Best Jokes (continues)

"URGENT! This may be of interest to you or someone you know. A friend of mine has 2 tickets in the corporate box to Everton v Sunderland on the 25th Feb. He paid £300 each, but he didnt realise when he bought them that it was going to be on the same afternoon as his wedding. He is looking for someone to take his place If anyone is interested, its at the Wigan registry office at 3pm. The brides name is Nicole .she's 5'4, size 8, great legs and is a really good cook . She'll be the one in the white dress!!"

I just can't believe this Stevee.  I mean...no-one woud actually pay to watch Sunderland would they?

JSH posted:

I just can't believe this Stevee.  I mean...no-one woud actually pay to watch Sunderland would they?

Lots of Southampton fans did last Saturday, and thought it was very good value for money......

Very fair point    (or 3 in Southmpton's case)

I entered a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition last week.

I came second.

Close.

But no cigar...

Why can't dogs dance?

Because they have two left feet...

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.

luckily my injuries were only super fish oil...

If you're in a German bondage dungeon and you know it, clamp your Hans.

An optimist, pessimist, and engineer are drinking together at the pub. The optimist drinks half his pint, holds it up and says "My glass is half full". The pessimist says "Bah, clearly your glass is half empty". The engineer states "That glass is entirely full. Half with ale and half with air, though I'd have to measure the liquid contents to be entirely certain on the true ratio"

An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mr No, who is not an ant. The bartender says,  "I'm sorry. we only serve ants here."

The ant says, "But this is my good friend Mr No."

The bartender says, "Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."

A beautiful garden is the perfect example of God and Man working together in harmony. Mind you, you should have seen the state of my garden when God was doing it by himself.

When I was young I suffered a temporary blindness which doctors thought was related to the fact I would watch Mary Poppins five times a day, back to back.

Turns out I had Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddle-eye.

...........  and talking about Mary Poppins ..........

I good mate of mine always daydreams about being killed by a steam train. So I made his dreams come true.

he was chuffed to bits..

..............  taking of Chinese  ...............  Do Chinese tourists realise when they buy souvenirs in Europe they are buying things made in their own country?

What do you call a billionaire Chinaman  -  Cha Ching 

What does Morrissey like on his toast ?

I don't know, but Johnny Marr might.

A Smiths joke. Marvellous!!

Surely, Marr-velous!!

C.

This charming jam !

Unleavened makes me miserable now

There is a Vegemite that never goes out !

Rusholme Muffians?

That joke isn't funny anymore...no it is really !