Best Jokes (continues)

Following his death, Jimmy Hill is to be buried at the family plot on Easter Island.

Tony Lockhart posted:

Following his death, Jimmy Hill is to be buried at the family plot on Easter Island.

Not in China with the rest of the Chin dynasty?

Tony Lockhart posted:

Following his death, Jimmy Hill is to be buried at the family plot on Easter Island.

Renault 5, what's your's called?

I call mine Match Of The Day, because it gets f---ed by a Hill.

"My mate's got a new Renault"

"What is it?"

"It's a Renault Clit"

"Don't you mean Clio?"

"No, it's red and very c**ts got one"

The other day someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years.
I said I didn't know, I haven't got 2020 vision.

tonym posted:

The other day someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years.
I said I didn't know, I haven't got 2020 vision.

Oh give that man a biscuit, that's wonderful ... 

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. I thought "you big soft t*at". . . . . .

Then I remembered, he's in prison.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Knobi are having a coffee together. Obi-Wan - "How come you know what I've bought you for Christmas Darth?"

"Because I felt your presents Old Master"

 Mummy what is an orgasm?

I've got no idea, you will have to ask your father.

Why do mice have such tiny balls?

Because so very few of them can dance.

It's not easy being an only child in Norfolk.

You have to form a relationship someone else's sister.

I have spent all morning sending out distress calls... I think I am developing a flare for it.

Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader prepare to duel to the death: Luke is armed with a light sabre, Darth Vader with a rather heavier one.

rodwsmith posted:

Finally found us a place, though not without compromises. Nothing but oatmeal on the menu, the maids arrive early with dung forks, and there's no wifi. However, I was able to apply my frequent traveler points towards three gifts that will be delivered during our stay. So you can stop with the priMadonna act for Christ's sake.

I Opened my front door this morning to find a huge ball of plasticene on the doorstep. I still don't know what to make of it....

This is an actual joke from my cracker today.

Q. What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

A. Pear.

We just don't get it. Does anyone?

Regards,

Nick

The  answer we had was Pineapple

An Anteater walks into a pub and the landlord asks " Why the long face ? "

Merry Christmas and a happy new year to you all.

Nice! Makes a change from the horse. 

A penguin walks into the pub, looking for his dad. 'What's he look like?' asks the barman. 

Seems like only yesterday my brother rang to tell me I was an uncle to a baby boy, and that him and his wife were going to name him after me.

The years go by so quickly!

Afterme will be 21 next week.

How many parents does it take to raise a psychopath?

Two. Then one. Then none.

The general formed his troops into a semi-circle, with nineteen radial lines, ten degrees between them.

He was expecting a protracted campaign.