Best Jokes (continues)

Bloke goes to the doctor complaining of an issue with his rectum. He reluctantly enters the doctors room and the doctor asks him what's wrong. The patient says it would be better just to have a look, so he drops his trousers..........the doctor stands back in amazement. The guy's arsehole is as wide as a football and battered and bruised. He asks the guy how it happened, he replied, " I was on safari hiding behind a bush watching some lions when a bull elephant came up behind me and raped me! " The doctor ponders for a minute and replies, " I thought elephants penises were long and thin?". Man says, " They are, but he fingered me first."


Tony

Apparently the rescuers in Chile have a new European consultant.

A press release today stated that Mr J. Fritzl is the world's foremost authority on keeping minors alive underground.

An England footballer has admitted to sleeping with his wife.

FA are keeping his name secret to avoid embarrassment.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

As the new man in his wing at Prison, George Michael has been forced to give the more established residents Hand Jobs before making the satisfied inmates a cup of Hot Chocolate, he's thinking of writing a song about the experience called 'Wank me off before you Cocoa'

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
As the new man in his wing at Prison, George Michael has been forced to give the more established residents Hand Jobs before making the satisfied inmates a cup of Hot Chocolate, he's thinking of writing a song about the experience called 'Wank me off before you Cocoa'

I heard George Michael is furious at the length of his sentence and asked his lawyer if he can get it increased.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a chap man leaps from behind a tree, opens his raincoat and gives them a flash!

One of the ladies has a stroke! Sadly, the other old lady can't reach...

Apparently voted the best joke at this year's fringe:
I've just been on the holiday of a lifetime.
I tell you what - never again.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised seven blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "Fuck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever.

David Dickinson's new show takes celebrities like Rooney,Terry & Crouch round streets at night looking for the cheapest hookers.

Bargain C**t starts Fri @ 7pm

A Nazi, a paedophile and a Holocaust denier walk into a pub. 
The barman says "What can I get you your Holiness?".

Tony

exit signs...there on the way out

*they're*

Or could be right the first time. "there on the way out" also makes sense (but possibly isn't as funny) now I think about. I'm just hypersensitive to the whole there/they're, your/you're thing.

quote:

Originally posted by winkyincanada:
*they're*

Or could be right the first time. "there on the way out" also makes sense (but possibly isn't as funny) now I think about. I'm just hypersensitive to the whole there/they're, your/you're thing.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????

Its not just you whose sensitive they're. Theirs plenty of us. Your not a loan.

or "they are". No contractions at all.

Two sailors scrubbing the decks:

Sailor 1: Where's the soap?
Sailor 2: Yep, sure does.

From the BBC Website

"French amputee swims the Channel"


Seems 'armless.

please tell me the French swimmer wasn't called Robert.....

Bald bloke stolen your iPhone?

There's a slapp for that!

Tony

quote:

*they're*

Or could be right the first time. "there on the way out" also makes sense (but possibly isn't as funny) now I think about. I'm just hypersensitive to the whole there/they're, your/you're thing.

That is true, Winky, and your post is actually quite funny due to its irony!!!

Jon

Jamie Oliver's new son has been christened Buddy Bear - he's in for a lifetime of bullying.

Because his dad is a wanker!

Tony

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Sounds like that could have happened in Ipswich Tony!

Tony

...or even up here! I know I'm in The Lakes 'cos it's pissing down.