Best Jokes (continues)

Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now"
She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard"
He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now f**k off'!

There can be some advantages to employing dyslexic staff, as I found out the other day when I sent an email to my secretary telling her to sack my cook.

My wife told me I need to be more affectionate - so I got myself a girlfriend.

With the onset of bad weather in the UK, my local authority is concerned it may see an increase in children suffering injuries whilst at play, as a result of accidentally sliding out into oncoming traffic.

To deter them from straying onto the icy streets they've commissioned a new vehicle - it's called a 'Gary Gritter'

I think I might have an abnormal penis. The one on the left is miles bigger than the other three.

Tony

A young family are driving along behind a garbage truck when suddenly a 12" dildo falls off it and thuds onto their windscreen.

Embarassed, and to spare her six year old son's innocence, the mother turns and says; "Don't worry, that was just an insect".

"An insect?" he replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that"....

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying b@stard! You've been playing golf!'

Hedgehogs... why don't they just share the hedge?

quote:

Originally posted by tonym:
There can be some advantages to employing dyslexic staff, as I found out the other day when I sent an email to my secretary telling her to sack my cook.

That made me laugh out loud!

steve

A bit of a Scottish joke this one.......

Q: How do you get a trumpet bird out of your garden ?

A: Rootitoot!

paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river

he walks into the river and stands next to the preacher

"are you ready to find Jesus my son?

paddy says"i am sir"

the preacher puts him under the water then says
"have you found Jesus?"

"no sir"

he puts him under for longer
"have you found Jesus?"

"no sir"

he puts him under for a whole 2minutes
"have you found Jesus?"

paddy says "are you f****** sure this is where he fell in?"

Co-op didn't have any milk again this morning. No delivery due to the snow. Luckily, there's loads of it piled up outside my elderly neighbour Doreen's at no. 83.

It's brilliant to hear that FIFA have decided the venue for next year's Crufts Dog Show. I think Korea is an excellent choice.

I phoned the Lib Dems the other day and asked them to send me a copy of their manifesto. The lady on the end of the phone said:

"We've sold out"

"I know" I said,

... but can you send me a manifesto".

Short of ideas for gifts this christmas? A severed female leg makes a great stocking filler!

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

These Really Work!! Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

My uncle Eric was the world's worst ventriloquist
He used to put 3 fingers up my arse when i was a boy and ask me to say nothing.

The correct insurace companies for sex:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with your secretary - Employers Liability.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your biographer - Quote me happy.

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go.

Sex with your boyfriend - Standard Life.

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Did I upload that joke about alzheimer's?

Tony

If you did, I don't remember.

I thought I was getting Alzheimer"s until I found out that every time I fell asleep my wife was moving the bookmark forward 20 pages.Still I got her back by making her think she"s incontinent. Every time she falls asleep I piss on her lap.

Tony

Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?

Because he said he wouldn't.

I used to look to this topic every now and then. Is it me or are the recent postings not as anymore

Regards,
Michel