Naim Audio Forum Archive

Posted on: 12 May 2015 by Tony Lockhart

The guy who invented Braille has died.

He will be remembered fondly.

Posted on: 12 May 2015 by MDS

Originally Posted by Steve J:

Jeez Tony. That joke is at least 50 years old.

Did you resurrect it for the 50th anniversary?

Blimey. I must have led a sheltered life. That's the first time I've heard it! So, Tony, you made me laugh at least.

Posted on: 13 May 2015 by Tony Lockhart

At a wedding, I turned to the lady next to me, and said "I give it six months."

"That's very insensitive," she spat. "Why do you think that?"

I replied "I'm her doctor."

Posted on: 15 May 2015 by Christopher_M

David Cameron thinks Van Morrison is Ocado for poor people.

(With thanks to Jeremy Hardy on The News Quiz)

Chris

Posted on: 15 May 2015 by Tony Lockhart

My girlfriend accused me of lying to get into her knickers.

She's wrong. I genuinely did run out of underpants.

Posted on: 16 May 2015 by roger poll

European Directive 456179.

In order to bring further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ' Spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of May 2015. The correct term will be Euronating. It is hoped this will be a great relief to everyone.

If you have any queries just give me a tinkle.

Posted on: 16 May 2015 by Steve J

Roger,

Are you taking the pee?

Posted on: 17 May 2015 by Tony Lockhart

I tried to commit suicide yesterday.

But apparently watching back-to-back episodes of Miranda doesn't quite do it.

Posted on: 17 May 2015 by GraemeH

Originally Posted by Steve J:

Roger,

Are you taking the pee?

We should be told.

G(roan)

Posted on: 17 May 2015 by Big Bill

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

I tried to commit suicide yesterday.

But apparently watching back-to-back episodes of Miranda doesn't quite do it.

...and I thought it was only me and the missus that hated Mirada! According to everyone on the tele it was the most brilliant tele ever - as bad as Friends IMHO.

Posted on: 18 May 2015 by roger poll

Originally Posted by GraemeH:

Originally Posted by Steve J:

Roger,

Are you taking the pee?

We should be told.

G(roan)

Yes, it's a lie.

Posted on: 20 May 2015 by JSH

I won't bother if that's the best you can do

Originally Posted by roger poll:

European Directive 456179.

In order to bring further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ' Spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of May 2015. The correct term will be Euronating. It is hoped this will be a great relief to everyone.

If you have any queries just give me a tinkle.

Posted on: 20 May 2015 by Tony Lockhart

BBC News - Centuries-old stained glass cleaned at last.

Wetherspoons must have finally bought a dish-washer!

Posted on: 21 May 2015 by tonym

The wife says she wants a divorce and is going to take me to the cleaners. Pretty sporting of her really, since it was me getting caught shagging our cleaner that got me here in the first place.

Posted on: 21 May 2015 by roger poll

Originally Posted by JSH:

I won't bother if that's the best you can do

Originally Posted by roger poll:

European Directive 456179.

In order to bring further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase ' Spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of May 2015. The correct term will be Euronating. It is hoped this will be a great relief to everyone.

If you have any queries just give me a tinkle.

A bit harsh, but OK.

Posted on: 21 May 2015 by JamieWednesday

I'm never trusting an atom again.

They make up everything.

Posted on: 21 May 2015 by JSH

LOL

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

BBC News - Centuries-old stained glass cleaned at last.

Wetherspoons must have finally bought a dish-washer!

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by Dustysox

Dusty ducks for cover!!!

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by MDS

Originally Posted by Dustysox:

Dusty ducks for cover!!!

Particularly like the accessories around the TT

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by tonym

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his
pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He
pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills
the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh good that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by jjbomber

Mathematician John Nash and wife killed in taxi crash.

Sums it up nicely. Nothing to add.

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by MDS

Originally Posted by jjbomber:

Mathematician John Nash and wife killed in taxi crash.

Sums it up nicely. Nothing to add.

Took me a while to work that one out. Easy as 1-2-3, really.

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by naim_nymph

Originally Posted by MDS:

Originally Posted by jjbomber:

Mathematician John Nash and wife killed in taxi crash.

Sums it up nicely. Nothing to add.

Took me a while to work that one out. Easy as 1-2-3, really.

This news report subtracts from the moral equation, and that will divide opinion.

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by MDS

Originally Posted by naim_nymph:

Originally Posted by MDS:

Originally Posted by jjbomber:

Mathematician John Nash and wife killed in taxi crash.

Sums it up nicely. Nothing to add.

Took me a while to work that one out. Easy as 1-2-3, really.

This news report subtracts from the moral equation, and that will divide opinion.

Posted on: 24 May 2015 by jjbomber

Originally Posted by naim_nymph:

Originally Posted by MDS:

Originally Posted by jjbomber:

Mathematician John Nash and wife killed in taxi crash.

Sums it up nicely. Nothing to add.

Took me a while to work that one out. Easy as 1-2-3, really.

This news report subtracts from the moral equation, and that will divide opinion.

It should have been Times square, going for a take-away.

Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007