Best Jokes (continues)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England'
past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it.
Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in
This stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
In history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness,
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of Your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2m bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4m bank
account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2m each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.

What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You can shag her again."

Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?

A. A feminist who won't do as she's told.

A documentary maker went into the BBC sound effects library and asked the librarian for a recording of Wasps, as he making a radio programme on them.

The librarians fetched the disc and put it on the gramophone. The documentary maker listened and said that it was no good as the sound was of bees. The librarian apologiesed and said he must have put the "bee" side on by mistake...

Good night from Fredrik

Fella goes up to a well endowed lady and says

"You're beautiful, your boobs are sooo beautiful. I want to bite them!! I'll give you £50 to bite them!"

"Ugghh" she says, "...get away from me you pervert!"

"NO, you don't understand, I'm rich, I'll give you £500 to bite them!"

"Err, no I don't think so, please leave me alone..."

"OK, I'll give you £5000, just to bite one boob"

"Weeellll, I'm still not sure..."

"£50,000!!! Just a nibble on one boob"

"OK" she agrees "You can bite one boob for £50,000". So she undoes her blouse, opens her bra and presents herself to this man. He starts by caressing her, kissing her boob, licking her even.

"Ere" she says "ain't you going to bite it?

"Nah...", he replies "too expensive."

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks.

"She has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

Two golf buddies were ready to tee off on their first hole when another guy yells " Wait - mind if I play with you guys? My partner did not show up." They say no problem. A few holes and some small talk later , they ask him what he does for a living. He says " I'm a hitman."

They are surprised to hear this and he pulls a rifle and a scope out of his golf bag to show them.

The one guy takes it and says " This is a nice gun and scope. I live right near here,I might be able to see my house from here." Sure enough he looks through it and sees his house and says, " There's my bedroom , and there's my wife - she's naked...and there's my neighbor - he's naked too! "

He turns to the hitman and asks him how much he gets for a hit. " I get $1,000 every time I pull the trigger." The guy says "then shoot both of them."

The hitman askes him where he wants his wife shot and the guy says " Shoot her in the mouth- she always was a loudmouth...and shoot him in the private parts..."

The hitman takes aim and waits and waits ...finally the guy says " What's taking so long? Shoot them already."

The Hitman says , " Hold on,just a little longer and I might be able to save you a grand here..."

Why can't drummers tell jokes timing?

Two atoms step out of the house.

"Wait" says one "I've left my electrons behind"

"Are you sure?" says the other

"Yes, I'm positive"

What could you call an Austin Allegro, which is just still running?

A diminuendo al fine.

ATB from Fredrik

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

A man walks into a pharmacist with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are
these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-fatly replies, "Those are called condoms,
son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy.

"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a
12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Newly invented today:

What ocean going vessel would be most suitable for a group of fraudsters to cruise in?

A submarine, as they could all stay in the conning tower...

Sorry about that from Fredrik

Charlotte , North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is said to be a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal
Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA

An old orchestral double bass player was sitting at the back of the section crying at the end of a rehearsal. The Leader [of the violins] went over and asked him what's wrong, and could he help.

That bass player replied that one of the trombone player had detuned one of his strings and would'nt tell him which one. The leader understood the quanery, and sympathised.

ATB from Fredrik

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging that he knew everyone. "Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them" che said...

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Ok Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure yeah, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise answers... "Bubba! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," says his Boss. "Yep" Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. The new Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."

So, off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says "this'll never work, I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people, tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him "what happened"? His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

How well does this picture convey the concept of frustration?

A ventriloquist was driving through Wales when his car broke down. He walked a while and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer began to lead him back to the house.

Along the way, they passed a horse. The ventriloquist said to the farmer, "Is this your horse?" The farmer replied, "Yep." The ventriloquist asked, "Can he talk?" The farmer said, "Nope." The ventriloquist then said to the horse, "So, how do you like it here?" He then threw his voice, and said in a horse-like voice, "Oh, it's pretty good. Every morning the farmer feeds me oats." Upon hearing this the farmer was startled and quickened his pace.

Soon they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, "Is this your cow?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Does it talk?" and the farmer replied, "I..I don't think so." The ventriloquist asked the cow, "How do you like it here?" and threw his voice again. In a cow-like voice, he said, "Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning the farmer comes and milks me." Upon hearing this, the farmer squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.

Soon they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, "Are these your sheep?" and the farmer replied, "Yep." He then asked, "Do they talk?" and the farmer exclaimed, "Yes, but they lie!"

A Microsoft tech-support guy gets drafted into the Army and sent to basic training. On the rifle range, he takes a few shots and misses the target every time. "You maggot," shouts the drill instructor, kicking him in the ribs. "You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn." The Microsoft tech-support guy puts his finger over the muzzle of the rifle, pulls the trigger with his other hand, and blam! He blows the end off his finger. "Well, it's leaving here OK," he says, pointing downrange with the bloody stump. "The problem must be on their end."

Here is one to inflict on your work mates - just wonder into an office and say: 'He's leaving Friday'

'Who is?'

'Robinson Crusoe'

Then make good your escape.

Doc, It Hurts All Over
A woman explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

What animal goes, "... 'oooooh, 'ooooh!...?"

A cow with no lips.

Another in almost similar vein...

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino? Do you?

ATB from George

Bubba the Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like he body dressed. He points out that
the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care
what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check. 'Dere's no charge,' he says.

'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing." "You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his
grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So, I just switched the heads'

This happened to me today whilst walking along my local high street to get a coffee. A 'Big Issue' salesman held out a tiny little shoe to me and said 'little shoe' then held out the newspaper and said 'big issue'. I chuckled and bought a copy.