Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 08 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I wake up every morning bright as a button and looking forward to the day ahead.
Which messed up my dreams of being a blues singer.
Posted on: 08 August 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
I wake up every morning bright as a button and looking forward to the day ahead.
Which messed up my dreams of being a blues singer.
...or a country singer.
Posted on: 08 August 2015 by Klout10
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
Not really a joke but I could not stop laughing. Sad really!
I wonder where this picture has been taken...
many regards,
Michel
Posted on: 08 August 2015 by ewemon
The phone goes in the Aussie dressing room
"Can I speak to Michael Clarke pls ?"
"He's just gone out to bat"
"Ok, I'll hold"
Posted on: 08 August 2015 by joerand
Originally Posted by Klout10:
Originally Posted by Tony2011:
Not really a joke but I could not stop laughing. Sad really!
I wonder where this picture has been taken...
many regards,
Michel
Utah Valley University located in Orem, Utah.
UVU's creative director Matt Bambrough said in a blog post. "The design was meant for people to laugh at rather than a real attempt to direct traffic flow".
Probably an appropriate inclusion in the Best Jokes thread, yet begs the question: how many universities employ a 'creative director' and what is his job description, let alone salary?
Posted on: 09 August 2015 by MDS
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Posted on: 09 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
A gorgeous woman came on to me in the pub.
"Hold it," I said, "I'm married."
"Put it back in your trousers," she replied.
Posted on: 13 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
This year we holidayed on the Cote D'Azur. Which was Nice...
Posted on: 13 August 2015 by Stevee_S
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
This year we holidayed on the Cote D'Azur. Which was Nice...
I like it and the joke's not too bad.
Posted on: 13 August 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
This year we holidayed on the Cote D'Azur. Which was Nice...
Stop it! 
Posted on: 13 August 2015 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
This year we holidayed on the Cote D'Azur. Which was Nice...
Really! that takes the biscuit.....
Posted on: 14 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
My gay friend is annoyed that I swapped his haemorrhoid cream with lemon juice.
Talk about sour grapes.
Posted on: 16 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
If you hold a mackerel to your ear, you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put it down.
Posted on: 16 August 2015 by Stevee_S
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
If you hold a mackerel to your ear, you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put it down.
Blimey that's amazing our nearest Morrisons is over twenty miles away!
Posted on: 17 August 2015 by tonym
I went to the doctor and said, "I'm having trouble 'satisfying' my wife."
He said, "You should try what I do."
I said, "What's that?"
He said, "Earn £100k a year."
Posted on: 17 August 2015 by Richard S
Posted on: 17 August 2015 by Paper Plane
Originally Posted by Richard S:
Brilliant!
steve
Posted on: 18 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I said to my wife "I'll make the tea."
She said, "Blinking flip, that's a first."
Four hours later I shouted from the kitchen "Tea's ready."
She walked in mumbling "About bloody time, I'm starving."
I said "Do you want milk and sugar in yours?"
Posted on: 20 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
My wife asked me to get that spray that will make the curtains smell nicer.
I bought her some femfresh.
Posted on: 20 August 2015 by ewemon
Be careful what you buy online.
My friend just bought a Penis enlarger for £95 on eBay and he got sent a Magnifying glass with a set of instructions that said don't use it in the sun.
Posted on: 20 August 2015 by joerand
A "friend" ???
Sure ewe, if you say so 
Posted on: 20 August 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I hate people who think they're worse off than everyone else. For example, my mate Dave lost both legs and his voicebox in an accident, but does he make a song and dance about it? Does he heck.
Posted on: 20 August 2015 by ewemon
Is it just me being thick but what the feck does WTF mean in a text?
Posted on: 20 August 2015 by ewemon
Tell you what I have just been on a once in a lifetime holiday, never again.
Posted on: 21 August 2015 by joerand
Surprisingly, shows no sign of ever having been rear-ended.
