Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I didn't know Mugabee was from Yorkshire until I read his name backwards.
joerand posted:You know you're getting old when you hurt yourself sleeping.
..and when you don't know you've been sleeping, especially in company 
I've never understood how the word soporific came about - why doesn't it start with zz?
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
redhead with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used
the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a
child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that
most people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can
you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The redhead said, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
A recent survey found that men masturbate an average of once a day. I found that a relief.
One of the threads on HiFi Corner took a bizarre turn and ended in some exchanges recalling the wonderful anecdotes of Humphrey Lyttleton on the Radio 4 game show 'Sorry I Haven't a Clue'. In particular there was reference to Humph's double entendres about Samantha, the fictitious score keeper on the show. Having done a Google search I felt compelled to quote one of these in the Padded Cell where it belongs. Here goes:
'Samantha does a few chores for an elderly gentleman who lives nearby. She shows him how to use the washing machine and then prunes his fruit trees. Later he'll hang out his pyjamas as he watches her beaver away up a ladder!'
For me that is sheer genius.
'Pick up a song - Samantha in the gramophone library'
As is traditional on these occasions, Samantha went along to the gramaphone library earlier to collect the teams' records. It's pitch black down there, so Samantha and the elderly archivist have taken to searching the shelves by candle light, which can be messy, so while Samantha passes down the discs, the nice man holds the ladder while he cleans the dust and wax off in the dark.
G
Ah yes, I remember it well. Of course that was in the days before the beaver had been fully culled.
OK we are on a roll now, another Samantha true story:
Samantha has to go now as she's off to meet her Italian gentleman friend who's taking her out for an ice cream. She says she likes to spend an evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan!
One of the archivists has thoughtfully put the scripts on line. Google ivorysky and Samantha should get you there.
Samantha tells me she has to nip off to a rare breeds farm where they still plough with huge beasts of burden. She's become friendly with a couple of farmhands who are going to show her their gigantic ox.
G
Samantha has a new boyfriend, Jake. who is a very enthusiastic lumber-jack. His great joy in life is chopping down trees; he has taught Samantha to do this as well; she is becoming very proficient. The couple like to leave their log cabin every morning and have a frenzy of wood clearing before breakfast. However try as she may, Samantha can only cut down about a third of the couple of dozen Jake can manage before breakfast. Simple arithmetic shows that while Jake cuts down 24 trees, Samantha struggles to fell eight.
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
Boilerman posted:A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"
Brilliant ! 
Donuk posted:Simple arithmetic shows that while Jake cuts down 24 trees, Samantha struggles to fell eight.
Maybe Jake has a huge chopper!
Surely the best Humph joke is the one they say is the dirtiest ever broadcast on R4. It concerns none other than Lionel Blair
"Lionel is appearing in pantomime this year in Snow White and the 7 dwarfs (sorry!!). The dwarfs are unhappy because apparently Lionel often feels grumpy and occasionally comes over sleepy."
(Fill in your own capital letters)
Dwarves?
I think you'll find the 1937 film is Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs, as I said. That film gave us Happy, Grumpy etc; prior to that the dwarfs (!) had other names
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...arfs_%281937_film%29
JSH posted:I think you'll find the 1937 film is Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs, as I said. That film gave us Happy, Grumpy etc; prior to that the dwarfs (!) had other names
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...arfs_%281937_film%29
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...nd_the_Seven_Dwarfs_(1912_play)
My favourites were Humph's prefaces to "Sound Charades".
Who can forget:
"Who can forget Una Stubbs sitting open mouthed as Lionel Blair pulled off 12 Angry Men in under two minutes?"
"No one who witnessed the event will ever forget the sparkle in Lionel Blair's eye as he received Free Willy from Michael Aspel for two minutes!"
"The master of the genre was undoubtedly Lionel Blair, and who will ever forget him, exhausted and on his knees, finishing off An Officer And A Gentleman in under two minutes?"
"Fans still speak in hushed tones of the day Una Stubbs, her hands a blur, managed Three Men in a Boat in less than 90 seconds!"
If Humph wasn't so posh, and didn't play the role of bewildered (and innocent) old duffer to such perfection, it wouldn't be half as funny. When Stephen Fry took over after Humph's death, he tried to do Samantha/Lionel entendres, and just ended up souding smug and sleazy.
The genius of course is whoever it was who wrote all those wonderful double entendres.
nigelb posted:The genius of course is whoever it was who wrote all those wonderful double entendres.
I think it was a mixture of Graeme Garden, producer Jon Naismith and Humph himself Nigel.
Dwarfs is accepted as correct. JRRT used Dwarves and admitted he was in error.
One cold night, deep in the woods, Snow White and the seven dwarfs were taking a hot tub together, passing the wine. It wasn't long before Snow White started feeling Happy.
Well, if you can't trust Tolkein....
From an old advert theme
Snow White thought that seven-up was just a fizzy drink until she discovered Smirnoff.....