Best Jokes (continues)

ameden posted:

tonym posted:

International Women's Day was meant to be yesterday, but it took them longer than expected to get ready.

Love this.....my better half has a propensity to always being late....the earlier she starts, the later she is...so it seems...I'm sure no one else has this issue....

Nope... you're right ameden, never experienced this before  

One of my friends bought a 'cherished' number plate for his wife's car, it began with " L 8 ".    Unfortunately his missus didn't see the funny side of this.   They are now separated.  (This really happened.)

I had a big  at this one

Sorry, but you will have to explain that one to me.

I'm sorry it helps if I write it correctly:-

Dozey posted:

Sorry, but you will have to explain that one to me.

Make two fists with your hands

Raise a finger for each nun that you see

How many fingers have you raised?

What is another word for a nun?

Not strictly a joke, but hilarious nevertheless:

http://www.sadanduseless.com/2...awkward-metal-bands/

Bananahead posted:

Dozey posted:

Sorry, but you will have to explain that one to me.

Make two fists with your hands

Raise a finger for each nun that you see

How many fingers have you raised?

What is another word for a nun? 

d'ya get it yet Dozey  ???       

A bit unfair on Dozey. His comment related to BIGH47's initial attempt at posting a joke which didn't make sense.

BIGH47 then deleted his initial post making it look like Dozey's post referred to the Seven Sisters joke.

Yes, and if you look closely there's eight nuns. So not technically a joke.

Sorry Dozey perhaps I should of left the OP.

TOBYJUG posted:

Yes, and if you look closely there's eight nuns. So not technically a joke.

Why not? It says 'even sisters'. Seven would have been odd.

G

I wonder if they're waiting for a train to Convent Garden?

Any best jokes on Trump?

Peter Dinh posted:

Any best jokes on Trump?

Doesn't he do those himself?

GraemeH posted:

TOBYJUG posted:

Yes, and if you look closely there's eight nuns. So not technically a joke.

Why not? It says 'even sisters'. Seven would have been odd.

G

Dozey posted:

Sorry, but you will have to explain that one to me.

The answer in Japanese is:  Subaru

Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one? 

Hitler got elected without Russian help

Then there's the Unanswered Question one.  "Make America Great Again" was the slogan.  The question is "When was it last great"?  Answers on a postcard to the White House

JSH posted:

Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one? 

Hitler got elected without Russian help

 

I thought the answer to that was 'Hitler had a plan'. 

Yep; that works too

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. 

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. 

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.

"The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. 

They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's roughly £1000 an inch.

"The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. 

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. 

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.  If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.  It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.

"The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"So what’s your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite worktops."

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a  Friday afternoon, and the teacher
decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class.  Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the 1st person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
 
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the  question?" asked the teacher.
 
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
 
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
 
"No thank you Miss.  I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
 
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
 
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front  yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
 
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
 
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
 
"Okay," said the teacher. 

(Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom)....

"F***ing Immigrants!"
 
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
 
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..........."

ewemon posted:

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a  Friday afternoon, and the teacher
decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class.  Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the 1st person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.
 
"Who is credited with writing the phrase, To be or not to be, that is the  question?" asked the teacher.
 
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare".
 
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off."
 
"No thank you Miss.  I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard." said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
 
"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
 
Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front  yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"
 
"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"
 
"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.
 
"Okay," said the teacher. 

(Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom)....

"F***ing Immigrants!"
 
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.
 
"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ..........."

 Worth posting this one in another topical thread, ewemon. 

Paper Plane posted:

I was standing at the bar in the pub one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly woman came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're cute. You got a phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you got a pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I've got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

 

steve

And you awoke how many hours later and in what hospital?

Trump jokes:

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Prudence suggests that I ask you to Google the answer.

   Both funny and educative!!  I didn't know what a garbanzo bean was; now I do