Best Jokes (continues)

No. Bodyguard must wait to be sure, then whisper in his ear, 'You're fired'.

The little old man joke reminds me of a very old joke told by navy guys about the marines:

Bill Clinton comes back from a state visit on Air Force One. He walks down the red-carpeted stairway carrying two small pigs. The marine at the bottom of the stairs discreetly mumbles, "Nice pigs, sir!" 

Clinton says, "These are Vietnamese potbellied pigs. Aren't they cute? I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

The marine mumbles, "Nice trade, sir!"

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

In Egypt a golden wrapped mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has just been discovered.
Archaeologists believe it may well be Pharaoh Roche...

There is a fine line between Numerator and Denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

And talking of teacher & 'Little Johnny' jokes .................  Ms. Smith saw one of her students making faces at others on the playground & stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces I would get stuck like that."      Little Johnny replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."

I'm not that dumb but I can't get on with all this texting acronym stuff;   I had one the other day that I did not have a clue about so I asked my very twittersphere wise daughter.  "What does IDK, LY & TTYL  mean?"   She texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."  So there !!  I'm not that dumb,  its beyond her as well.   I replied "OK, don't worry about it. I'll ask your brother, love you too."

I was driving on the motorway yesterday & my wife called me on the cell phone (hands free I must point out)  & told me to be careful as she just heard a radio report that there's someone driving on the wrong carriageway.   I told her I know,  but its not just one, there's hundreds!

I had a knock at the door the other day with someone collecting donations for a community swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

Mike-B posted:

I had a knock at the door the other day with someone collecting donations for a community swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

Better than a drop of chlorine diluted in a cup of warm urine.

Mum and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mum said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

& talking of dogs  ..............  I saw a sign on a shop this morning that said “Guide Dogs Only”.     I wondered who the sign is directed at,  do guide dogs read?

Mike-B posted:

& talking of dogs  ..............  I saw a sign on a shop this morning that said “Guide Dogs Only”.     I wondered who the sign is directed at,  do guide dogs read?

...and what does the shop sell that would only be of interest to guide dogs I wonder?

MDS posted:

...and what does the shop sell that would only be of interest to guide dogs I wonder?

Mike-B posted:

MDS posted:

...and what does the shop sell that would only be of interest to guide dogs I wonder?

Mine's got me very well trained, I think. 

Many people think dogs are smarter than cats, but this is a common fallacy.  Dogs cannot produce a single image of the inner workings of the body, but cats can.

SNAIC in the Grass posted:

Many people think dogs are smarter than cats, but this is a common fallacy.  Dogs cannot produce a single image of the inner workings of the body, but cats can.

Though a certain breed of dog can do a Lab report!

TOBYJUG posted:

A lot more interesting than the other one...

steve

Sorry; am I the only one who doesn't get this? Just don't understand it.  Man (Jesus?) with reptile(?)

I think it's supposed to be Noah holding a (baby) dinosaur. Presumably a gentle poke at the creationists.