Best Jokes (continues)

Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples and orders thirteen glasses of water.

Todays stolen joke:-

A few people have been asking whether I'm likely to do my impression of a negative tortoise.

I'm going to stick my neck out and say no.

All too true

Bit of an incident this morning - some strange person threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily I ducked and my injuries were only Super Fish Oil.

If this doesn't bring a tear to your eye your dead. Armageddon Gerbil.

ewemon posted:

If this doesn't bring a tear to your eye your dead. Armageddon Gerbil.

Laughed out loud 

Frank F posted:

TOBYJUG posted:

Trump's new campaign bus??

Proudly displaying his approach to women...

G

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday. I know it's not the greatest gift, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Were you forced to walk 500 miles?

Were you persuaded to walk 500 more?

Then YOU could be entitled to compensation - but get professional advice: call the Pro Claimers now!

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."
"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time".

Top Tip.

Having withdrawal symptoms because of the recent lack of Marmite?

simply stick your finger up your bum and sniff it.

Little bugs have littler bugs upon their backs to bite 'em.

And littler bugs have still littler bugs, and so ad infinitum.

tonym posted:

I suspect many of us would empathise. I know I do 

My neighbour was away for the week. On the third day my dog came to the back door with the neighbours rabbit in his mouth. In a state of horror I removed the limp, bloodied, mass of fur from the dogs mouth, and gathered my thoughts. I washed and dried the poor thing and placed him back in his hutch. Hoping the neighbour would think he'd died a natural death. Upon the neighbours return I heard from across the fence screams of horror and went outside to investigate. "What's wrong Geoff?" I enquired. "Before we went away poor Miffy died and I buried him in the garden, some sick bastard has dug him up washed him and put him back in his hutch!"

If your wife or girlfriend ever says "If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new", well apparently "Anything" doesn't mean being stuck in traffic.

My friend has become obsessive compulsive about his vinyl collection, and now owns every single Beatles record except for one...

I think he needs Help.