Best Jokes (continues)

Bad ventriloquist's are to be outlawed.

Those caught will be made to do a tough sentence.

Sky News: 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!
Strange they've all got the same name.

Q. What is the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?

A. You can't wash your face in a Buffalo!

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. 

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

Beauty is in the eye of he beerholder.

"Excusez-moi"

French for "Get the f**k out of my way"

I used to be a raw meat eating addict.

but I'm now cured.

I've often wondered from what 'cured' meats were suffering from before their recovery...

steve

Orange is my favourite colour. I prefer it more than red and yellow combined.

I only believe 12.5% of what the bible says.

I'm an eighth theist.

I crossed the road with a chicken, walked into a bar with a Scotsman and an Irishman and changed a light bulb. Then I realised; my life is a joke.

I believe a lot of conflict in the wild west could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made the town big enough for everybody.

tonym posted:

I believe a lot of conflict in the wild west could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made the town big enough for everybody.

Or not used the Cowboy Builders!  Boom Boom

As my ex-wife drew the gun on me and asked 'Do you think I put in real bullets or blanks?', I thought, well that's a loaded question.

I met a French chef today who said he was feeling suicidal. He'd lost his Huile d'olive.

I've just seen a midget dressed as Hitler.

I thought " now that's a little racist "

If smoking' so bad for you, how come it cures kippers?