Best Jokes (continues)

I drank so much cider at the pub last night, the blow job that the wife gave me must have counted for at least 1 of her 5 a day.

Tony

I was walking down the street this morning when some bloke threw a prawn cocktail at me. "What's that for???" I said, to which he shouted "That's just for starters mate!"


I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head ....Life was tough in the Gateau....

So Prince William and Kate Middleton are getting married on the same day Hitler married Eva Braun.  So thats Harry's suit sorted.....

Tony

Young couple go on honeymoon to Morocco and walk in to a bar.

Local middle-aged man appears for his party-piece by placing an unopened walnut shell on a table and splitting it with his penis. One long strike - job done. Applause everywhere.

40 years later, couple go back to same bar. Very old, frail man walks in and places a walnut shell on the table. Whack - one hit, split in 2. Applause everywhere.

Couple ask bartender how the man does it - bartender replies 'don't know, he's almost blind and we've had a couple of accidents'.

On a recent beach holiday, I saw a chap wearing sandals and I noticed he was missing all ten digits from his feet.

At the time this upset and angered me but the more I thought about it, the angrier I became... to a point where I was raging!

Concerned, the wife insisted that I see a doctor. It turns out I'm lactose intolerant.

oh, hang on . . .

I just got a new aftershave that smells of breadcrumbs, the birds absolutely love it.

Tony

Tony - hang on, you've read Mike Brearley's book and the John Snow episode on how to delay a cricket game (when England were struggling - always!)

It seems, JS filled his pockets with breadcrumbs at the tea interval and dispensed these as he took the long walk back to his bowling mark. Pigeons duly descended and halted the game!!

The other day I was talking to a prostitute who has no arms.

I asked if it affected her work and she said she couldn't give a toss.

Before I went into the diving equipment business I was an acountant from between the ages of twenty and thirty. What a waste of time that fouteen years turned out to be.

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists.........
They did unspeakable things to me

I hate being schizophrenic.

It's awesome.

Tony

I'm a schizophenic, but it beats being alone.

Mick is driving down the road when he see`s Paddy at the bus stop, so he pulls over and asks Paddy if he wants a lift.No says Paddy or i`ll miss me bus.

Just going to get my coat

Paddy & Murphy swap sandwiches at work.
Paddy spits his out & says
"What the fucks on that?"
Murphy answers, "crab paste."
Paddy says, "where did you get that?"
Murphy replies, "I saw it when I was in the chemist."

Tony

This place is still inspirational at its best!

The last post made me smile, if not actually vocalise a laugh ...

Never leave an atom alone. You have to keep your ion it.

Tony

I have just been diagnosed with Insomnia. Wahooo Hooo, 3 more sleeps till Christmas!

Tony

Two schizophrenics are are standing at a bus stop when they realize they have missed the last bus. One turns to the other and says "lets phone for a taxi and share the cost between the four of us".

The US have invented a secret weapon that can strike anywhere in the world within the hour. Codename: French Workforce.

A 13 year old Norfolk girl writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle..........
"Dear Jeremy, I'm the only girl in my class that isn't pregnant. I'd like to appear on your show to find out if its me or my brother who is infertile"

I've just read in my local paper about a toddler who fell down the stairs and has gone into a coma. On the brightside though, only one more sleep until Christmas...

Tony

A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and shouts "Everyone has 1 minute to get out". A tortoise at the back shouts "You're a twat!"

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No, we don't have any bread, and if you ask me again I'll nail your f****** beak to the bar you irritating little bastard"
"Got any nails?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"