Best Jokes (continues)

Mike-B posted:

1st April is the only day of the year that the population critically evaluates news items before accepting them as true.  

There are only ever 2 true stories in a newspaper; the date and the price.

An EHO was doing food safety inspection in a Bakery when she noticed Paddy take out his false teeth and crimp the Birthday Cakes edge with them. The EHO shouted at him "have you not got a tool for that" and he shouted back at her "nope I save it for the doughnuts".

ewemon posted:

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly Grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her Grandparents house to visit her 95 year old Grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her Grandfather had died she was horrified when her Grandmother replied " He had a heart attack while we were making love on a Sundy morning". Horrified, Katie told her Grandmother that two elderly people who were near 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no my dear" replied her Granny. " Many years ago realizing our advanced age, we figured out when to do it was when the Church Bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm,. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."  She paused to wipe away a tear and continued "He'd still be alive if the Ice Cream van hadn't come along".

The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver is a bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn" & a bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"...WHACK.

Two golfers waiting there turn to drive were looking over a nearby river. One says to the other "Look at those idiots over there fishin' in the rain."

The best kind of music to play when fishing is something catchy.

What does rap sound like played backwards?
Rap.

What happens when you play country & western music backwards?
You get your pick-up truck back, your dog returns to life, and you get back your job at the car wash.

Mike-B posted:

What does rap sound like played backwards?
Rap.

What happens when you play country & western music backwards?
You get your pick-up truck back, your dog returns to life, and you get back your job at the car wash.

 

I thought rap played backwards was going to be something like: cars stop overturning, your girl's black eye disappears and the lyrics become "Oh."

Mike-B posted:

The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver is a bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn" & a bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"...WHACK.

 

Which reminds me of the saying: 'if at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you'.

True.

And there was me thinking it was just the BBC who were culpable.  No wonder the Tories have been a it quiet on this

Another trick missed by Labour in 2015.

TOBYJUG posted:

True.

Please make my day and tell me he wrote for the Daily Mail too!

There's a risk of taking this thread to new lows, so please could posters stick to posting "best jokes".  If you wish to discuss more sordid matters then I would recommend a new thread, or better yet, go out and do a good turn for somebody instead.

Hmmm....  A rather strange response, Richard, if I may say so.  While Savile was sordid, there is nothing sordid in the photo or in any of the comments.  Basically they effectively say Savile got everywhere and some living in glass houses should be wary. Perhaps that is why  there are so many embarrassed people in many of our institutions.  Perhaps a good turn for the day is to remind people of that!

But you are the boss here and we all hear what you say.  I'll now try to think of an original joke on another theme and post it.

Best wishes, JSH

OK Richard, here goes an attempt to get us back on track

"What comes between fear and sex? 

Funf"

Not original (Barry Cryer?) and sounds better out loud

Chap's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee

It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit

"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked

"I have no job" he replied

"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"

"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended

"And how exactly will he do that then?"

"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity

"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"

"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"

"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"

"I know not yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"

At this point, the chap gives up and leaves the house fuming, headed straight for the pub. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,

"What's up mate? You seem troubled"

"Well, I've just met my girl's new fella"

"Oh dear, bad news?"

"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."

As we approach the twilight years, thoughts come around to ways of making the most of your time, I've perfected the art of coughing, farting (with or without solids) & peeing at the same time,  a great time saver.   Problem is I need to be careful about involuntary coughs in polite company.

The wisdom of age
  
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Supermarket.
I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
 
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.
                 
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
.
.         
.
.
.
.
I thought for a few seconds and asked... "What kind of beer you got?"

I never finish anything..................I have a black belt in partial arts!

My First drink with my son
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and
memories came flooding back of
the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it – so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody
pram back home.

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw
herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia.”

"I see," the captain says.

 Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

You know you're getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping.