Best Jokes (continues)

Steve GTX posted:

My Hippo/Zippo joke was funnier!

When you have to explain 'em...

Really Tony?

The common hippopotamus, or hippo, is a very large, mostly herbivorous mammal that lives in sub-Saharan Africa.

It is Big and Heavy 

A Zippo is a pocket sized, reusable metal cigarette lighter manufactured by American Zippo Manufacturing Company of Bradford, Pennsylvania.

 A Little Lighter.

The joke is a humorous use of a word with more than one meaning. 

I expected better from you  

I think you missed my meaning there Steve...

No, I don't think so Tony

I was simply exploiting your previous comment for comic effect!

Clearly doesn't  work ......  "When you have to explain 'em..."

I've just seen a painted metal plate fixed to a post with the word BAD written on it and I thought to myself.....that's not a good sign!

Bb.............that's a sad note!

Steve GTX posted:

I've just seen a painted metal plate fixed to a post with the word BAD written on it and I thought to myself.....that's not a good sign!

 

 

 

 I've just seen a sign that had the word BNAG written on it and I thought to myself..... that's bang out of order !

I've also thought that EXIT signs are on the way out !

Trust you to go one better- well done Tobyjug

A friend told me "It could be worse, you could be stuck down a hole full of water". I know he means well...

TOBYJUG posted:

And if any one did not get this..... Two topless strippers.

My grandad died from drinking a bottle of varnish.

it was a slow and painful death but he had a nice finish.

I once rubbed a load of lard onto my grandmothers back.

she went downhill fast after that.

A young man named John received a parrot as a
gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean
up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even more rude.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed
the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly
opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s
outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's
attitude. The bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did??...

steve 

Q. What is the difference between a cross country run and Gordon Ramsay?

A. One is a pant in the country.

Post the Telegraph sting, apparently the opinion of many is that Sam Allardyce should be ridiculed and humiliated and be made to realise what a  no-hoper he is through intense press and public scrutiny, with savage questioning over his life choices and decision making.

Should have kept him in the England job then.