Best Jokes (continues)

More sad new from the music industry.................Kanye West has been found alive and well in his London flat! 

SNAIC in the Grass posted:

One page ago in 'Best Jokes'. Got to keep up man!

SORRY!

Steve,

No need to apologize but the lesson to be learned is that you must read through this entire thread before posting, otherwise the department of redundancy will nab you - they're a division of the apostrophe police and equally strict. 

What all 200 pages? or should that be page's - I like to have the occasional run in with the law!

The easier alternative is to post an original joke (especially one that contains no apostrophes ).

I'm working on one now about a guy that walks into a pub, places a toy piano on the bar, reaches down and pulls out a ten-inch pianist. The bartender says ....

Cannot come up with a punch line.

I know!

...how does it smell?  Horrible!

joerand posted:

The easier alternative is to post an original joke (especially one that contains no apostrophes ).

I'm working on one now about a guy that walks into a pub, places a toy piano on the bar, reaches down and pulls out a ten-inch pianist. The bartender says ....

Cannot come up with a punch line.

 

I know!

...how does it smell?  Horrible!

Is the punch line........if I was going there, I wouldn't start here?

Oh dear,I used an apostrophe! Sorry! 

Oh come on, leave this thread to the two Tony's!

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I'm old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

Husband and wife standing in front of bathroom mirror and wife asks "Do you think I'm fat?", husband replies "Do you think I'm stupid?"

joerand posted:

The easier alternative is to post an original joke (especially one that contains no apostrophes ).

I'm working on one now about a guy that walks into a pub, places a toy piano on the bar, reaches down and pulls out a ten-inch pianist. The bartender says .... 

Can I have a fiddle as well?

G

Steve GTX posted:

Oh dear,I used an apostrophe! Sorry! 

I hate it when women says the wrong name when we're having sex.

My name isn't HELP!!!

Steve GTX posted:

Oh dear,I used an apostrophe! Sorry! 

My girlfriend thinks I'm unfaithful.

That's another thing she's got in common with my wife.

(Two apostrophes).

joerand posted:

The easier alternative is to post an original joke (especially one that contains no apostrophes ).

I'm working on one now about a guy that walks into a pub, places a toy piano on the bar, reaches down and pulls out a ten-inch pianist. The bartender says ....

Cannot come up with a punch line.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Where'd you get him?"

The man that had entered the bar said," I found a lamp outside your bar and rubbed it and this genie popped out and gave me this."

The bartender asked the man to watch the bar for him while he stepped out to find the lamp. The bartender found the lamp, rubbed it and sure enough a genie popped out. The genie said he would grant him one wish so the the bartender asked for a million bucks. Suddenly there were a million ducks flying around everywhere. "That's lame, I asked for a million bucks not ducks." The bartender went inside and the man asked him if he found the lamp.

"Yes but when I asked for a million bucks there were a million ducks flying around instead. How'd you get what you want?"

The man at the bar asked, "Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"

I'm working on one now about a guy that walks into a pub, places a toy piano on the bar, reaches down and pulls out a ten-inch pianist. The bartender says ....

Sorry, we don't serve porn stars here.

What do you call the last spasms of dying horse?

Oscillation.

ATB from George

youtube is branching out. For the gourmets, they are launching stewtube, and various other channels are being planed, but the one about lavatories - called lootube - was vetoed as the management thought that that idea stunk.

ATB from George

Bono and The Edge walk into a pub.

Barman says " oh no not U2 again "

TOBYJUG posted:

Bono and The Edge walk into a pub.

Barman says " oh no not U2 again "

...and the version with 'yew-tree'...again.

G

joerand posted:

I'm working on one now about a guy that walks into a pub, places a toy piano on the bar, reaches down and pulls out a ten-inch pianist. The bartender says ....

A man walks into a pub, orders two ales, places a toy piano on the bar, then reaches down and pulls out a ten-inch pianist. The bar tender, a grizzled veteran of all things seamy, undauntedly asks "And would the Maestro prefer a straw or a catheter in his pint?"

Not sure if you people would have seen this awesome review of One Direction touring Australia @ Hisense Arena few years back.

For those unaware, One Direction are a teenage British boy band who are just the right combination of good looks and shitty pop music to seduce the hearts of young girls worldwide, and just young enough for Kony to kidnap. They released an album called Up All Night (which has dominated charts worldwide) and got away with it because of their young, clean image. It was considered “cute” and “playfully naughty”. Yet if Dr Dre put out an album with the exact same title it would be considered “extremely vulgar” and “too heavy on references to hardcore everlasting sex”. One Direction are in their late teens. Just sayin’.

I must admit that I was not in a grand mood before One Direction. Firstly, in some form of sick joke, I was asked to review this band, and then I was told I couldn’t get a +1. I was alone. At One Direction. And I paid $10 for parking. And then I was seated between two groups of horrifyingly loud 14-year-old girls. It was awesome depressing and a low point in my career. But then things got better, and I was transformed into a good mood because these girls were hot! I was interested in seeing why such a colossal chaos was made of this boy band.

One Direction, with less collective hairs beneath their underwear than hairs on my face, came out to the sound of a screaming pre-pubescent frenzy. I knew I was in for a musical orgasm after Niall (is that even a real name) started strumming his cool air guitar in time with the drum beat. As both instruments do in fact make a form of noise, I will refrain from further criticism.

Not long after, they performed their most puzzling hit, What Makes You Beautiful, a gem which contains the bizarre lyric: “You don't know you're beautiful/Oh oh/That’s what makes you beautiful”. I can’t understand how this lyric has gone under the radar. It roughly translates to “You have no sense of self-worth/Oh oh/That’s why I like you”. One Direction are obviously sickeningly attracted to girls with low self-esteem. Other lyrics from that song include the repetitive chanting of “Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana” – quite reminiscent of the schoolyard tease chant of “Nana Nana Na”.

By far the highlight of the evening was a break in the performance where the band read the tweets from audience members which featured various questions. My favourite tweet was “Who can jump the highest?” The members of the band then all attempted to find out who was the most talented jumper. They each took turns, one by one, jumping on stage and then high fiving each other. It was a moment that will go down in rock history; a moment where I can say, “I was there”.  I hate my f*cking shitty job.

LOVED: When Louis jumped really high.

HATED: The expensive price of chips.

DRANK: Didn’t serve alcohol but I had chips. They were good but not cheap!

GraemeH posted:

TOBYJUG posted:

Bono and The Edge walk into a pub.

Barman says " oh no not U2 again "

...and the version with 'yew-tree'...again.

G

Isn't that a Police joke?