Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 23 August 2016 by TOBYJUG
Posted on: 23 August 2016 by jjbomber
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
"My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
"Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
"I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
"Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
"I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
"Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
"I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
"Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
"Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
"Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
"I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
"Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
"I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
"Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol
Posted on: 25 August 2016 by tonym
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a railway worker?
Ask them both to pronounce "unionised".
Posted on: 25 August 2016 by John Willmott
Tony: Does one need to be a chemist or a railway worker to understand that joke ? I'm neither, and I'm afraid I'm struggling a tad .. I even tried it with a Welsh accent ... nothing .. ??
Posted on: 25 August 2016 by Steve GTX
Oh dear John, you should have paid more attention at school......
un ionised or union ised 
Posted on: 25 August 2016 by Steve GTX
My Hippo/Zippo joke was funnier!
Posted on: 25 August 2016 by John Willmott
Steve GTX posted:
Oh dear John, you should have paid more attention at school......
un ionised or union ised
Hangs head with shame .. looks at audience and sighs.
Posted on: 25 August 2016 by joerand
Steve GTX posted:
Oh dear John, you should have paid more attention at school......
un ionised or union ised
Either way, likely to be a charged topic.
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by tonym
Steve GTX posted:
My Hippo/Zippo joke was funnier!
When you have to explain 'em...
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by Steve GTX
Really Tony?
The common hippopotamus, or hippo, is a very large, mostly herbivorous mammal that lives in sub-Saharan Africa.
It is Big and Heavy
A Zippo is a pocket sized, reusable metal cigarette lighter manufactured by American Zippo Manufacturing Company of Bradford, Pennsylvania.
A Little Lighter.
The joke is a humorous use of a word with more than one meaning.
I expected better from you 
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by tonym
I think you missed my meaning there Steve...
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by Steve GTX
No, I don't think so Tony
I was simply exploiting your previous comment for comic effect!
Clearly doesn't work ...... "When you have to explain 'em..."
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by Steve GTX
I've just seen a painted metal plate fixed to a post with the word BAD written on it and I thought to myself.....that's not a good sign!
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by Steve GTX
Bb.............that's a sad note!
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by TOBYJUG
Steve GTX posted:
I've just seen a painted metal plate fixed to a post with the word BAD written on it and I thought to myself.....that's not a good sign!
I've just seen a sign that had the word BNAG written on it and I thought to myself..... that's bang out of order !
I've also thought that EXIT signs are on the way out !
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by Steve GTX
Trust you to go one better- well done Tobyjug
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by tonym
A friend told me "It could be worse, you could be stuck down a hole full of water". I know he means well...
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by TOBYJUG
Posted on: 26 August 2016 by TOBYJUG
TOBYJUG posted:
And if any one did not get this..... Two topless strippers.
Posted on: 29 August 2016 by TOBYJUG
My grandad died from drinking a bottle of varnish.
it was a slow and painful death but he had a nice finish.
Posted on: 29 August 2016 by Pcd
My grandad died from asbestosis took nearly a week to cremate him.
Posted on: 31 August 2016 by TOBYJUG
I once rubbed a load of lard onto my grandmothers back.
she went downhill fast after that.
Posted on: 31 August 2016 by kimi
A young man named John received a parrot as a
gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean
up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed
the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly
opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s
outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's
attitude. The bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did??...
Posted on: 01 September 2016 by SNAIC in the Grass
Posted on: 06 September 2016 by TOBYJUG
