Best Jokes (continues)

Q) What kind of exercise does Johnny Depp do?

A) Pilates of the Caribbean

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Q) What kind of exercise does Keira Knightly do?

A) Pilates of the Caribbean 2

for our German colleagues - a German joke.

Wie Sie nennen einen Türkischer Metzger?

Machmet.

Has anyone tried Stallone's Scones?
The best thing since Sly's Bread.

Why are there 2 'f's in Ffion?

Because there'n no effin marriage.

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."


This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.


It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.


However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

I sent a message to the Israeli leader, but this came back:

"Benjamin Not on Yahoo."

I threw my horny girlfriend onto the bed tonight and showed her who's the boss.
She wasn't in the mood once she'd seen my Alan Sugar shrine.

I spent some time at my wife's grave earlier. She's not dead - she thinks I'm digging a pond.

"Mexican drug lord shot dead"
Apparently a sniper got him through the head as he approached his car.

Hole in Juan.



Tony

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and tells her what he thinks: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are over 20 kilos overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"

Bloke goes to the doctor complaining of an issue with his rectum. He reluctantly enters the doctors room and the doctor asks him what's wrong. The patient says it would be better just to have a look, so he drops his trousers..........the doctor stands back in amazement. The guy's arsehole is as wide as a football and battered and bruised. He asks the guy how it happened, he replied, " I was on safari hiding behind a bush watching some lions when a bull elephant came up behind me and raped me! " The doctor ponders for a minute and replies, " I thought elephants penises were long and thin?". Man says, " They are, but he fingered me first."


Tony

Apparently the rescuers in Chile have a new European consultant.

A press release today stated that Mr J. Fritzl is the world's foremost authority on keeping minors alive underground.

An England footballer has admitted to sleeping with his wife.

FA are keeping his name secret to avoid embarrassment.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."

As the new man in his wing at Prison, George Michael has been forced to give the more established residents Hand Jobs before making the satisfied inmates a cup of Hot Chocolate, he's thinking of writing a song about the experience called 'Wank me off before you Cocoa'

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
As the new man in his wing at Prison, George Michael has been forced to give the more established residents Hand Jobs before making the satisfied inmates a cup of Hot Chocolate, he's thinking of writing a song about the experience called 'Wank me off before you Cocoa'

I heard George Michael is furious at the length of his sentence and asked his lawyer if he can get it increased.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a chap man leaps from behind a tree, opens his raincoat and gives them a flash!

One of the ladies has a stroke! Sadly, the other old lady can't reach...

Apparently voted the best joke at this year's fringe:
I've just been on the holiday of a lifetime.
I tell you what - never again.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotised seven blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "Fuck me".

What happened next will haunt me forever.

David Dickinson's new show takes celebrities like Rooney,Terry & Crouch round streets at night looking for the cheapest hookers.

Bargain C**t starts Fri @ 7pm

A Nazi, a paedophile and a Holocaust denier walk into a pub. 
The barman says "What can I get you your Holiness?".

Tony

exit signs...there on the way out

*they're*

Or could be right the first time. "there on the way out" also makes sense (but possibly isn't as funny) now I think about. I'm just hypersensitive to the whole there/they're, your/you're thing.

quote:

Originally posted by winkyincanada:
*they're*

Or could be right the first time. "there on the way out" also makes sense (but possibly isn't as funny) now I think about. I'm just hypersensitive to the whole there/they're, your/you're thing.

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Its not just you whose sensitive they're. Theirs plenty of us. Your not a loan.