Best Jokes (continues)

A plane crashes on a desert island.

There are only a few survivors: three Spanish people, three French people and an Englishman.

Six months later: one of the Spanish men has killed the other and is now living with the Spanish woman,  and the three French people have decide to become a threesome.

The Englishman is still waiting to be introduced to the others.

The pope's recent visit to the US stirred up a lot of petitions for miracles. California's drought has gotten so bad that folks in the Napa Valley were requesting he turn wine into water.

That's better!

Highlighting the importance of a great sound engineer...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2Rhh_4GZmU

So Tony another Daily Mail fact file?

Tories commit to human rights act after redefining "human" as someone earning over £50k.

This is me at my local Naim dealer...

Is this legal in the UK?

http://9gag.com/gag/aoj85EX

Gun control: using both hands.

.........and........

FACT...............95% of the people who died last year in the UK had eaten TOMATOES !

Other 5% had pork.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss". The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass". The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know", he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios"

Well, as you know, The Mail are always totally accurate in their reporting Howard. Here's a typical headline :-

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."  He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Bought my wife jewelry for her birthday!

Tony,

Seems only fitting you should lay her to final rest at the Morning Wood cemetery