Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
JSH posted:Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one?
Hitler got elected without Russian help
Then there's the Unanswered Question one. "Make America Great Again" was the slogan. The question is "When was it last great"? Answers on a postcard to the White House
When we kicked the Redcoats out, of course!
SNAIC in the Grass posted:JSH posted:Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one?
Hitler got elected without Russian help
Then there's the Unanswered Question one. "Make America Great Again" was the slogan. The question is "When was it last great"? Answers on a postcard to the White House
When we kicked the Redcoats out, of course!
Ah yes, you were being ruled by a mad King.
Plus ca change.
So, it's all been downhill for the last 200 years has it? I suppose that makes sense
PS "Plus ca change" is French
The Padded Cell could use a dose of American humor. My feeble attempt appears below. It is hard to hang with you guys but I am doing my best. Making American Great Again:
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some Really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Maine Lobsters that you've ever seen clinging to her........Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the REALLY great news?"
The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
I was sat listening to some music the other evening when there was a knock at the door.
On opening the door I was confronted by a stern looking police officer.
"Is there a problem officer ? " I asked.
" We have received a complaint about your dog, apparently it has been seen chasing a man on a bike " he informed me.
" Sorry officer but it can't be my dog " I replied.
" And why might that be ? " he asked.
" Because my dog can't ride a bike ".
DBS-Al posted:" apparently it has been seen chasing a man on a bike "
" apparently he has been seen chasing a man on his bike "
Subtle adjustment of pronouns, but seems to work better. The English language can be funny.
Skip posted:The Padded Cell could use a dose of American humor. My feeble attempt appears below. It is hard to hang with you guys but I am doing my best. Making American Great Again:
A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some Really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Maine Lobsters that you've ever seen clinging to her........Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the REALLY great news?"
The officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
OK, Come on then Skip. Tell us when YOU think America was last great
(PS Don't say WW2. Most of us think that's a gig the US turned uplate for and, a bit like a matador, all dolled up to finish off a wounded and exhausted opponent after the hard work had be done by others)
Had a great night out with Lizzy Liquorice. Got up to allsorts
Not a joke". But should cheer you up no end 
steve
With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?"
"No" said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled £20 note.
He took the crumpled £20 note from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?"
"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled £50 note.
He took the crumpled £50 note and started breathing a little more quickly.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen £50,000 all crumpled up?"
"No," he replied, becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied:
"Go look in the garage."
I don't always examine my grammar, but I like to check every noun again .
A couple of pals were down at the pub playing darts when they had to use the loo.
Bert looked at George and said is that a fifty pound note you've got tattooed on your todger George said it certainly is I had it done for the missus.
She likes to handle money ,she like to see money grow and she can blow fifty quid anytime she likes.
I never realised Robert Mugabee was a Yorkshireman until I saw his name spelt backwards.
Stolen joke # whatever:-
If this audiobook doesn't download properly I'll never hear the end of it.
I've just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
Two behavioral biologists fell in love, married, and were blessed with the birth of twin boys.
They named one James, the other Control.
tonym posted:I've just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
Must have been the page Teresa May was reading just before 11:00 yesterday..................
The Fixed Term Parliament Act. The first time it is invoked it sales through - 522 to 13. Thinking about it, who in opposition is ever going to turn down an opportunity to try and unseat the current government, even if your name is Corbyn! 
Has been said to be quite a mouthful with a great finish. At 30% has some good strength behind it
Only in Britain:
- can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance
- do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy their cigarettes at the front
- do people order double-cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke
- do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mowers in the garage
- do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call-waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be 10 again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked her, "Well dear, what was it like being 10 again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot. I meant my dress size!" she said.
The moral of this story is: if a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.