Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
It's midnight, and a man and a woman are having sex in a clearing in the middle of a dark forest.
After 10 minutes the man says: "Dammit, I wish I had a torch!".
"So do I," replies the woman. "You've been eating grass for the past five minutes."
What's the height of ingratitude? Giving your dad a bag filled with your own semen and telling him you owe him nothing!
Picture the scene. A chap chatting to the Landlord of a pub when in walks a horse. The horse trots up to the bar and says "Pint of bitter please". Unflustered, the Landlord pulls a pint and the horse takes a sip and proceeds to trot over to a table. The Chap at the bar looking on I'm amazement exclaims "That's unusual". The Landlord replies "I know, he normally drinks lager".
There's also a single, disposable disc wipe for sale for £99,999.00.
Even funnier, someone will probably buy it..
I wonder if it's made by those people who sold bomb detector equipment which didn't?
What's the difference between heaven and hell?
In heaven the English are the administrators, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers and the Germans are the engineers.
In hell the English are the chefs, the French are the administrators, the Italians are the engineers and the Germans are the lovers.
Was so embarrassed the other day, walked into my son's room and there he was on the bed with a magazine, exacerbating.
More or less only just got up.
It's nearly time for the Woman's Hour cereal.
100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain
should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the
Giro.
An Irishman has stormed into a Benefits office in Rochdale complaining
he had been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. 'Why don't you answer
the feckin phone' he exclaimed to one of the staff members, who
replied, 'those are our opening times'
Oxfam claim that just £3 will buy water and food for a family in
Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons in
Wythenshaw are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Southport
Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same
calibre."
A recent survey has posed the question 'Are there too many immigrants
in Britain?' 17% of respondents said yes; 11% said No and 72% said "I
am not understanding the question please."
Prince Harry has announced that he doesn't want the usual fruit cake
at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's going
anyway.
The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
... although they do make me look a bit gay.
I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while
sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy:
"Man you look tired."
His buddy says:
Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day.
She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when
I come home she's tearing my shirt of as I come through the door.
She's got her hands down my pants after dinner.
She even joins me in the shower almost every night.
I just don't know what to do.
A fellow in his 70s sitting a couple of stools down,
also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit!."
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ...."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG"
And old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts...so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts...
Driver: Why don't you eat them yourself?
Old Lady: I can't chew. Look, I have no teeth!
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old Lady: Oh, I just love the chocolate on them.
The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
... although they do make me look a bit gay.
I think you are confusing being gay with being a cross dresser.
Donuk
They should have put in the job spec that employees must be willing to take it from behind.
Words of wisdom for a happy life.
The world is a big place and if you mix and match your domestic ingredients it can be great. I was once advised that heaven would be living in a large English house with a garden, married to a beautiful Japanese wife who cooks you delicious Chinese food.
But if you screw it up you could end up in hell living in a tiny Japanese flat, married to a nagging Chinese wife who can only cook English food.
Guy walks into a brothel and asks for a good time
Guy: "What nice ladies do you have this evening?"
Clerk: "Sorry all the ladies are busy tonight or off work. All we have is a duck."
Guy: "A duck?"
Clerk: "It's a very nice duck and we're very discrete."
Sure, why not, thinks the guy - bit kinky but what they hey. He takes the duck into one of the rooms and gets it on with duck. Finds that a) he likes it and b) watching himself with the duck in the mirror is a turn on.
Comes back the next night.
Guy: "Thanks for the tip. The duck was kinky fun. Any ladies available tonight?"
Clerk: "Nope sorry. But we can do the duck again."
Guy: "Sure, great."
As before the guy gets down and does the nasty with the duck doing his Patrick Bateman style posing in the mirror. He has an even better time than before now he's used to it.
Comes back the third night.
Guy: You know what, I actually like the duck. I'd like that again."
Clerk: Sorry, no duck tonight I'm afraid. But we do have a peep show."
Guy: "That's too bad. Okay I'll see the peep show."
He goes into the viewing room and finds a free seat and sits down next to another customer. Waiting for the show to start he asks the other guy next to him.
Guy: "So are the peep shows any good?"
Other guy: "I'll say. You should have been here the last couple of nights. There was some sicko shagging a duck."
A recent survey has posed the question 'Are there too many immigrants
in Britain?' 17% of respondents said yes; 11% said No and 72% said "I
am not understanding the question please."
I didn't know that britts had a poor understanding of their mother language!
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some
rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist
who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed,the blonde snatches the container back and reads out aloud from the container
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Aerosol? (some cod Scandavian accent required)