Best Jokes (continues)

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have Alzheimers. Bummer. But hey ho, at least I don't have Alzheimers!

Tony

People tell you that when you get older you will lose your mind. What they don't tell you is that you won't care.

On a holiday to South America I was trying to find my way out of the rain forest when I stood on a snake. Now I'm back to square one.

Tony

I got arrested on the way to work this morning. They were doing a house-to-house just as I was leaving home, and asked where I was between 7 and 10. Apparently, "Primary School" was deemed an obstructive response.

Overheard a guy in the library today asking for a book on Homosexual Dwarf Sex.
The librarian replied "How can you stoop so low?"
"Thats the one" he replied

I got booted out of an Ann Summers shop today for asking where the kiddie section was.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
I got booted out of an Ann Summers shop today for asking where the kiddie section was.

Tony

Try Amazon.

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

A girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned. The man, who is a little deaf, says, "Come again?" The girl blushes and replies, "No, it's yoghurt this time."

Tony

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Tony

Always borrow money from pessimists as they don't expect to get it back.

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

Slags. Putting the STI in stiffy.

Tony

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer .... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in heaven together forever?"

Another month passed. St.. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"

Did you hear about the spammer who emailed a list of ten puns to all his friends. He hoped at least one pun would be funny enough to make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I suffered a severe beating when I told a Jewish baker to bog off back to Israel with his bagels. I should have known he was going to be an expert at Jew dough.

Tony

My lesbian neighbours bought me a rolex, it's really nice but they obviously misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"

Tony

A couple having sex. The man stops mid thrust and holds body rigid.
Woman complains, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Man replies “A technique I learned on the internet, it’s called buffering”

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm...

...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that."

My champion racing snail seems to have stopped performing as he isn't winning any races these days.

I thought that it might be because he's getting older so I decided to remove his shell to bring his weight down a bit and make him a bit more aerodynamic and give him a fighting chance. Sadly it didn't go to plan. In fact, if anything its made him a bit more sluggish.

Bad news for Kate Middleton. The country already has a People's Princess - Audley Harrison.


What have Audley Harrison and Michael Jackson got in common?

They both wore gloves for no good reason

If there was a competition for sex, I'd enter myself!

Tony

You wont hear from me for a while, Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so i need to lilo.

Tony

Q: What did the slug say to the snail?
A: "Big Issue?"

Jon

I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other. She entered a wet t-shirt competition and won first and third prize.

Tony