Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
British men between 55 and 65 years of age, will, on average, have sex
two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more)
Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only
once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had
no idea they were Japanese.
Did you hear about the two gay cowboys.
one said 'yup'. The other said 'yup'!
Boilerman posted:Did you hear about the two gay cowboys.
one said 'yup'. The other said 'yup'!
Didn't they make a Holywood film; Mounting a Broken Backside?
For all you banjo players out there
Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot who crashed his plane into his brothers scrapyard
Boilerman posted:Did you hear about the Jewish kamikaze pilot who crashed his plane into his brothers scrapyard
That made me laugh out loud, thank you.
Two cannibals are eating a clown one said to the other one "does this taste funny to you"
Courtesy of What Hifi
Great Dayjay!
Boilerman posted:Two cannibals are eating a clown one said to the other one "does this taste funny to you"
Two gay cannibals are sharing lunch.
First cannibal: 'How are you getting on?'
Second cannibal: 'I'm having a ball'
First cannibal: 'Well slow down, you're eating too fast'
At last, a gay joke that doesn't involve farting or a rear end.
"Well save one for me" would have been the obvious punch line.
One cannibal was late for the cannibal dinner party.
so he got the cold shoulder
then they gave him the elbow
A cannibal is walking down the road and he bumps in to his friend, who's arm was missing up to the elbow and all bandaged up.
"What happened to your Arm?"
"Ive been on holiday"
"Did you have an accident?"
"No, I went self catering!"
I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as Oral High Jean.
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Just had a parcel from Holland , when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny.
That's nice I thought, 'Two lips from Amsterdam!’
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My dad worked on the roadwork's for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... But when I got home all the signs were there.
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A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick
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My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
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A woman is walking down the street and sees a sign in the pet shop window reading, "PUSSY-LICKING FROG £25" ..
Curious the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the pussy-licking frog, please."
To which the shopkeeper replies, "Bonjour!"
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I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn!"
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Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch he said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Subject: Little Johnny and Mr Corbyn.
Mr Corbyn was visiting a London primary school.
The class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Corbyn if he would like to lead the discussion on the word:
‘Tragedy’.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
‘Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered:
"If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."
"Incorrect," said Corbyn. "That would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand:
"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff,
killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."
‘‘I'm afraid not," explained Corbyn; "That's what we would refer to as a great loss."
The room went silent.
No other children volunteered.
Corbyn searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
"If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls, Mrs Harman and all the other Labour Party members
was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."
’’Fantastic’ exclaimed Corbyn, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
‘‘Well’, said Johnny,
"it has to be a tragedy,
because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss,
and it probably wouldn't be a bloody accident either."
A cab driver picked up a nun. She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring. He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce
a chicken seesa salad
My bet on this years Grand National is " Dusty Carpet'.
never been beaten.
TOBYJUG posted:My bet on this years Grand National is " Dusty Carpet'.
never been beaten.
I resemble that remark.....almost!!!
Murphy says to paddy " why do scuba divers always fall out of the boat backwards"
paddy says
" if they went forwards they still be in the feckin boat "