Best Jokes (continues)

What's the most popular Christmas food?

Baby cheeses.

(You have to say it)

What's the best cheese with which to bait bears?

Comeonbear

(You have to say it)

Did you hear about the man who painted his wife?

He double Gloucester

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded?

There was de Brie everywhere!

Fcuk me Marco, those are good. I'm going to steal 'em.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam.

Ok that's enough I know.

Sorry, just  three more. It's not an obsession. Honestly.

What did the cheese say to the mirror?

Halou mi

Somebody threw some cheddar at me while I was walking to work this morning.

it wasn't very mature.

I have a cheddar addiction.

But it's ok. It's only mild.

Me thinks Marco has been pulling his Xmas crackers early. Funny though.  

They were cheese crackers!

TOBYJUG posted:

You're no fun anymore...

steve

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.

Paper Plane posted:

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EC legislation prohibits ......

Those jokes aren't funny anymore.

All this talk of the Russians hacking into online accounts is a complete load of совершенно нелепо невероятно мусор, без правды в этом вообще . . .

BigH47 posted:

All this talk of the Russians hacking into online accounts is a complete load of совершенно нелепо невероятно мусор, без правды в этом вообще . . .

Absolutely, don't believe a word comrade

Last night, for security purposes, I changed my password on a Russian website to "HackThisIfYouCan".

This morning, I logged on to find my password now shows as "CzechMate".

The 500s seem to be drawing a tadge more current recently.

Oh dear, where did you got that picture from??

tonym posted:

The 500s seem to be drawing a tadge more current recently.

Impressive!

Phil

tonym posted:

The 500s seem to be drawing a tadge more current recently.

Star earthing has its downsides.

G

Review I've just seen on Amazon website:

Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires and oil companies.

tonym posted:

Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires and oil companies.

Would be funny if this really were a joke, but it isn't is it?

Nick from Suffolk posted:

tonym posted:

Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires and oil companies.

Would be funny if this really were a joke, but it isn't is it?

Of course it is, Nick.

It's only 96% of the world's scientists......................