Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Euro 2016 Group B:
England
Russia
Slovakia
Gareth Bale
STD for Aristocrats: Snob Rot.
STD for horse jockeys: Galloping Nob Rot.
Car suitable for a man with veenirial disease: Sports Turbo Diesel.
ATB from George
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What .. . . .. .. You coming empty handed?"
Tony Lockhart posted:Euro 2016 Group B:
England
Russia
Slovakia
Gareth Bale
That reminds me of a joke by that Welsh comedian who always had a leak on stage with him - Max Boyce (suddenly remembered).
The Joke:
A little Welsh bloke was up at Twickenham to watch Wales play England but didn't have a ticket and couldn't get one from the touts. So he is standing outside Twickers looking up at a bunch of Englishmen in the back row and they are giving him a running commentary**. All of a sudden there is a great roar and the Welshman says "What's happened boyos?" and one of the England supporters replies "All of the Welsh team apart from Gareth Edwards has been sent off." "Oh no" says the Welsh geezer. A little while later there is another great roar from inside that great temple to Rugby. "What's happening," says the Welshman, "has Gareth scored?"
** probably not possible today with the expansion of Twickers.
ps if Wales beat England in Euro 2016 that joke is gonna look pretty stupid!
Comedy is all about how you look at things.
For example, Kim Jong-un looks really funny, if you're not in North Korea.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Who has better career prospects … a hooker or cocaine dealer?
The hooker. She can resell her crack over and over again.
ewemon posted:The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
That is quite possibly the funniest Little Johnny joke I have ever heard.
Big Bill posted:Tony Lockhart posted:Euro 2016 Group B:
England
Russia
Slovakia
Gareth BaleThat reminds me of a joke by that Welsh comedian who always had a leak on stage with him - Max Boyce (suddenly remembered).
The Joke:
A little Welsh bloke was up at Twickenham to watch Wales play England but didn't have a ticket and couldn't get one from the touts. So he is standing outside Twickers looking up at a bunch of Englishmen in the back row and they are giving him a running commentary**. All of a sudden there is a great roar and the Welshman says "What's happened boyos?" and one of the England supporters replies "All of the Welsh team apart from Gareth Edwards has been sent off." "Oh no" says the Welsh geezer. A little while later there is another great roar from inside that great temple to Rugby. "What's happening," says the Welshman, "has Gareth scored?"
** probably not possible today with the expansion of Twickers.
ps if Wales beat England in Euro 2016 that joke is gonna look pretty stupid!
Was he accompanied by a plumber ?
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
(Nicked off Robert Benchley, but it's good).
John Willmott posted:Big Bill posted:Tony Lockhart posted:Euro 2016 Group B:
England
Russia
Slovakia
Gareth BaleThat reminds me of a joke by that Welsh comedian who always had a leak on stage with him - Max Boyce (suddenly remembered).
The Joke:
A little Welsh bloke was up at Twickenham to watch Wales play England but didn't have a ticket and couldn't get one from the touts. So he is standing outside Twickers looking up at a bunch of Englishmen in the back row and they are giving him a running commentary**. All of a sudden there is a great roar and the Welshman says "What's happened boyos?" and one of the England supporters replies "All of the Welsh team apart from Gareth Edwards has been sent off." "Oh no" says the Welsh geezer. A little while later there is another great roar from inside that great temple to Rugby. "What's happening," says the Welshman, "has Gareth scored?"
** probably not possible today with the expansion of Twickers.
ps if Wales beat England in Euro 2016 that joke is gonna look pretty stupid!
Was he accompanied by a plumber ?
Does that mean you didn't see the joke-within-a-joke?
Big Bill posted:John Willmott posted:Big Bill posted:Tony Lockhart posted:Euro 2016 Group B:
England
Russia
Slovakia
Gareth BaleThat reminds me of a joke by that Welsh comedian who always had a leak on stage with him - Max Boyce (suddenly remembered).
The Joke:
A little Welsh bloke was up at Twickenham to watch Wales play England but didn't have a ticket and couldn't get one from the touts. So he is standing outside Twickers looking up at a bunch of Englishmen in the back row and they are giving him a running commentary**. All of a sudden there is a great roar and the Welshman says "What's happened boyos?" and one of the England supporters replies "All of the Welsh team apart from Gareth Edwards has been sent off." "Oh no" says the Welsh geezer. A little while later there is another great roar from inside that great temple to Rugby. "What's happening," says the Welshman, "has Gareth scored?"
** probably not possible today with the expansion of Twickers.
ps if Wales beat England in Euro 2016 that joke is gonna look pretty stupid!
Was he accompanied by a plumber ?
Does that mean you didn't see the joke-within-a-joke?
Of course .. it was the joke-within-the-joke-within-the-joke that I was referring to ..
What's E.T. short for?
'cos he's only got little legs.
"Do you remember what day today is?" asked my wife,
"Of course!" I replied, "...Happy Valenbirthsary!
John Willmott posted:Big Bill posted:John Willmott posted:Big Bill posted:Tony Lockhart posted:Euro 2016 Group B:
England
Russia
Slovakia
Gareth BaleThat reminds me of a joke by that Welsh comedian who always had a leak on stage with him - Max Boyce (suddenly remembered).
The Joke:
A little Welsh bloke was up at Twickenham to watch Wales play England but didn't have a ticket and couldn't get one from the touts. So he is standing outside Twickers looking up at a bunch of Englishmen in the back row and they are giving him a running commentary**. All of a sudden there is a great roar and the Welshman says "What's happened boyos?" and one of the England supporters replies "All of the Welsh team apart from Gareth Edwards has been sent off." "Oh no" says the Welsh geezer. A little while later there is another great roar from inside that great temple to Rugby. "What's happening," says the Welshman, "has Gareth scored?"
** probably not possible today with the expansion of Twickers.
ps if Wales beat England in Euro 2016 that joke is gonna look pretty stupid!
Was he accompanied by a plumber ?
Does that mean you didn't see the joke-within-a-joke?
Of course .. it was the joke-within-the-joke-within-the-joke that I was referring to ..
That's original.
Why are there so many bakeries in Norfolk?
'cos they're all interbred...
I see that the awful Stuart Hall was released from jail today after serving half his sentence. Did he play his Joker then?
Where do TV controllers go on holiday?
To a remote island.
Breaking news; there has been an explosion in a cheese factory.
De brie everywhere.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
I got a Samaritans advent calendar the other day, every time I open a window someone jumps out
Derek Wright posted:Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
One of Emo Philips' best...
I was standing in a queue the other day behind this big woman with a really fat arse, when her phone starts to beep.
A little boy behind her says f**k me she is starting to reverse.
I spent a week in a queue waiting to see Star Wars.
That counts as sleeping with someone, right?