Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Hope so. I've got no tissues left.
You will need them though.
Hope so. I've got no tissues left.
You will need them though.
Pun-ies
.. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
.. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
.. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
.. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
.. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
.. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
.. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
.. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
.. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
.. Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
.. I know a guy addicted to brake fluid, but he can stop anytime.
.. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.
.. This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but
I'd never met herbivore.
.. When chemists die, apparently they barium.
.. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
.. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
.. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
.. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
.. When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
.. Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
.. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
.. I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
.. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been
stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
.. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
.. Velcro - what a rip off!
Policeman informs family:
"There's no easy way to say this........."
It's difficult to say what my wife does....
She sells sea shells on the sea shore
(c) Milton Jones
She had several hundred young pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the election.
You can't always hear the bells.
The teacher asked Mr Miliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Miliband. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Miliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Miliband searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Miliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
The teacher asked Mr Miliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Miliband. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Miliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Miliband searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Miliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
Dear Don, that's I like a lot! It's logic!
The teacher asked Mr Miliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Miliband. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Miliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Miliband searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harman and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Miliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!
Dear Don, that's I like a lot! It's logic!
Dear Don, that's I like a lot! It's logic!
Hope it made you smile !
A) Because it took the piss out of the knickers.
When it comes to ''Friendly Fire'', the yanks are at 100%.
Dear Don, that's I like a lot! It's logic!
Hope it made you smile !
Oh yes! It can be even adapted in future to other people... I already think on that too.
and it has been
A man walks into a zoo.
the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
it's a Shitzhu.
Still made me laugh though ��
Unless it's already born with a heroin addiction.
Outside Brighton, the Green Party got 1.1 million votes for no return. How many trees has that wasted?
"Yes dear, of course I did, but I can't delete the internet."
Cut a hole in the ice, Place a few peas around the edge of the hole.
Hide behind an Igloo.
When the bear goes to take a pea.
Jump out from behind the igloo and kick him in the icehole.
Jeez Tony. That joke is at least 50 years old.
Did you resurrect it for the 50th anniversary?
I was sharing that one in the playground you cheeky sod!