Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 02 October 2015 by JSH
But where's the"house prices to fall" headline?  I must have missed it!!
 
 
Originally Posted by tonym:
Originally Posted by BigH47:

So Tony another Daily Mail fact file?

Well, as you know, The Mail are always totally accurate in their reporting Howard. Here's a typical headline :-

 

 

 

Posted on: 02 October 2015 by Sneaky SNAIC

Here it would be "interest rates to stay the same" or "stock market has biggest day since 2008"

Posted on: 02 October 2015 by jjbomber
Originally Posted by BigH47:

So Tony another Daily Mail fact file?

The Daily Mail, like all newspapers, only ever has two true stories in it - the price and the date. Everything else is made up.

Posted on: 03 October 2015 by ChrisSU
An Irishman walks into a shop and says "I'd like to buy a potato clock."
"What on earth do you want one of those for?" Replies the shop assistant.
"Well," says the Irishman, "I've just had a job interview, and the fella said to me, 'Congratulations, you've got the job. You start work at nine o'clock, so you'll need to get up at eight o'clock.' "
Posted on: 03 October 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Sneaky SNAIC:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his.

 

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."  He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”


“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

That's an old Mike Reed joke but here the woman said that the Jew and the Cowboy were the best lovers and his name was of course "Hopalong Cohen".

Posted on: 03 October 2015 by Tony Lockhart
HUSBAND:  Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?
WIFE:  Of course I would sweetheart.
HUSBAND:  If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?
WIFE:  Absolutely honey.
HUSBAND:  If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?
WIFE:  You don't need to ask.  Why all the questions?
HUSBAND:  I just sprained my wrist.....
Posted on: 04 October 2015 by JSH
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
HUSBAND:  Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?
WIFE:  Of course I would sweetheart.
HUSBAND:  If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?
WIFE:  Absolutely honey.
HUSBAND:  If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?
WIFE:  You don't need to ask.  Why all the questions?
HUSBAND:  I just sprained my wrist.....

 

Posted on: 04 October 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I turned to my colleague and asked, "Can you smell burning?"

23 years we've worked together at the crematorium, and that joke never gets old.
Posted on: 04 October 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Just seen an advert in the local paper.

"For Sale: Lego skyscraper, 25 pieces missing. £100 o.n.o."

You couldn't make it up.
Posted on: 04 October 2015 by Kevin-W
Originally Posted by rodwsmith:

 

 

Oh my - that is so good I will have to steal it.

 

 

Posted on: 04 October 2015 by MangoMonkey
The joke below is probably lost in translation. Can someone fix it for me?

Teacher: our ancestors were monkeys.
Tommy: yours maybe. Not mine.
Posted on: 05 October 2015 by MangoMonkey

Timekeeper: 'Why are you late'

Worker: 'I went for a haircut'

Timekeeper: "What, during working hours?"

Worker: 'It grew during working hours'

Timekeeper: 'It didn't all grow during working hours'

Worker: 'That is why I didn't get it all cut off'

Posted on: 05 October 2015 by joerand

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a muffin while her dad gets a haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says: "Your gonna get hair on your muffin!"

"I know" she says "im gonna get tits one day too you dirty old bastard!"

Posted on: 06 October 2015 by tonym

Posted on: 06 October 2015 by JamieWednesday
I used to work in Debenhams. One time this couple came in and said 'We're going to come back to buy some Christmas presents soon, when are your opening hours?"
I said "l'm not opening yours, I'm opening mine"

A girl used to work with me there, she was a typist with one arm. None of her letters had capital letters in and when I pointed this out she told me it was because that would be shift work.

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics. Knew I wasn't going to win but I did get bronze.

Went to the doctor because I'm frightened of lapels. He said "You've got cholera"

Had a dream last night. This voice said "On your marks get set..." and I woke up with a start.
Posted on: 06 October 2015 by JSH
Ouch!!
 
 
Originally Posted by JamieWednesday:
I used to work in Debenhams. One time this couple came in and said 'We're going to come back to buy some Christmas presents soon, when are your opening hours?"
I said "l'm not opening yours, I'm opening mine"

A girl used to work with me there, she was a typist with one arm. None of her letters had capital letters in and when I pointed this out she told me it was because that would be shift work.

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics. Knew I wasn't going to win but I did get bronze.

Went to the doctor because I'm frightened of lapels. He said "You've got cholera"

Had a dream last night. This voice said "On your marks get set..." and I woke up with a start.

 

Posted on: 07 October 2015 by Gavin B

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Posted on: 07 October 2015 by Boilerman

A penguin goes in to a pub and buys a pint. He says to the barman "has my brother been in today?".

The barman replies "what does he look like"

Posted on: 07 October 2015 by JSH
The old ones are the best ones
 
Originally Posted by Boilerman:

A penguin goes in to a pub and buys a pint. He says to the barman "has my brother been in today?".

The barman replies "what does he look like"

 

Posted on: 07 October 2015 by Boilerman

A nun goes to a silent order.

 

A year goes past when Mother Superior calls her to the office and says 'You've been here a year, you can say two words'.  The nun says 'Hard beds'.

'Ok' Mother Superior replies, 'back to work'

 

Another year goes past, Mother Sperior calls her to the office and says 'you've been here two years now, you can say another two words'.  The nun says 'Bad food'.

 

'Ok' Mother Superior replies, 'Back to work'

 

Another three years of silence goes by, Mother Superior calls her in to the office and says 'you've now been here for five years, you may say five words, that's one for each year'.

 

The nun say's 'I want to go home'.

 

Mother Superior replies, 'I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but ****ing complain since you've been here'.

Posted on: 07 October 2015 by Nooner
Originally Posted by MangoMonkey: love that one
JR from Swiss

Timekeeper: 'Why are you late'

Worker: 'I went for a haircut'

Timekeeper: "What, during working hours?"

Worker: 'It grew during working hours'

Timekeeper: 'It didn't all grow during working hours'

Worker: 'That is why I didn't get it all cut off'

 

Posted on: 07 October 2015 by Boilerman

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your trousers.

 

 

Your mum!

Posted on: 07 October 2015 by Tony Lockhart
Watching countdown i think i would rather have Susie over Rachel.
Better having someone who will give a poetic description rather than the mathematical reality.
Posted on: 08 October 2015 by Tony Lockhart
I've only got three records: two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson.

So two out of three ain't Bad.
Posted on: 08 October 2015 by Big Bill
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Watching countdown i think i would rather have Susie over Rachel.
Better having someone who will give a poetic description rather than the mathematical reality.

In an ideal World of course, you could have Susie over Rachel and join in too!  But I know what you mean I fancy Susie more than Rachel.