Best Jokes (continues)

tonym posted:

Plot idea: 97% of the world's scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires and oil companies.

In the sequel, 41,000 scientists deny an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of tax raising politicians.

He must be mortified

I nearly died laughing reading that...

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

tonym posted:

Devastated.
A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.

 

Sounds a stiff sentence

Richard S posted:

Every Christmas I'd come running downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them as fast as I could. Sometimes there would be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later and sit down to have a three hour lunch before watching TV for the rest of the day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office.

Just sent this on to a mate who works at Royal Mail.  Hope it arrives before Christmas

Before any Christmas party, learn the difference between mistle and camel.  

Tony Lockhart posted:

Before any Christmas party, learn the difference between mistle and camel.  

Toe, Ho, Ho.

A nervous, dyslexic, first-time robber runs into a bank waving a pistol and reading from a note yells: 

"Air in the hands mother stickers this is a f*ck up!"

steve

I've fallen in love with my clumsy cleaner.

she swept me off my feet.

Paper Plane posted:

 

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

OK, except for #12.

thanks,

america

Last week I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

I laughed more than I thought.

Last week I went to a dry comedy and cross-country cycling convention.

Lots of dead pannier jokes.

I was winning an argument with a member of the Flat Earth Society.

I think I might have just pushed him over the edge.

The difference between a cat and a comma?   One has claws at the end of it's paws and the other has pause at the end of it's clause.

Its paws and clause, surely? You've got to get spelling and grammar jokes right...

No, I think this is an onomatopaeic joke - the spelling's fine, it just needs to be read out loud for full effect!

It may be onomatopoeic but the spelling is still wrong. 

You need to get out more Nigel  ...    ...  happy new year,  & hope its a ton & a half better than its been for you in 2016.   

Yes correct, however, the penultimate and a previous word should have been "its".