Best Jokes (continues)

I'm not that dumb but I can't get on with all this texting acronym stuff;   I had one the other day that I did not have a clue about so I asked my very twittersphere wise daughter.  "What does IDK, LY & TTYL  mean?"   She texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."  So there !!  I'm not that dumb,  its beyond her as well.   I replied "OK, don't worry about it. I'll ask your brother, love you too."

I was driving on the motorway yesterday & my wife called me on the cell phone (hands free I must point out)  & told me to be careful as she just heard a radio report that there's someone driving on the wrong carriageway.   I told her I know,  but its not just one, there's hundreds!

I had a knock at the door the other day with someone collecting donations for a community swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

Mike-B posted:

I had a knock at the door the other day with someone collecting donations for a community swimming pool.  I gave him a glass of water.

Better than a drop of chlorine diluted in a cup of warm urine.

Mum and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mum said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

& talking of dogs  ..............  I saw a sign on a shop this morning that said “Guide Dogs Only”.     I wondered who the sign is directed at,  do guide dogs read?

Mike-B posted:

& talking of dogs  ..............  I saw a sign on a shop this morning that said “Guide Dogs Only”.     I wondered who the sign is directed at,  do guide dogs read?

...and what does the shop sell that would only be of interest to guide dogs I wonder?

MDS posted:

...and what does the shop sell that would only be of interest to guide dogs I wonder?

Mike-B posted:

MDS posted:

...and what does the shop sell that would only be of interest to guide dogs I wonder?

Mine's got me very well trained, I think. 

Many people think dogs are smarter than cats, but this is a common fallacy.  Dogs cannot produce a single image of the inner workings of the body, but cats can.

SNAIC in the Grass posted:

Many people think dogs are smarter than cats, but this is a common fallacy.  Dogs cannot produce a single image of the inner workings of the body, but cats can.

Though a certain breed of dog can do a Lab report!

TOBYJUG posted:

A lot more interesting than the other one...

steve

Sorry; am I the only one who doesn't get this? Just don't understand it.  Man (Jesus?) with reptile(?)

I think it's supposed to be Noah holding a (baby) dinosaur. Presumably a gentle poke at the creationists.

I'm not sure of the 'joke' intended by Tobyjug,  but the picture depicts JC with a dinosaur & is part of a report by a panel of scientists & paleontologists who discovered new groundbreaking evidence that Jesus and his disciples walked with dinosaurs 2000 years ago & the earth and universe is only 10,000 years old.  This research is funded by the Christian Neocon Church of Kentucky. 

US of A never fails to amaze with its kooky religious stuff,  it needs to be seen in real life to believe that some people actually buy into this stuff,  then you might (might, maybe, possibly) understand why Trump.  

...........  & talking of dinosaurs & religion ............  If god didn't want us to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.  Thats why a tyrannosaurus rex is always so angry.  

Ahh.  Thanks SJ and Mike.  Now I understand the post, though I'm still flummoxed as to why anyone could even think of voting for Trump unless it paid you to do so 

Like Mike's dinosaur joke. Will use that if I may

JSH posted:

Like Mike's dinosaur joke. Will use that if I may

..............   of course JSH,  the joke that is,  I hope nothing to do with arm length application.

My friend can only sleep on stacks of old magazines.

He's got lots of back issues.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Stevee_S posted:

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Why  did he rub you up the wrong way ??

Pcd posted:

Stevee_S posted:

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Why  did he rub you up the wrong way ??

Au contraire!