Best Jokes (continues)

or "they are". No contractions at all.

Two sailors scrubbing the decks:

Sailor 1: Where's the soap?
Sailor 2: Yep, sure does.

From the BBC Website

"French amputee swims the Channel"


Seems 'armless.

please tell me the French swimmer wasn't called Robert.....

Bald bloke stolen your iPhone?

There's a slapp for that!

Tony

quote:

*they're*

Or could be right the first time. "there on the way out" also makes sense (but possibly isn't as funny) now I think about. I'm just hypersensitive to the whole there/they're, your/you're thing.

That is true, Winky, and your post is actually quite funny due to its irony!!!

Jon

Jamie Oliver's new son has been christened Buddy Bear - he's in for a lifetime of bullying.

Because his dad is a wanker!

Tony

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Sounds like that could have happened in Ipswich Tony!

Tony

...or even up here! I know I'm in The Lakes 'cos it's pissing down.

Well, we are only going there this weekend to chill for a few days. I'll try and keep out of your way, as drugs make me angry, and you won't like me when I'm angry!

Tony

I rarely use the London Underground. There are signs on the escalators that say "Dogs Must be Carried" and I haven't got a dog.

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
...or even up here! I know I'm in The Lakes 'cos it's pissing down.

Well, you know what they say about the Lake District :
"If you can't see the hills it's raining. If you can see the hills, it's GOING to rain."

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush..."

Cheers
Flettster

A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

I wanted to bring my family up to date a bit so I bought my two younger kids and iPod each and my eldest an iPad. I got myself an iPhone4.

Not wishing to leave the wife out I got her an iRon.

The ungrateful cow hasn't spoken to me since.

If I had a pound for every time somebody said I were retarded I'd have 47p.

Tony

Sorry!

Tony

Five out of every three people are hopeless at doing fractions.

A model village caught fire and the flames could be seen from three yards away.

The average human body contains enough bones to make up an entire human skeleton.

Tony

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot 3 times in the stomach. The doctors said it was too risky to operate and chose to leave the bullets in. 16 yrs later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mum. She asked what was wrong. " I was peeing and a bullet came out." so her mum told her what had happened 16 yrs earlier. The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet so her mum told her the story about the bank robbery. The day after, the boy triplet went crying to his mum. "Let me guess" she said, "you were peeing and a bullet came out? " the boy said " No, I was having a wank and I shot the dog!"

Tony

A contact lens coloured in with a black marker makes a great skull cap for a jewish hamster.

Tony

I went to cinema last night and in the row in front of me was a bloke with a dog sat in the seat next to him.... well I do live in Coventry but this was a *little* beyond the pale. However, what was most strange was the dog's behaviour: when the villain came on screen he growled, when the sad part of the film came up he whimpered, whenever a joke was made he yelped with joy and at the end of the film he barked at the happy ending.
I leant over and said to the guy:
"I'm really amazed at your dog's behaviour"
"Quite frankly so am I" replied the dog owner
"He hated the book"

Ireland's worst air disaster happened this morning when a 2-seater Cessna crashed onto a cemetery outside Dublin.
Police have recovered 438 bodies so far.

Just had my water bill, £175. Bloody Oxfam can supply a whole village for just £2 month, time to change supplier i think!!