Best Jokes (continues)

Had a great night out with Lizzy Liquorice.  Got up to allsorts

Not a joke". But should cheer you up no end 

steve

With a very  seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?"
 
 "No" said her husband. 
  
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.

He took the crumpled £20 note from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have  you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?"

"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached  into her panties and pulled out a crumpled £50 note.

He took the crumpled £50 note and started breathing a little more quickly.
 
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen £50,000 all crumpled up?"
 
"No," he replied, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
 
"Go look in the garage."

I don't always examine my grammar, but I like to check every noun again .

A couple of pals were down at the pub playing darts when they had to use the loo.

Bert looked at George and said is that a fifty pound note you've got tattooed on your todger George said it certainly is I had it done for the missus.

She likes to handle money ,she like to see money grow and she can blow fifty quid anytime she likes.

I never realised Robert Mugabee was a Yorkshireman until I saw his name spelt backwards.

Stolen joke # whatever:-

If this audiobook doesn't download properly I'll never hear the end of it.

I've just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Two behavioral biologists fell in love, married, and were blessed with the birth of twin boys.

They named one James, the other Control.

tonym posted:

I've just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Must have been the page Teresa May was reading just before 11:00 yesterday..................

The Fixed Term Parliament Act. The first time it is invoked it sales through - 522 to 13. Thinking about it, who in opposition is ever going to turn down an opportunity to try and unseat the current government, even if your name is Corbyn! 

Has been said to be quite a mouthful with a great finish. At 30% has some good strength behind it

Only in Britain:

- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

- do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy their cigarettes at the front

- do people order double-cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke

- do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mowers in the garage

- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call-waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be 10 again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked her, "Well dear, what was it like being 10 again?"

One eye opened. "You idiot. I meant my dress size!" she said.

The moral of this story is: if a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.  

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

My wife said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the Monkees.

I thought love was more or less a given thing. Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

A man was found shot with a starting pistol.
Police believe it's race related.