Best Jokes (continues)

Roy Hodgson has been seen shopping in Iceland. He bought a centre-half and a goalkeeper.

jjbomber posted:

tonym posted:

Q: How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We never said there was a lightbulb!

1 to stand on a chair and change the lightbulb.

0 to hold the ladder.

0 to follow EU Health & Safety guidelines before safe installation.

0 to hold a meeting in Brussels to discuss if the lightbulb is straight enough.

0 to hold a meeting in Strasbourg to check the lightbulb's carbon footprint.

0 to issue a directive on greenhouse emitions of the said lightbulb.

0 to check the safe disposal of the old lightbulb in an appropriate container.

0 to recycle the cardboard packaging at an approved recycling plant.

 

1 to learn how to spell emissions

Salmon Dave posted:

jjbomber posted:

tonym posted:

Q: How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We never said there was a lightbulb!

1 to stand on a chair and change the lightbulb.

0 to hold the ladder.

0 to follow EU Health & Safety guidelines before safe installation.

0 to hold a meeting in Brussels to discuss if the lightbulb is straight enough.

0 to hold a meeting in Strasbourg to check the lightbulb's carbon footprint.

0 to issue a directive on greenhouse emitions of the said lightbulb.

0 to check the safe disposal of the old lightbulb in an appropriate container.

0 to recycle the cardboard packaging at an approved recycling plant.

 

1 to learn how to spell emissions

^^ remain voter

A couple of David Cameron's quips in the House yesterday made me laugh:

"I'd like to welcome the new (Labour) member for Tooting to the House. I suggest she keeps her mobile switched on, because it's likely she'll be in the Shadow Cabinet by evening

And I thought I was having a bad day."

SNAIC in the Grass posted:

Salmon Dave posted:

jjbomber posted:

tonym posted:

Q: How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We never said there was a lightbulb!

1 to stand on a chair and change the lightbulb.

0 to hold the ladder.

0 to follow EU Health & Safety guidelines before safe installation.

0 to hold a meeting in Brussels to discuss if the lightbulb is straight enough.

0 to hold a meeting in Strasbourg to check the lightbulb's carbon footprint.

0 to issue a directive on greenhouse emitions of the said lightbulb.

0 to check the safe disposal of the old lightbulb in an appropriate container.

0 to recycle the cardboard packaging at an approved recycling plant.

 

1 to learn how to spell emissions

^^ remain voter

I wouldn't dream of joining in the chorus that most Leave voters were uneducated, illiterate numpties. 

I was just pointing out a simple error that anyone could have made.

Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his timing that he threw himself behind a train?

steve

Just the laugh I needed before I catch up on the,  Are we sleep walking out Europe thread?

dave marshall posted:

jjbomber posted:

tonym posted:

Q: How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We never said there was a lightbulb!

1 to stand on a chair and change the lightbulb.

0 to hold the ladder.

0 to follow EU Health & Safety guidelines before safe installation.

0 to hold a meeting in Brussels to discuss if the lightbulb is straight enough.

0 to hold a meeting in Strasbourg to check the lightbulb's carbon footprint.

0 to issue a directive on greenhouse emitions of the said lightbulb.

0 to check the safe disposal of the old lightbulb in an appropriate container.

0 to recycle the cardboard packaging at an approved recycling plant.

 

+ 2 ambulance men, 1 Polish doctor, 2 Indian nurses and £2million worth of equipment to deal with the electrocution and the broken back suffered when the idiot fell off the chair he was standing on.  And it probably wasn't even a British chair, or lightbulb for that matter as we don't make anything these days except a bit of hifi and some computer games

Still it won't happen often as we shan't be able to pay the Chinese for our electricity soon.  Nor breathe the air

Back to the 1950s when Britain was great (not)

JSH posted:

+ 2 ambulance men, 1 Polish doctor, 2 Indian nurses and £2million worth of equipment to deal with the electrocution and the broken back suffered when the idiot fell off the chair he was standing on.  And it probably wasn't even a British chair, or lightbulb for that matter as we don't make anything these days except a bit of hifi and some computer games

Still it won't happen often as we shan't be able to pay the Chinese for our electricity soon.  Nor breathe the air

Back to the 1950s when Britain was great (not)

+1 Bad loser.

Anyone in England tried the new Brexit diet?

Watch your pounds melt away in minutes.

jjbomber posted:

JSH posted:

+ 2 ambulance men, 1 Polish doctor, 2 Indian nurses and £2million worth of equipment to deal with the electrocution and the broken back suffered when the idiot fell off the chair he was standing on.  And it probably wasn't even a British chair, or lightbulb for that matter as we don't make anything these days except a bit of hifi and some computer games

Still it won't happen often as we shan't be able to pay the Chinese for our electricity soon.  Nor breathe the air

Back to the 1950s when Britain was great (not)

+1 Bad loser.

Idiot.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I wanted a second opinion. She said okay, you're ugly too.

I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

At last the plan to get UK back on the road to success published by the Brexiteers

http://thebrexitplan.com/

I'd like to thank you for your amusing and intelligent reply.   I'd like to but........

Richard S posted:

I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.

That's a dated joke

Speaking of which I hear the calendar factory is a great place for singles to work. Always easy to find a date any day of the year.

To those from the USA, happy Independence Day...er Amerexit, and remember:

Those who have a fifth on the 4th don't come forth on the 5th.

Well, that's the whole band gone now...

steve

An employee phones his boss and explains he can't come in to work due to a head ache and feeling run down. The boss replies that they really need the employee at work and when he feels that way he goes to his wife, has sex, and finds he then feels vibrant and ready for work. He suggests the employee give it a try. Two hours later the employee phones his boss and says "Your advice was spot on, I feel much better now and will be right in to work. And by the way, you have a very nice house."

Steve

Brilliant gag, made my day.

regards

Richard

jjbomber posted:

JSH posted:

+ 2 ambulance men, 1 Polish doctor, 2 Indian nurses and £2million worth of equipment to deal with the electrocution and the broken back suffered when the idiot fell off the chair he was standing on.  And it probably wasn't even a British chair, or lightbulb for that matter as we don't make anything these days except a bit of hifi and some computer games

Still it won't happen often as we shan't be able to pay the Chinese for our electricity soon.  Nor breathe the air

Back to the 1950s when Britain was great (not)

+1 Bad loser.

Everyone is a loser with this Brexit.