Best Jokes (continues)

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steve

I've just seen on Amazon that Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics.

If it's a success perhaps he'll write one about Kent too.

Our overseas cousins may not appreciate that joke H but it's very good.

Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

The photo of the Massey [Ferguson tractor] is left to right wrong! We had several Masseys. the MF 35 [two of the earlier four cylinder version], 65, 148, 165, and 188. My Uncle Den also had a 175 and 178 ...

 

Sorry to be a farming nerd!

 

ATB from George

Are you sure that's not a Yessam 2a1?  And surely the license plate is intended to be seen from a car's rear-view mirror!?  

Boy oh boy is that joke good or not?  Brilliant!

Sadly, only too real. Our local Asda in Leigh Park needed the police to control the hordes of bargain hunters last year. The whole thing is ridiculous. 

An old man with a young wife got a gift certificate from her to pay for a visit to an alternative medicine woman rumoured to have a cure for erectile dysfunction.

The medic gave him a potion to him, but warned, "This is a powerful medicine. Only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been and you can perform as long as you want."

"But how do I stop it from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" she medicine responded, "but when she does, the medicine will never work again unless you come and see me again"
The man went home showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Yep. That's a good one. 

M

A man has died after a his angry wife stabbed him with a vegetable.

Hell hath no fury like a woman's corn.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.

Terrorists are now planting bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti.......If one of them explodes it could spell disaster.

I got sacked from my job at a restaurant today after a fellow employee had a bad accident with a food mixer.

Apparently it was my job to do a whisk assessment.

Embarrassed to admit it but these last 6 or 7 have got me smiling. You guys have minds that work in very mysterious ways. 

Cheers

I saw my mate Charlie this morning........ he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "What are you doing Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I couldn't stop laughing, and said, "That's going to be a bit awkward isn't?"

"Not really," he said. "I still have the receipt."

Tony, BigH47, Richard S, JSH, jjbomber, I applaud you all.

I am a Landlord of a pub and I am ashamed to say I have been living off your jokes for the last few days and claiming them as my very own.

Quite literally you have turned me into a comic genius. Thank you so much.

I for one will claim that many of mine are recycled too.

...and why not Nige?

I was in my local last night and got hammered. I woke up this morning next to some big, fat, ugly bird who was snoring like a foghorn.

On the bright side, at least I'd made it home safely.