Best Jokes (continues)

Yes, and if you look closely there's eight nuns. So not technically a joke.

Sorry Dozey perhaps I should of left the OP.

TOBYJUG posted:

Yes, and if you look closely there's eight nuns. So not technically a joke.

Why not? It says 'even sisters'. Seven would have been odd.

G

I wonder if they're waiting for a train to Convent Garden?

Any best jokes on Trump?

Peter Dinh posted:

Any best jokes on Trump?

Doesn't he do those himself?

GraemeH posted:

TOBYJUG posted:

Yes, and if you look closely there's eight nuns. So not technically a joke.

Why not? It says 'even sisters'. Seven would have been odd.

G

Dozey posted:

Sorry, but you will have to explain that one to me.

The answer in Japanese is:  Subaru

Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one? 

Hitler got elected without Russian help

Then there's the Unanswered Question one.  "Make America Great Again" was the slogan.  The question is "When was it last great"?  Answers on a postcard to the White House

JSH posted:

Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one? 

Hitler got elected without Russian help

 

I thought the answer to that was 'Hitler had a plan'. 

Yep; that works too

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. 

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. 

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.

"The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. 

They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's roughly £1000 an inch.

"The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. 

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. 

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.  If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.  It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.

"The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"So what’s your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite worktops."

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a  Friday afternoon, and the teacher
decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class.  Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the 1st person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
 
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the  question?" asked the teacher.
 
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
 
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
 
"No thank you Miss.  I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
 
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
 
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front  yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
 
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
 
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
 
"Okay," said the teacher. 

(Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom)....

"F***ing Immigrants!"
 
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
 
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..........."

ewemon posted:

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a  Friday afternoon, and the teacher
decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class.  Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the 1st person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
 
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the  question?" asked the teacher.
 
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
 
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
 
"No thank you Miss.  I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
 
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
 
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front  yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
 
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
 
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
 
"Okay," said the teacher. 

(Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom)....

"F***ing Immigrants!"
 
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
 
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..........."

 Worth posting this one in another topical thread, ewemon. 

Paper Plane posted:

I was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you got a pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

 

steve

And you awoke how many hours later and in what hospital?

Trump jokes:

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Prudence suggests that I ask you to Google the answer.

   Both funny and educative!!  I didn't know what a garbanzo bean was; now I do

JSH posted:

Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one? 

Hitler got elected without Russian help

Then there's the Unanswered Question one.  "Make America Great Again" was the slogan.  The question is "When was it last great"?  Answers on a postcard to the White House

When we kicked the Redcoats out, of course!

SNAIC in the Grass posted:

JSH posted:

Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one? 

Hitler got elected without Russian help

Then there's the Unanswered Question one.  "Make America Great Again" was the slogan.  The question is "When was it last great"?  Answers on a postcard to the White House

When we kicked the Redcoats out, of course!

Ah yes, you were being ruled by a mad King.

Plus ca change.

So, it's all been downhill for the last 200 years has it?  I suppose that makes sense

PS "Plus ca change" is French

The Padded Cell could use a dose of American humor.   My feeble attempt appears below.  It is hard to hang with you guys but I am doing my best.   Making American Great Again:

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some Really great news"!

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Maine Lobsters that you've ever seen clinging to her........Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the REALLY great news?"

The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

I was sat listening to some music the other evening when there was a knock at the door.

On opening the door I was confronted by a stern looking police officer.

"Is there a problem officer ? " I asked.

" We have received a complaint about your dog, apparently it has been seen chasing a man on a bike " he informed me.

" Sorry officer but it can't be my dog " I replied.

" And why might that be ? " he asked.

" Because my dog can't ride a bike ".

DBS-Al posted:

" apparently it has been seen chasing a man on a bike "

" apparently he has been seen chasing a man on his bike "

Subtle adjustment of pronouns, but seems to work better. The English language can be funny.

Skip posted:

The Padded Cell could use a dose of American humor.   My feeble attempt appears below.  It is hard to hang with you guys but I am doing my best.   Making American Great Again:

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some Really great news"!

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Maine Lobsters that you've ever seen clinging to her........Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the REALLY great news?"

The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

OK,  Come on then Skip.  Tell us when YOU think America was last great

(PS Don't say WW2.  Most of us think that's a gig the US turned uplate for and, a bit like a matador, all dolled up to finish off a wounded and exhausted opponent after the hard work had be done by others)