Best Jokes (continues)

paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river

he walks into the river and stands next to the preacher

"are you ready to find Jesus my son?

paddy says"i am sir"

the preacher puts him under the water then says
"have you found Jesus?"

"no sir"

he puts him under for longer
"have you found Jesus?"

"no sir"

he puts him under for a whole 2minutes
"have you found Jesus?"

paddy says "are you f****** sure this is where he fell in?"

Co-op didn't have any milk again this morning. No delivery due to the snow. Luckily, there's loads of it piled up outside my elderly neighbour Doreen's at no. 83.

It's brilliant to hear that FIFA have decided the venue for next year's Crufts Dog Show. I think Korea is an excellent choice.

I phoned the Lib Dems the other day and asked them to send me a copy of their manifesto. The lady on the end of the phone said:

"We've sold out"

"I know" I said,

... but can you send me a manifesto".

Short of ideas for gifts this christmas? A severed female leg makes a great stocking filler!

Daily Thought: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.

These Really Work!! Amazing Simple Home Remedies:

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.
2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.
3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.
4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.
5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.
6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.
7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

My uncle Eric was the world's worst ventriloquist
He used to put 3 fingers up my arse when i was a boy and ask me to say nothing.

The correct insurace companies for sex:

Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex with your future wife - Mutual Trust.

Sex with your secretary - Employers Liability.

Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your biographer - Quote me happy.

Sex in a hurry - Insure & Go.

Sex with your boyfriend - Standard Life.

Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Did I upload that joke about alzheimer's?

Tony

If you did, I don't remember.

I thought I was getting Alzheimer"s until I found out that every time I fell asleep my wife was moving the bookmark forward 20 pages.Still I got her back by making her think she"s incontinent. Every time she falls asleep I piss on her lap.

Tony

Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?

Because he said he wouldn't.

I used to look to this topic every now and then. Is it me or are the recent postings not as anymore

Regards,
Michel

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

‎"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Paddy and Mick are talking. Mick says to Paddy,do you know Christmas is on a Friday this year ?is it says Paddy......lets hope its not on the13th.

Just bought the wife an artificial leg for Christmas,its not her main present,its just a stocking filler.

Epileptic Santa.

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

The wife rang me at the pub, "Darling, I've got a chilled bottle of Chardonay, the kids are at your mothers, I'm in front of the log fire with my new Ann Summers outfit, with strawberries and cream all over my fanny and what are you going to do about it?" ..

"What sort of wine was it again?"


Why are women like a KFC?

After you've finished with the thighs and breasts all you have is a greasy box to put your bone in.



How do Eskimos stop their teeth from freezing.....they grit them.


Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo.

After a belting set he asks the audience if they have any requests.

Wee Japanese fella at the front shouts up "Play a jazz chord"

So Stevie sets about playing an amazing Harlem Jazz Blues Set for 15 minutes.

The wee fella shouts up again...."No, No play a Jazz Chord"

So Stevie says "Look if you think you can do any better then come up here and do it"

So the japanese fella gets up on stage, sits at the piano, pulls the microphone to him and sings......

"a jazz chord to say a ruv you, a jazz chord to say ow mwuch i kware ".


A muslim was sat next to Paddy on a plane,Paddy ordered a whisky and the stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink too, which he replied in disgust "I'd rarther be raped by a dozen whores than let alcohol pass my lips ",Paddy handed his drink back and said "me too,I didn't know we had a choice ! "

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Shit! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"



John Higgins has said that it's great to be back playing snooker again at the UK Championship.

Although he is a bit disappointed that he's going to lose 9-5 in the quarter finals.


A man applies for a job with the Police. Inspector says "these are the best qualifications i have ever seen, just one test before i offer you the job.Take this gun and go and shoot 6 Muslims and 6 Pakistanis, and a rabbit"

The bloke replies"why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, see you on Monday"


Linford Christie goes to a golf club and the man at reception says, "Sorry sir, we dont let black people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help." "But I'm Linford Christie!" he says. "Alright then, clever bastard 3 minutes down the road, now F*** off!"

These are just great, that's what I meant!

Regards,
Michel

I see the Campaign for Proper English are ranting on again. So what if I can't spell armegedon?! It's not the end of the world!

I had a racing snail that never won a race, so I removed his shell to make him more aerodynamic.It just made him more sluggish.

Tony

During a survey of the sexual activities of the elderly, one old chap of 84 is asked what his sex life is like. Well, he says I have sex nearly every day. Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday, nearly on Thursday.........

Coronation Streets favourite football team...........Tram near rovers.

Where's me coat?

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

That's the last time I bring my wife to a party. Two glasses, and she made a spectacle of herself.

Tony

The JD Sports store in Liverpool is the only one in the country that has an 'Evening Wear' section.

I used to think that the whole world was against me. But I’ve found that a few smaller countries are neutral.