Best Jokes (continues)

Doctor to 79 year old lady-"Well Mrs Henderson, after giving you a thorough medical examination, my conclusion is that you have acute angina."

"Ooh thank you doctor, you're not so bad yourself."

MarkJH posted:

Doctor to 79 year old lady-"Well Mrs Henderson, after giving you a thorough medical examination, my conclusion is that you have acute angina."

"Ooh thank you doctor, you're not so bad yourself."

Doctor, "Wonderful Mrs Henderson. Seems a visit to the audiologist might also be in order."

I had a dodgy curry the other night, ended up paying for it with explosive diarrhoea.

With hindsight, I think the chap on the till would have preferred cash.

joerand posted:

MarkJH posted:

Doctor to 79 year old lady-"Well Mrs Henderson, after giving you a thorough medical examination, my conclusion is that you have acute angina."

"Ooh thank you doctor, you're not so bad yourself."

Doctor, "Wonderful Mrs Henderson. Seems a visit to the audiologist might also be in order."

"Pardon"

joerand posted:

MarkJH posted:

Doctor to 79 year old lady-"Well Mrs Henderson, after giving you a thorough medical examination, my conclusion is that you have acute angina."

"Ooh thank you doctor, you're not so bad yourself."

Doctor, "Wonderful Mrs Henderson. Seems a visit to the audiologist might also be in order."

Pardon?

John Willmott posted:

Big Bill posted:

John Willmott posted:

The sheep, so marked by the Welsh, were destined for sale to the English.

Why the English?  Don't the Welsh eat Lamb, or come to that the Scotts or the Irish.  I think a lot of it would have ended up in France too.  But the main market for Welsh lamb is in Wales itself, it's good stuff and not that much is produced.  The other issue with your post is that most lamb is eaten very young, so unless the Welsh farmer was size challenged the lambs would be untouched!

Or were you just trying to have a dig?

Big Bill:

 

Respectfully, the conversation was about sheep not lamb(s) .. from an epicurean perspective they are miles apart.  

And whilst your comment is correct in that most lamb is eaten very young, you are, of course, referring to modern day appetites.  In the 13th century sheep (mutton) would have been far more popular fayre.

John. 

 

'Funny I thought a lamb was a young sheep and that there was no such meat as Sheep?  I didn't realise that your whole post was about 13th century practices and not modern eating habits.  Yes I agree, nowadays I think most of us wrongly refer to the sheep meat we buy as lamb because it is quite rare now to see the likes of Hogget or Mutton in our local supermarket.  I would have thought that in the 13th Century even less Sheep meat would have been exported outside of Wales than it would have been today though?

But I have to obviously bow to your greater knowledge of amorous contacts with Welsh sheep, that is clear.

John Terry has decided to leave Chelsea to spend more time with the wife. 

Now he needs to decide whose. 

What does the 'B' in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?

Benoit B Mandelbrot.

Chris Dolan posted:

John Terry has decided to leave Chelsea to spend more time with the wife. 

Now he needs to decide whose. 

I've moved on from casual vaginal sex to casual anal sex. You come and you go just the same. But the departing peck on the cheek seems even more faceless.

It has been alleged that Texas Senator Ted Cruz once had a homosexual relationship with his main political opponent. However, he has won the first vote of the 2016 Presidential Election despite the rumours.

He came up Trump's.

57 years ago today was 'The Day The Music Died'.

Bono was conceived.

I always thought that it was the day that Freddie Mercury was born. 

THE FOREMAN OF AN IRISH ROAD CREW EMPLOYED PADDY TO PAINT THE WHITE
LINE DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. HE TOLD PADDY THAT HE SHOULD
PAINT TWO MILES OF ROAD IN A DAY’S WORK.

AFTER THE FIRST DAY, THE FOREMAN WAS PLEASED TO FIND THAT HE'D PAINTED
FOUR MILES OF ROAD INSTEAD OF THE TWO REQUIRED.

ON THE SECOND DAY, PADDY COMPLETED PAINTING JUST 2 MILES OF ROAD. THE
FOREMAN WAS A BIT DISAPPOINTED, BUT DIDN’T COMPLAIN AS THIS WAS, AFTER
ALL, ONLY WHAT HE’D ASKED FOR.

ON DAY 3, THE FOREMAN WAS DISAPPOINTED TO FIND THAT PADDY HAD PAINTED
ONLY ONE MILE OF ROAD, AND SO ASKED, "ON YER FIRST DAY, YA DID FOUR
MOILES O’ ROAD. ON YER SECOND YA DID TWO MOILES. BUT ON YER TIRD DAY
YA ONLY DID ONE MOIL. WHAT’S UP?”

PADDY REPLIED, "WELL, OIL TELL YA WHAT’S UP, BUT I TOUGHT A CLEVER
BLOKE LOIK YOU WOULDA BEEN ABLE TA FIGGER IT OUT FER YERSELF! YER SEE,
EVERY DAY I GETS FERDER AN’
FERDER AWAY FROM DE PAINT TIN!”

I've just found out that the guy who stole my diary has died.

My thoughts are with his family.

My sex doll and I have been together for exactly a year today.

To celebrate our anniversary, I decided to get her a book:

'Sex Tips for Dummies'.

I ordered the latest "Goth" sex doll. She was a real beauty complete with shaved head, extensive tatoos, and black nails. Unfortunately, she didn't respond well to the nipple piercings I gave her.

I asked the librarian if she had any good books on voyeurism.

"How the hell did you get into our bedroom?" her husband demanded. 

When my wife left me, I was sad and alone.
Since she left I have bought a dog, a new motorbike, shagged the bird from next door, spent loads on drink and drugs.....

She's going to lose it when she gets home from work!

One thing you never say when you are a Barman in a gay bar is say can I push your stool in.

Terence and Alan are out in London when Alan collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

Terence whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, Terence says "OK, now what?"

My snooty new girlfriend dumped me after one date just because the table I'd reserved was too close to the toilet.

She didn't even finish her Big Mac.

(Memory test in the old folks' home).

The question asked is "What is 2 + 2?"

Bert answered "Tuesday"

Bill answered "39"

Eric answered "4".

"Well done Eric" said the tester - "how did you work it out?"

" I just subtracted Tuesday from 39"