Best Jokes (continues)

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio　


1.　Ted Walsh　- Horse Racing Commentator –　
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2.　New Zealand Rugby Commentator　–　
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3.　Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator　–　
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4.　Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977　–　
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5.　US PGA Commentator　–　
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ......... Oh my god !! What have I just said?

6.　Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:　
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7.　A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,　
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'　
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8.　Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:　
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9.　Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:　
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10　Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:　
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11.　Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:　
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.　Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:　
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

"ITS A BOY" I shouted, "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". 

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with.  I told her, 

"Only you.  All the others kept me awake all night!"

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom.  It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.  Took her to the fair last  night, and it took me 3 hours to get her 

Off the Ferris wheel.

She was only the Optician's daughter but her frame was a sight for sore eyes.

 Can't miss out a reminder of the classic cricket double-entendre gaffs

There’s Neil Harvey standing at leg slip with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle

The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey

He just didn't quite get his leg over  

If you haven't heard these before then its clear you don't know cricket & if additionally you don't understand leg over, then you really should get out more.

She was only the Rear Admiral's daughter but her navel base was full of semen.

Yes and when Hoof Hearted won the grand national.

She was only the Chef's daughter, but she loves the Tongue in Cider.

I thought it was Pork in Cider?

That must be a different Chef's daughter.

T'was the butchers daughter that made them think they'd ought to.

She was only the farmer's daughter but all the horse manure.

she was only the welder's daughter but she had acetylene tits.

OK...

I recently set up a dating agency for chickens. But it's a struggle financially, I'm finding it hard to make hens meet.

So, my other half asked me if I had birth marks. I told her it was so long ago I can't remember.

The first time I ever went on stage, it was a disappointment as the back end of a pantomime wasp. I thought I was the bees knees.

But the next timeit was telling jokes at a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.

I said' 'Hands up if you don't know how to point at the ceiling'

Then I got a gig doing Star Trek impressions at a convention in Northern France. I was telling a friend this and he said 'Dunkirk?'

Stopped off at the department store on my way home, bought a pair of bathroom scales. They only go up to 30 stone though. I'm sure my bathroom weighs more than that.

I didn't actually buy them after picking them up though, as I was balanced on the shoulders of a pair of vampires at the time. I got done for shoplifting on two Counts.

Found myself in an 'Act like a Mop' talent show with another bloke. He wiped the floor with me.

She was only a tarmacer's daughter but still liked her asphalt 

Oh my. That is good. Worthy of Tim Vine.