Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 10 July 2015 by jjbomber

The EU today unveiled their new 1000 Euro note. It's printed on Greece-proof paper.

Posted on: 10 July 2015 by Marcopolovitch

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

Posted on: 10 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Scientists say that there's a connection between smoking and schizophrenia.

Benson and Hedges is just one bloke.
Posted on: 11 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
"Will you please stop rushing me, I'm upset enough collecting my mother's urn from the undertakers."

"I'm sorry love, but you have just reminded me that the cricket is on."
Posted on: 11 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now regretting his decision to wear flip flops today.
Posted on: 11 July 2015 by MikeT.
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.  Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. 
 
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. 
 
And it works. 
 
I already have 4 persons following me:  Two police officers, a psychiatrist and a Cub Scout named Chester.
Posted on: 12 July 2015 by JSH
LOL Love it
 
JSH
 
Originally Posted by MikeT.:
Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night.  Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. 
 
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. 
 
And it works. 
 
I already have 4 persons following me:  Two police officers, a psychiatrist and a Cub Scout named Chester.

 

Posted on: 12 July 2015 by Richard S

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet though.

Posted on: 14 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
The inventor of dog treats died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was!
Posted on: 14 July 2015 by BigH47

Potted news today:-  No FoxHunting on Pluto.

Posted on: 17 July 2015 by jjbomber

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

Posted on: 18 July 2015 by Chris Dolan

I've just been told that there are 10,000 Liverpool fans in Australia for their tour – I thought Transportation had been abolished years ago

Posted on: 18 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he asked "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said "Because we're still in Liverpool."
Posted on: 19 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
All this nonsense about BMW drivers not using indicators is totally uncalled for.

Why only today I saw one with all four flashing at once while he was parked on a pavement blocking a wheelchair ramp while he made a phone call and ate his lunch.
Posted on: 19 July 2015 by BigH47

Hands up everyone who knows another body that is allowed to appoint, budget and approve body that gives out their pay rises?

 

 

Nope me either.

Posted on: 19 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Neither?

Posted on: 19 July 2015 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by BigH47:

Hands up everyone who knows another body that is allowed to appoint, budget and approve body that gives out their pay rises?

Happens all the time. I see a body, approve it, try to budget and she puts the price up.

Posted on: 20 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I was really enjoying my holiday in France this year, sampling some great culture and wonderful food and drink.
It was okay until I ordered a beer in a roadside bar, had a swig and gagged.
I said to the barman, "What the hell is this?"
He replied, "Fosters."
I took it outside and threw it into the road.
I'd just like to say sorry to the bloke on the bike with the yellow shirt I accidentally soaked.
Posted on: 21 July 2015 by joerand

Not a fan of golf whatsoever, I happened upon some of the recent action at St. Andrews on TV and couldn't help but think it'd be a wonderful sporting event if only they played it in summer.

Posted on: 24 July 2015 by elkman70

My mate asked me if I'd ever stop singing wonderwall.

I said maybeeeeeeee...

Posted on: 25 July 2015 by elkman70

Job interview.

 

- What do you think is your greatest weakness?

 

- Honesty

 

- I don't think honesty is a weakness.

 

- I don't give a shit what you think.

Posted on: 26 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I'm what's known as "A bit of a ladies man"

But it's not my fault some pub toilet signs aren't very clear.
Posted on: 26 July 2015 by elkman70

After the discovery of Matter and Dark Matter, we have now discovered doesn't matter which appears to have no effect on the universe at all.

Posted on: 26 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I've been given one of those tablets that helps you get an erection.

You go on the internet and watch porn films on it.
Posted on: 28 July 2015 by Tony Lockhart