Best Jokes (continues)

Pah! Heard that one before.

Yeah, sorry Tony. Next time I'll post jokes just before I see you!
Thanks for the lovely afternoon. A superb house, wonderful couple, well behaved dogs. Oh, and glorious music from you nearly dis-owned SL2s..... Thanks.

Tony

I've just seen a fast-food restaurant named after Audley Harrison.

Wimpy.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Thanks for the lovely afternoon. A superb house, wonderful couple, well behaved dogs.
Tony

So where exactly did you get to? We waited all afternoon...

So you haven't noticed the missing 500s?

My new Thai bride and I had our first crossed words last night. Enjoying some heavy petting, I moved 'south of the border' and was giving her a B.J. when I thought....hang on a minute....

8 year old Jonny is wearing his father's welding goggles, playing in the street, when a strange man in a dirty raincoat walks up to him.

'hello sonny, what are you pretending to be?' asks the man.
'A welder' answers Jonny, proudly.
Opening his raincoat the prevert says, 'Would you like to stroke this?'
'No' says Jonny... 'I'm not a Real welder you know!'

I think it's important to make the little things in life count.

I teach maths to midgets.

This addiction to sandpaper is starting to wear me down...

BREAKING NEWS: Sir Bob Geldof has just confirmed that a fundraising concert for Ireland will be held in Ethiopia at Christmas!

Took my sick dog to the vets today. The vet looked at me and said " Say ahhhhh". I asked "Are you crazy? There's nothing wrong with me". He replied "I know, but your dog just died".

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by Tony Lockhart:
Took my sick dog to the vets today. The vet looked at me and said " Say ahhhhh". I asked "Are you crazy? There's nothing wrong with me". He replied "I know, but your dog just died".

Tony

Tony, that one just hit the spot - can't stop laughing!

Mark

The people of Saudi Arabia do not like Scooby Doo, however the people of Abu Dhabi do!

Tony

I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know me.

I've already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.

Harry Potter and he Homo-Erotic Subtext

http://b3ta.com/links/Harry_Po..._the_X_Rated_Trailer

I drank so much cider at the pub last night, the blow job that the wife gave me must have counted for at least 1 of her 5 a day.

Tony

I was walking down the street this morning when some bloke threw a prawn cocktail at me. "What's that for???" I said, to which he shouted "That's just for starters mate!"


I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head ....Life was tough in the Gateau....

So Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting married on the same day Hitler married Eva Braun.  So thats Harry's suit sorted.....

Tony

Young couple go on honeymoon to Morocco and walk in to a bar.

Local middle-aged man appears for his party-piece by placing an unopened walnut shell on a table and splitting it with his penis. One long strike - job done. Applause everywhere.

40 years later, couple go back to same bar. Very old, frail man walks in and places a walnut shell on the table. Whack - one hit, split in 2. Applause everywhere.

Couple ask bartender how the man does it - bartender replies 'don't know, he's almost blind and we've had a couple of accidents'.

On a recent beach holiday, I saw a chap wearing sandals and I noticed he was missing all ten digits from his feet.

At the time this upset and angered me but the more I thought about it, the angrier I became... to a point where I was raging!

Concerned, the wife insisted that I see a doctor. It turns out I'm lactose intolerant.

oh, hang on . . .

I just got a new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs, the birds absolutely love it.

Tony

Tony - hang on, you've read Mike Brearley's book and the John Snow episode on how to delay a cricket game (when England were struggling - always!)

It seems, JS filled his pockets with breadcrumbs at the tea interval and dispensed these as he took the long walk back to his bowling mark. Pigeons duly descended and halted the game!!

The other day I was talking to a prostitute who has no arms.

I asked if it affected her work and she said she couldn't give a toss.

Before I went into the diving equipment business I was an acountant from between the ages of twenty and thirty. What a waste of time that fouteen years turned out to be.