Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 15 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
I suffered a severe beating when I told a Jewish baker to bog off back to Israel with his bagels. I should have known he was going to be an expert at Jew dough.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 17 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
My lesbian neighbours bought me a rolex, it's really nice but they obviously misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 17 November 2010 by fatcat
A couple having sex. The man stops mid thrust and holds body rigid.
Woman complains, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Man replies “A technique I learned on the internet, it’s called buffering”
Woman complains, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Man replies “A technique I learned on the internet, it’s called buffering”
Posted on: 17 November 2010 by Blueknowz
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm...
...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.
Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm...
...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
Posted on: 18 November 2010 by tonym
My champion racing snail seems to have stopped performing as he isn't winning any races these days.
I thought that it might be because he's getting older so I decided to remove his shell to bring his weight down a bit and make him a bit more aerodynamic and give him a fighting chance. Sadly it didn't go to plan. In fact, if anything its made him a bit more sluggish.
I thought that it might be because he's getting older so I decided to remove his shell to bring his weight down a bit and make him a bit more aerodynamic and give him a fighting chance. Sadly it didn't go to plan. In fact, if anything its made him a bit more sluggish.
Posted on: 18 November 2010 by Reginald Halliday
Bad news for Kate Middleton. The country already has a People's Princess - Audley Harrison.
What have Audley Harrison and Michael Jackson got in common?
They both wore gloves for no good reason
What have Audley Harrison and Michael Jackson got in common?
They both wore gloves for no good reason
Posted on: 18 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
If there was a competition for sex, I'd enter myself!
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 18 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
You wont hear from me for a while, Being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables, so i need to lilo.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by Consciousmess
Q: What did the slug say to the snail?
A: "Big Issue?"
Jon
A: "Big Issue?"
Jon
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
I once dated a girl with one boob bigger than the other. She entered a wet t-shirt competition and won first and third prize.
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by tonym
Pah! Heard that one before.
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Yeah, sorry Tony. Next time I'll post jokes just before I see you!
Thanks for the lovely afternoon. A superb house, wonderful couple, well behaved dogs. Oh, and glorious music from you nearly dis-owned SL2s..... Thanks.
Tony
Thanks for the lovely afternoon. A superb house, wonderful couple, well behaved dogs. Oh, and glorious music from you nearly dis-owned SL2s..... Thanks.
Tony
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
I've just seen a fast-food restaurant named after Audley Harrison.
Wimpy.
Tony
Wimpy.
Tony
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by tonym
quote:Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Thanks for the lovely afternoon. A superb house, wonderful couple, well behaved dogs.
Tony
So where exactly did you get to? We waited all afternoon...
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
So you haven't noticed the missing 500s?
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by Conortsun
My new Thai bride and I had our first crossed words last night. Enjoying some heavy petting, I moved 'south of the border' and was giving her a B.J. when I thought....hang on a minute....
Posted on: 19 November 2010 by Conortsun
8 year old Jonny is wearing his father's welding goggles, playing in the street, when a strange man in a dirty raincoat walks up to him.
'hello sonny, what are you pretending to be?' asks the man.
'A welder' answers Jonny, proudly.
Opening his raincoat the prevert says, 'Would you like to stroke this?'
'No' says Jonny... 'I'm not a Real welder you know!'
'hello sonny, what are you pretending to be?' asks the man.
'A welder' answers Jonny, proudly.
Opening his raincoat the prevert says, 'Would you like to stroke this?'
'No' says Jonny... 'I'm not a Real welder you know!'
Posted on: 20 November 2010 by Conortsun
I think it's important to make the little things in life count.
I teach maths to midgets.
I teach maths to midgets.
Posted on: 20 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
This addiction to sandpaper is starting to wear me down...
Posted on: 20 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
BREAKING NEWS: Sir Bob Geldof has just confirmed that a fundraising concert for Ireland will be held in Ethiopia at Christmas!
Posted on: 20 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
Took my sick dog to the vets today. The vet looked at me and said " Say ahhhhh". I asked "Are you crazy? There's nothing wrong with me". He replied "I know, but your dog just died".
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 20 November 2010 by markah
quote:Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Took my sick dog to the vets today. The vet looked at me and said " Say ahhhhh". I asked "Are you crazy? There's nothing wrong with me". He replied "I know, but your dog just died".
Tony
Tony, that one just hit the spot - can't stop laughing!
Mark
Posted on: 21 November 2010 by Tony Lockhart
The people of Saudi Arabia do not like Scooby Doo, however the people of Abu Dhabi do!
Tony
Tony
Posted on: 21 November 2010 by tonym
I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know me.
I've already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.
I've already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.
Posted on: 22 November 2010 by Reginald Halliday