Best Jokes (continues)

TOBYJUG posted:

I wouldn't want him that close to me!

TOBYJUG posted:

It reminds me of the 'Till death us do part' movie.  It was during WW2 and Alf had gone down to the privy at the bottom of the garden, they only had torn up newspapers for the purpose of wiping ones bum.  Alf sorted through them until he fond a bit with a picture of Hitler on it and used that piece with great gusto and a smile on his face.

Imagine a World with Trump as president of USA and Boris as Prime Minister of the UK, it doesn't sound good does it?

You're so right Big Bill.  And Putin and Kim Jong Un still in place too.  Maybe a pension is not such a bright idea; we may never draw it

But this is supposed to be a funny thread.  Those jokers aren't

Me: You never told me you were on the debating team at University

The Wife: Yes I did

Me: No you didn't

The Wife: Yes I did!

Me: Oh, you're good!

I was depressed last night so I called The Samaritans & was connected to an overseas call centre. 
I told them I was suicidal & they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Politicians & nappies (diapers) must be changed often & for the same reason

First bus advertisement to be approved in London after the new ban:

My research into Armageddon failed dismally. Still, I don't suppose it's the end of the world.

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because,
over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

 Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
 "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation".

 The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

 "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

 "And what about the third rose?" she asked.

 "That's from a man in the burns unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

A tramp sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused

by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be  damned, '

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had

said, nudged the man and apologised .

'I'm very sorry.  I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Ewemon

Thanks. Your contributions always bring a laugh. 

Cheers

tonym posted:

My research into Armageddon failed dismally. Still, I don't suppose it's the end of the world.

Looking to upgrade the Radikal

T'day I bought myself some sensible walkin' boots, a new ordinance map, a nice hand carved walkin' stick & a rucksack. Then I went up to the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles, stopped, sat on a stone wall, had a flask of coffee, then I walked another 5 miles, had a biscuit & then I...
...oh, sorry, I'm rambling.

Johnny arrived at school in tears carrying his cat the teachers asked what was wrong  Johnny replied its the milkman Miss she said what do you mean its the milkman.

Well the milkman said to mummy this morning you get Johnny off too school and I'll come in and eat your pussy that why I brought my cat too school Miss.

The teacher ask Johnny  "how old is your father?”
“He’s as old as me,” Johnny tells her.
“Now how would that be possible?” inquires the surprised teacher.
“Well – he became my father the day I was born.”

A Police Patrol car driver in Cornwall was driving on a duel carraigeway at about 55mph when he was overtaken by a Nun doing about 80mph being new to the area he rung into to his Sergeant asking for advice.The sergeant replaied pull her over ask her name if it's anybody apart for Sister Teresa book them.

He said what if it Sister Teresa the Sergeant replied just stick your appendage through the window.

He consequently stopped the Nun asked her name she replied Sister Teresa he unzipped his flies and stuck his appendage through the window Sister Teresa said on no not another breathalyser

I've just bought an ABBA toilet.

Wow, what a loo.

My my, how can I resist it?

From Radio 4 earlier:

What did the psychotherapist say to the cartographer?

'You need to draw some boundaries'.

C.

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “It smells absolutely incredible!”

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought - “What the hell, I’ll treat her!”

So, they walked past it again.

There was a young lady Eastender

Who liked to discuss referenda

'Do you want in or out?'

Asked her man with a shout 

As he carefully thumbed her polling card