Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 29 October 2010 by mongo
quote:Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
I like sexy physics jokes. They give me a hadron.
Read this an hour ago.
My sides still ache
Posted on: 30 October 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Has anyone tried that new aftershave made in tribute to the Hindenburg disaster? Eau De Humanity.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 31 October 2010 by tonym
I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
Just had one from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
Posted on: 31 October 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Train spotters are so sad standing there all day looking at trains. I mean get a life.I counted 13 of them today.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 01 November 2010 by Reginald Halliday
Two nuns are being raped by two guys down an alley.
The first nun says "Forgive him Father because he knows not what he does"
The second nun screams out "WOOHOO!!!!! this one does!!"
The first nun says "Forgive him Father because he knows not what he does"
The second nun screams out "WOOHOO!!!!! this one does!!"
Posted on: 04 November 2010 by roger poll
I took the wife out for tea and biscuits the other day. I think she enjoyed it, although it was the first time she had given blood.
Posted on: 05 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Ok, not a joke, but funny anyway. Moral: be patient.
http://m.funnyordie.com/videos...cooter-elevator-fail
Tony
http://m.funnyordie.com/videos...cooter-elevator-fail
Tony
Posted on: 05 November 2010 by roger poll
Husband rushes into his house shouting "Mary, Mary, I've won the lottery, pack your bags". Fantastic, she says, "Shall I pack for hot or cold weather. Husband.....I don't realy care as long as you are out by noon.
Posted on: 08 November 2010 by George Fredrik
A farmer upgraded his milking machine with a fully automatic new version.
He decided to try it out ... well no cow was involved at least. After a while the pleasure turned to a certain consternation as the farmer had no idea how to turn the machine off, so he rang the emergency help line from his mobile.
A cheery voice assured him not to worry as the machine would automatically stop sucking after two litres had been extracted ...
ATB from George
He decided to try it out ... well no cow was involved at least. After a while the pleasure turned to a certain consternation as the farmer had no idea how to turn the machine off, so he rang the emergency help line from his mobile.
A cheery voice assured him not to worry as the machine would automatically stop sucking after two litres had been extracted ...
ATB from George
Posted on: 08 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have Alzheimers. Bummer. But hey ho, at least I don't have Alzheimers!
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 08 November 2010 by Bananahead
quote:Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have Alzheimers. Bummer. But hey ho, at least I don't have Alzheimers!
Tony
People tell you that when you get older you will lose your mind. What they don't tell you is that you won't care.
Posted on: 09 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
On a holiday to South America I was trying to find my way out of the rain forest when I stood on a snake. Now I'm back to square one.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 10 November 2010 by tonym
I got arrested on the way to work this morning. They were doing a house-to-house just as I was leaving home, and asked where I was between 7 and 10. Apparently, "Primary School" was deemed an obstructive response.
Posted on: 10 November 2010 by BigH47
Posted on: 10 November 2010 by Reginald Halliday
Overheard a guy in the library today asking for a book on Homosexual Dwarf Sex.
The librarian replied "How can you stoop so low?"
"Thats the one" he replied
The librarian replied "How can you stoop so low?"
"Thats the one" he replied
Posted on: 10 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
I got booted out of an Ann Summers shop today for asking where the kiddie section was.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 11 November 2010 by Jono 13
quote:Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
I got booted out of an Ann Summers shop today for asking where the kiddie section was.
Tony
Try Amazon.
Posted on: 11 November 2010 by Reginald Halliday
The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
Posted on: 12 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
A girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned. The man, who is a little deaf, says, "Come again?" The girl blushes and replies, "No, it's yoghurt this time."
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 12 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 12 November 2010 by roger poll
Always borrow money from pessimists as they don't expect to get it back.
Posted on: 12 November 2010 by roger poll
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
Posted on: 12 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Slags. Putting the STI in stiffy.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 15 November 2010 by tonym
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer .... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St.. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer .... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St.. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"
Posted on: 15 November 2010 by Reginald Halliday
Did you hear about the spammer who emailed a list of ten puns to all his friends. He hoped at least one pun would be funny enough to make them laugh. No pun in ten did.