Best Jokes (continues)

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Very good Ebor, made me grin. 

In the Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife. The couple had been happily married for 50 years.

The   husband contacted the newspaper regarding an obituary. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much? !!!” 

He reluctantly produced his wallet. “I want summat simple” he explained, “my Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.” 

“Perhaps a small poem”, suggested the woman at the desk. 

“Nay”, he said, “she wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite died’”. 

“You need to say when”, he was told by the receptionist. 

“Do I?  Well, put died 17th March 2015. That'll do”. 

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed”.

The man considered for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed’. That'll do”, he said.

“You can have another four words”, the woman explained.

“No, no”, he cried, “she wouldn' ave wanted me to splash out”.

“The words are included in the price”, the woman informed him.


“Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?”.

“Yes, indeed”. 

“Well, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin them”.



The   obituary was duly printed as follows:

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th March 2015. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp-eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realises what they are up to. So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.

“To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet: we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector.”

[And what were you thinking?!]

Andy Murray's daughter - Annette?

...I'll get me coat.

G

They say it's tough being a hostage.

But I reckon I can do it with my hands tied behind my back.

True story...

I was looking for a Valentine card in Birkenhead market,  I found one that
had a red embossed heart and lovely red velvet ribbons.
It said “ To my one and only love”

But it only came in packs of 5!

A man walks into a Zoo. The only animal in the entire Zoo is a Dog, it's a Shitzu!

Again!

This is no joke:

http://youtu.be/TJ-I4aMfGkY

Tony Lockhart posted:

Again!

 

 

He went twice!!

What?  The man or the dog?

The jersey I had for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another free of charge.

1st April is the only day of the year that the population critically evaluates news items before accepting them as true.  

"Go to bed & you'll feel better in the morning" is the human equivalent of "turn it off & then back on again" to computers.  

The doctor asks the pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" 
"...........  if you ate a can  of  beans,  would you know which one made you fart?" 

I was going to get a stairlift installed for my parents.

But then thought - "No, it would drive them up the wall"

My eyes! My eyes!

tonym posted:

I was going to get a stairlift installed for my parents.

But then thought - "No, it would drive them up the wall"

Thanks Tony. I'll be using this.

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly Grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her Grandparents house to visit her 95 year old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her Grandfather had died she was horrified when her Grandmother replied " He had a heart attack while we were making love on a Sundy morning". Horrified, Katie told her Grandmother that two elderly people who were near 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no my dear" replied her Granny. " Many years ago realizing our advanced age, we figured out when to do it was when the Church Bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm,. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."  She paused to wipe away a tear and continued "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream van hadn't come along".

Brilliant! Thanks.