Best Jokes (continues)

You can't post it from there Steve. You need to put it into a photo hosting site like Photobucket. It's free - just upload your photo into it, then copy the url (it'll show this in a little box) and post it by clicking on the little mountain in a frame -shaped icon on the Add Reply section.

"If you look up 'accident-prone' in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of my five year-old, George."

I said, beginning my eulogy.

My father was an abusive clown.

Always struck me as funny.

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

Help needed with Apple Airport Extreme

Keeps sending me simulations for an emergency landing in an orchard in China

Tony Lockhart posted:

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please."

Ya know that is a bit good that one, loved it.

Reminiscent of the Two Ronnies Fork Handles sketch.

What Starts With "F"

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students.

 The teacher asked, 'Harry,  what exactly is your problem?' 
 
Harry answered, 'I'm  too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!  I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' 
  
 Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. 
 
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher  
explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he  
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She  agreed. 
 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were  explained to him and he  happily agreed to take the test. 
  
 
Principal:  'What  is 3 x 3?'
 Harry: '9..' 
Principal: 'What  is 6  x 6?' 
 Harry: '36.'
 And so it went with every question the principal  thought a bright 3rd grader should know. 
 The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
 'Y’know  I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade' 

 But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the  principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..' 
 The principal and Harry both agree. 
 
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What  does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' 
 Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' 

Ms  Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I  do not have?' 
 The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! 

Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' 

Harry: 'Pants.' 

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..
 Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes  out soft and sticky?' 
 Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he  could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' 
 
Ms.  Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a  woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' 
 Harry: 'Shake hands.' 
 The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'
 Harry: 'Firetruck.' 

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
 "Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last  seven questions wrong  myself ."

Tony Lockhart posted:

My father was an abusive clown.

Always struck me as funny.

My father said that children taste nice deep fried.

I always took that advice with a pinch of salt.

An English doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm."

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

USB and USA.

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data. The other is a hardware standard.

Very good. I'll give you that one Mr. Lockhart. 

At a Scottish cocktail reception I was invited to take a small piece of sausage on a stick from a tray

"What's this?" I asked "A canape?"

"Nae problem" replied the waiter, "They're free"

Very droll Tony.  Very droll.

In 1272 the Welsh invented the condom by using a sheep’s lower intestine.

In 1873 the English, somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first!

Love that one Steve.

Baa Baa!

Typical English.  Spoiling the Welsh's fun

I think my wife's got the hump with me at the moment. All because I didn't open the car door for her.

I just panicked and swam to the surface.

The sheep, so marked by the Welsh, were destined for sale to the English.

John Willmott posted:

The sheep, so marked by the Welsh, were destined for sale to the English.

Why the English?  Don't the Welsh eat Lamb, or come to that the Scotts or the Irish.  I think a lot of it would have ended up in France too.  But the main market for Welsh lamb is in Wales itself, it's good stuff and not that much is produced.  The other issue with your post is that most lamb is eaten very young, so unless the Welsh farmer was size challenged the lambs would be untouched!

Or were you just trying to have a dig?

"Can I have a pack of condoms?"

"Small box?"

"I hope so."

My son has just come home carrying an armchair and a sofa. He said "someone just gave them to me".

I have had to ground him as I have warned him before about accepting suites from strangers.

The local police did a talk on drugs last night.

Load of incoherent rambling, couldn't understand a word they were saying.

steve

Big Bill posted:

John Willmott posted:

The sheep, so marked by the Welsh, were destined for sale to the English.

Why the English?  Don't the Welsh eat Lamb, or come to that the Scotts or the Irish.  I think a lot of it would have ended up in France too.  But the main market for Welsh lamb is in Wales itself, it's good stuff and not that much is produced.  The other issue with your post is that most lamb is eaten very young, so unless the Welsh farmer was size challenged the lambs would be untouched!

Or were you just trying to have a dig?

Big Bill:

Respectfully, the conversation was about sheep not lamb(s) .. from an epicurean perspective they are miles apart.  

And whilst your comment is correct in that most lamb is eaten very young, you are, of course, referring to modern day appetites.  In the 13th century sheep (mutton) would have been far more popular fayre.

John.

Self service checkouts: taking the embarrassment out of buying lube, condoms, Anusol and the Daily Mail.