Best Jokes (continues)

Nick from Suffolk posted:

Yes correct, however, the penultimate and a previous word should have been "its".

Spot on, I just didn't see any need to be pedantic!

Mike-B posted:

You need to get out more Nigel  ...    ...  happy new year,  & hope its a ton & a half better than its been for you in 2016.   

Cheers Mike, and the same to you. My friend James has a terrible grammar joke:

Why can't you run on a campsite?

You can only ran, because it's past tents. 

...And yes, I did notice the its - nicely done. 

Hungryhalibut posted:

Its paws and clause, surely? You've got to get spelling and grammar jokes right...

I can't see anything wrong with the spelling in Mike's post (and the grammar of it's v its has already been pointed out)

The spllng is fine - I was simply pointing out that it should be 'its paws' and 'its clause' rather than the spelling of the paws and clause themselves. It that makes sense. Mike saw the funny side anyway, which is the main thing. 

Let's get back to the jokes, guys. Grammar & spelling lessons can be pursued elsewhere.

What do you catch from kissing a budgie? Chirpies. 

That's more like it. One from the Xmas crackers, I think. 

One of the Pope's people goes in to see the Pope.  We have twenty cases of herpes in the Vatican, he says. Ah, says the Pope, that makes a change from the usual Frascati. 

Sad news. Today we lost the inventor of the protractor. He's with the angles now.

The geometry teacher wasn't at school today because he sprained his angle.     

I was asked why I divided sin by tan.  I answered 'cos.

I don’t wish to sound obtuse, but these jokes are acutely embarrassing.

A geometer went to the beach to sunbath & became a TanGent. 

You rarely find mathematicians at the beach because they use sine & cosine to get a tan

Mike-B posted:

The geometry teacher wasn't at school today because he sprained his angle.     

Our's slipped on the icy pavement and landed on his straight edge.

George W went to Algiers & apologised for addressing the meeting in English saying he didn't speak algebra,  

Our maths teacher claims his calculator is faulty. Something doesn't add up.

They don't serve drinks at maths parties because you can't drink and derive...

My ideal woman is like the square root of minus 100.

A perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

As we are on math jokes & its the naim forum   ...............

A mathematician, an engineer & a Naim software guy were on a long car journey.   In the middle of nowhere the car spluttered to a halt.  The engineer said l can check it out to see whats wrong, but I don't have any tools.  The mathematician said we passed a garage 1.3 miles back,  one of us can walk back & get help.   The Naim guy said if we all get out, close & lock the doors,  then get back in again,  in the right sequence, then see if that fixes it.

Mike-B posted:

As we are on math jokes & its the naim forum   ...............

A mathematician, an engineer & a Naim software guy were on a long car journey.   In the middle of nowhere the car spluttered to a halt.  The engineer said l can check it out to see whats wrong, but I don't have any tools.  The mathematician said we passed a garage 1.3 miles back,  one of us can walk back & get help.   The Naim guy said if we all get out, close & lock the doors,  then get back in again,  in the right sequence, then see if that fixes it.

Then there was the constipated mathematician. He worked it out with a pencil.

Mike-B posted:

As we are on math jokes & its the naim forum   ...............

A mathematician, an engineer & a Naim software guy were on a long car journey.   In the middle of nowhere the car spluttered to a halt.  The engineer said l can check it out to see whats wrong, but I don't have any tools.  The mathematician said we passed a garage 1.3 miles back,  one of us can walk back & get help.   The Naim guy said if we all get out, close & lock the doors,  then get back in again,  in the right sequence, then see if that fixes it.

The Naim guy announced a new firmware revision soon that fix the problem, people then trusted him.

Several months later 3 person are found dead in a car out of service for an apparently minor issue, apparently very close to a garage, just beside the Linn dealer of the area.

bicela posted:

The Naim guy announced a new firmware revision soon that fix the problem, people then trusted him.

Several months later 3 person are found dead in a car out of service for an apparently minor issue, apparently very close to a garage, just beside the Linn dealer of the area.

Why didn't they pull the key out, wait 10 seconds, and then put the key back in and turn it on? 

Mike-B posted:

As we are on math jokes & its the naim forum   ...............

A mathematician, an engineer & a Naim software guy were on a long car journey.   In the middle of nowhere the car spluttered to a halt.  The engineer said l can check it out to see whats wrong, but I don't have any tools.  The mathematician said we passed a garage 1.3 miles back,  one of us can walk back & get help.   The Naim guy said if we all get out, close & lock the doors,  then get back in again,  in the right sequence, then see if that fixes it.

....the naim guy, being a so-called computer expert, suggested they replace the luggage compartment lid.................re-boot it.

or just kick the tyres again........re-boot it.

Don Atkinson posted:

....the naim guy, being a so-called computer expert, suggested they replace the luggage compartment lid.................re-boot it.     or just kick the tyres again........re-boot it.

  ......  I will add that one as a variant to my jokes collection if I may be so permitted Don.  Problem is our colonial friends in the Americas will be scratching their heads;   re-trucking doesn't work on my computer & retiring is what I did a few years ago.