You have to form a relationship someone else's sister."
Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 28 December 2015 by Boilerman
What did General Patton say to his men before they got into their tanks?
"Right - Get in to your tanks men!"
Posted on: 28 December 2015 by Big Bill
Tony Lockhart posted:The general formed his troops into a semi-circle, with nineteen radial lines, ten degrees between them.
He was expecting a protracted campaign.
Oh yes, like it!
Posted on: 29 December 2015 by ewemon
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No,I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well,as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied,and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
Posted on: 01 January 2016 by Kevin-W
Ah, 2015. What a year that was.
I remember it as if it were yesterday.
Posted on: 02 January 2016 by ewemon
Not sure if I have posted this before.
Some nicknames given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:
"Two Soups" - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on
the side).
"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he
always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'
"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.
"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.
"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues:' Let me put you in the picture...'
"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..
"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry,
my hands are tied.'
"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!
Posted on: 03 January 2016 by ewemon
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Posted on: 05 January 2016 by MDS
This made me smile when I saw it hanging at a friend's house recently so I took a photo:
Posted on: 06 January 2016 by tonym
A crowded United AirLines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to re-book a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"
The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Fcuk you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
Posted on: 07 January 2016 by Tony Lockhart
Cockney scientists: you can't live with atom.
Posted on: 07 January 2016 by GraemeH
Tony Lockhart posted:Cockney scientists: you can't live with atom.
Now that's good.
G
Posted on: 08 January 2016 by Tony Lockhart
The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.
Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running.
Posted on: 09 January 2016 by Tony Lockhart
A woman has been found guilty of GBH and jailed for three years after beating her husband with a cat'o'nine tails.
The Norwich court also banned her from keeping animals for life.
Posted on: 10 January 2016 by Paper Plane
"It's not easy being an only child in Norfolk.
Presumably for the US version you substitute Kentucky for Norfolk...
steve
Posted on: 11 January 2016 by tonym
A beautiful blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay. A curious prospective buyer called her and asked if it was big.
She said: "It's massive." He said: "How many feet?"
She said: " None - it's a snake!"
Posted on: 12 January 2016 by Tony Lockhart
Tesco ready meals.
A little taste of prison right in your own home.
Posted on: 12 January 2016 by nigelb
I'm sure this has done the rounds but not seen it on here yet so here goes:
Have you heard what they are calling the latest high profile couple?
Jerry and the pacemaker.
I wonder what she sees in the billionaire Rupert Murdoch?
Posted on: 12 January 2016 by hafler3o
nigelb posted:...
I wonder what she sees in the billionaire Rupert Murdoch?
Vivacity, integrity, humility (well it is a joke thread).
Posted on: 12 January 2016 by nigelb
Indeed an honourable man who happens to be very, very rich.
Call me cynical (and sarcastic).
Posted on: 13 January 2016 by tonym
Posted on: 13 January 2016 by Steve GTX
Posted on: 13 January 2016 by Steve GTX
How do you insert a photo?
Posted on: 13 January 2016 by Steve GTX
Not a joke but a question!
Posted on: 13 January 2016 by Tony Lockhart
I can't even be bothered to find out. I only use my iPhone for this forum, and to me it's not obvious. Previous to the forum update, I posted images for about 15 years, no problem. The internet, who needs it?
Posted on: 14 January 2016 by ewemon
Steve GTX posted:Not a joke but a question!
Depends which OS you are on. In windows right click on the pic you want to post, press copy image url, click post reply on here and then hover your mouse over the small icons you should see insert/edit image. Click the icon, top line says source, paste the url into that and press post.
If you want to resize the image that's easy as well all you do is when the image appears usually covered in blue you will see drag boxes in the corners just put your mouse over one, hold left click and pull it out or push in. Viola you've finished.
Posted on: 14 January 2016 by Steve GTX
Must be being a bit thick here!
The image is on my desktop (Windows 10).