Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Tell you what I have just been on a once in a lifetime holiday, never again.
For the last 3 months, I've been on a Round The World trip. Next year I'm going somewhere different.
They were invited to play in Hartlepool, but declined for obvious reasons.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer gasping for air. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a mud puddle.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Wife comes home from the Doctors and tells her husband that she is pregnant and expecting triplets.
He replies "Must have been that night when you were so dry that I had to use 3 in 1 down there"
She replies "Lucky we didn't use WD40".
Did you hear the one about the Hari Krishna Monk who had his teeth extracted without any anesthetic because he wanted to Transcend Dental Medication
Did you hear the one about the Hari Krishna Monk who had his teeth extracted without any anesthetic because he wanted to Transcend Dental Medication
Fantastic; take a bow, sir!
Did you hear the one about the Hari Krishna Monk who had his teeth extracted without any anesthetic because he wanted to Transcend Dental Medication
Fantastic; take a bow, sir!
+1
A travellers car breaks down in the countryside as it is turning dark. Fortunately there was a nearby monastery and the hospitable monks fed him some delicious home made fish and chips, it being a Friday.
The traveller went into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He. Asked the nearest monk, "are you the fish fryer"?
The monk replied " No sir, I am the chip monk".
I feel a 'Joke chain challenge' thread coming on...!
G
Nah, they're just monkying around
She's still bitter about getting rated 'Adequate' in her mid-year appraisal.
Fashion Tip for Today:
If your shirt is too loud, you may need to turn up your trousers.
Fashion Tip for Today:
If your shirt is too loud, you may need to turn up your trousers.
Smirked at that!
G
Election and Erection are almost spelt exactly the same way but they mean the same thing a dick rising to power.
Hey Grandma did you see the pills in the kitchen they are small and marked LSD? **** the pills. Did you see the Green Dragon in the kitchen?
Why are computers like air conditioners?
They work fine until you start opening Windows.
A young priest joins a silent order of monks. In his orientation the Abbot says that he may only speak once every 10 years and only to the the Abbot.
After 10 years of silent contemplation the young monk meets the Abbot in his office. He says to the Abbot " I am cold". The Abbot tells him that he will ensure he will get extra blankets on his bed.
Another 10 years goes by and at his next meeting with the Abbot, the now middle aged monk states " I am hungry". The Abbot ensures the monk will extra food served by the chip monk in the canteen.
10 more years pass and the now (Naim Forum average aged) monk tells the Abbott "I am leaving".
The Abbot says "That just as well, you've done nothing but complain the whole time you've been here"!
What do short sighted gingerbread men wear?
Contact raisins.
Scottish joke.
If there 10 cows in a field which one is closest to Saudi.
Coo Eight.
Another Scottish joke.
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney.
Bing sings
ahd
Walt Disney (say it with a Scottish accent)
Another Scottish joke.
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney.
Bing sings
ahd
Walt Disney (say it with a Scottish accent)
Man goes to Doc for annual exam. On completion Doc tells Man he's got some good news and some bad news. Good news first says Man. Good news says Doc is that your pecker has grown three inches since your last exam. Indeed says Man, related things have been so much better with my wife lately I hardly care about the bad news. Don't get too excited says Doc. Bad news is your pecker's malignant and must be removed.
IRISH GHOST STORY
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
"Look Paddy...there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"