Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
A daughter asks her mother where babies come from. "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The daughter seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I snuck into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" The blushing mother replies "Usually jewelry, sometimes shoes or a purse."
Salmon Dave posted:SNAIC in the Grass posted:Salmon Dave posted:jjbomber posted:tonym posted:Q: How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We never said there was a lightbulb!1 to stand on a chair and change the lightbulb.
0 to hold the ladder.
0 to follow EU Health & Safety guidelines before safe installation.
0 to hold a meeting in Brussels to discuss if the lightbulb is straight enough.
0 to hold a meeting in Strasbourg to check the lightbulb's carbon footprint.
0 to issue a directive on greenhouse emitions of the said lightbulb.
0 to check the safe disposal of the old lightbulb in an appropriate container.
0 to recycle the cardboard packaging at an approved recycling plant.
1 to learn how to spell emissions
^^ remain voter
I wouldn't dream of joining in the chorus that most Leave voters were uneducated, illiterate numpties.
I was just pointing out a simple error that anyone could have made.
Any Brexiter that is!
Three old guys are out for a walk.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” the doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure, we're going to have to amputate your penis.” the man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” the doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.” The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!” “Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. “Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
These last two got me off to a nice start this morning!
Thx
My best friend has just died of heartburn..........I can't believe Gav' is gone!
steve
Paper Plane posted:
steve
May he Rest In Peace.
Sorry, I waited as long as I could to post this one. 
So British in a Monty Python way; it reminds me of the short from The Meaning of Life where the officer receives a minor tiger bite on the leg during the night.
"Woke up this morning...one sock too many."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rObSWkQA7og
Should have known when I posted the above; it would be left hanging there, dangling to shame me. 
All of a sudden no one can find a fookin' joke to put up. *sigh*
SITG,
Your former Queen's Guard 'joke' may have fallen flat on it's face but I'm sure John Madden would appreciate the latter.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.
SNAIC in the Grass posted:
This attempt at humor fell flat on its face.
During a recent speaker demo my dealer handed me the remote, showed me the volume control and said "Okay, I'm going to leave you alone to relax and enjoy the music just like you would at home". He returned fifteen mintues later and seemed aghast to find me stripped to my skivvies, scratching myself, with a foul stench in the air.
Next door puts their dog out every night, it barks all night long. I can't sleep.
Tonight I've kidnapped their dog and put it in my garden.
Payback time!
tonym posted:Next door puts their dog out every night, it barks all night long. I can't sleep.
Tonight I've kidnapped their dog and put it in my garden.
Payback time!
Six foot deep in the garden?
jjbomber posted:tonym posted:Next door puts their dog out every night, it barks all night long. I can't sleep.
Tonight I've kidnapped their dog and put it in my garden.
Payback time!Six foot deep in the garden?
My next door neighbour and his missus had this 'orrible Jack Russell who would just bark all of the time when they let it out in the garden. This at times was all day!. Luckily they got divorced and she moved out with 'The Dog From Hell' and he kept the cat. Worked out well for him too as his latest GF is a leggy blond who always seems to wear short-shorts and skimpy tops. Funny old thing life!
A guy walked into the doctor's office. A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man said, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."
I came home early from work only to find my best mate in bed with my wife.
Overcome by anger, I grabbed a knife and stabbed him to death.
My wife shook her head, looked at me and said, " Keep that up and, pretty soon, you'll have no mates left."
Many experts agree that when drinking alcohol it is the " third" drink that provides the most pleasure.
After many years working very hard at it, I can now maintain that "third" drink euphoria throughout the day and all night.
