Best Jokes (continues)

Just been gang raped by a group of mime artists.........
They did unspeakable things to me

I hate being schizophrenic.

It's awesome.

Tony

I'm a schizophenic, but it beats being alone.

Mick is driving down the road when he see`s Paddy at the bus stop, so he pulls over and asks Paddy if he wants a lift.No says Paddy or i`ll miss me bus.

Just going to get my coat

Paddy & Murphy swap sandwiches at work.
Paddy spits his out & says
"What the fucks on that?"
Murphy answers, "crab paste."
Paddy says, "where did you get that?"
Murphy replies, "I saw it when I was in the chemist."

Tony

This place is still inspirational at its best!

The last post made me smile, if not actually vocalise a laugh ...

Never leave an atom alone. You have to keep your ion it.

Tony

I have just been diagnosed with Insomnia. Wahooo Hooo, 3 more sleeps till Christmas!

Tony

Two schizophrenics are are standing at a bus stop when they realize they have missed the last bus. One turns to the other and says "lets phone for a taxi and share the cost between the four of us".

The US have invented a secret weapon that can strike anywhere in the world within the hour. Codename: French Workforce.

A 13 year old Norfolk girl writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle..........
"Dear Jeremy, I'm the only girl in my class that isn't pregnant. I'd like to appear on your show to find out if its me or my brother who is infertile"

I've just read in my local paper about a toddler who fell down the stairs and has gone into a coma. On the brightside though, only one more sleep until Christmas...

Tony

A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and shouts "Everyone has 1 minute to get out". A tortoise at the back shouts "You're a twat!"

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No, we don't have any bread, and if you ask me again I'll nail your f****** beak to the bar you irritating little bastard"
"Got any nails?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"

Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard"
He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now f**k off'!

There can be some advantages to employing dyslexic staff, as I found out the other day when I sent an email to my secretary telling her to sack my cook.

My wife told me I need to be more affectionate - so I got myself a girlfriend.

With the onset of bad weather in the UK, my local authority is concerned it may see an increase in children suffering injuries whilst at play, as a result of accidentally sliding out into oncoming traffic.

To deter them from straying onto the icy streets they've commissioned a new vehicle - it's called a 'Gary Gritter'

I think I might have an abnormal penis. The one on the left is miles bigger than the other three.

Tony

A young family are driving along behind a garbage truck when suddenly a 12" dildo falls off it and thuds onto their windscreen.

Embarassed, and to spare her six year old son's innocence, the mother turns and says; "Don't worry, that was just an insect".

"An insect?" he replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that"....

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying b@stard! You've been playing golf!'

Hedgehogs... why don't they just share the hedge?

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
There can be some advantages to employing dyslexic staff, as I found out the other day when I sent an email to my secretary telling her to sack my cook.

That made me laugh out loud!

steve

A bit of a Scottish joke this one.......

Q: How do you get a trumpet bird out of your garden ?

A: Rootitoot!