Best Jokes (continues)

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.  It only means that your survival instinct is stronger than your ego!

A recent poll found that "I am." is considered to be the shortest sentence in the English language. These findings were immediately discredited when the same poll found that "I do." is considered to be the longest sentence.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist orders H2O.

The second scientist orders H2O too. 

The second scientist dies.

SNAIC in the Grass posted:

This thread is plunging to new depths 

Church for sale 

Has full service history

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

"Go to bed, you'll feel better in the morning" is the human version of "Turn it OFF & then back ON again" for fixing your Naim.

If it moves & shouldn't, fix it with Duct Tape

If it doesn't move & should, fix it with WD40

If you can't fix it with a hammer,  its an electrical fault

A golfer is racing around the course when he accidentally overturns his golf cart.

Luckily a very attractive young lady, and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay, thanks," replied the golfer, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

"Good," she said,  "don't worry about the cart. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's very nice of you," he answered, "but I'm married and I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," she insisted, grabbing his hand and leading him to her villa.

She was so very pretty, very sexy and very persuasive ... the golfer couldn't resist. "Well okay," he eagerly agreed, "but remember I'm married and my wife won't like it."

After a couple of glasses of wine, the inevitable happened and they ended up in bed. Eventually he rose to leave. "I feel a lot better now, but I'm married and I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, pulling him back into bed. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Well, I'm not exactly sure'' the golfer says, ''but she's probably still under the cart!"

Talking of golf  ..............     ................. The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor. "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means a futile attempt to do the same thing." 

Happy birthday, Liz  

I'm sure Fred is probably well known in the UK, but he's new to me...and I really love the guy.

I may be an audiophile, but its better than some other kinds of 'philes

"Did you hear the sad news about Bob; he passed away suddenly yesterday"
"That's so sad, what did he have?"
"272 with 250DR & a pair of Ovators"

Mike-B posted:

I may be an audiophile, but its better than some other kinds of 'philes

Europhiles for example!

Best wishes from George

Now now George,  play nicely

I try to ...

Best from George

Aviphile - love of active speakers.

Russophile - love of over priced accessories.

I'm sure there's more

(For those who don't get the joke, aviphile is a love of birds, feathered variety, while Russophile is a love of Russians).

Viagra.

Wont make you James Bond.

Will help make you Roger Moore.