Best Jokes (continues)

West Midlands Traffic Report - a truck carrying a load of Vic's Vapour Rub has overturned at J10a on the M6 spilling its load.  West Midlands Police say its now cleared up & there is no congestion.

"Dad - why is my sister called Teresa?"

"It's an anagram of Easter and your mum loves Easter"

"Thanks Dad"

"No problem Alan"

What happens when Trump takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

A glossary of HiFi terms:

Loudspeaker - a person that talks while you're playing music

Woofer - a dog that barks while you're playing music

Tweeter - a teenager on social media

Supertweeter - Donald Trump

Tuner - a fish in New York City

Bass - also a fish

Pickup - a person you bring home to listen to your HiFi

Wow - listening to your HiFi with a loose pickup

Flutter - your reaction during Wow

Resistor - what you should do with a loose pickup

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

I went to university a rather pessimistic person, but I left with a degree of optimism.

Educational Fact for today:-

The collective noun for a group of PPI salesmen is a miscellany .

For sale.   ALDI TT.      One careful owner.

Man has both a brain and a penis.

But only enough blood to run one at a time.

Stolen joke of the day:-

I’m getting a new copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover delivered tomorrow . 

by DHL

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70's
Worst prostate exam ever.

steve

http://www.danopsal.com/jogstrap

Two surfers are sitting on a dune talking.
Surfer 1: "I have a half-sister. "
Surfer 2: "Different father? "
Surfer 1: "No, shark attack."

The recipe said put the casserole in at 180 degrees, now the bottom of my oven is filled with it.

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,   Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking reprobates are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain sir, your obedient servant ???????

Mr ??????,  I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC ? Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?   First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me next Wednesday, If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. Regards ? P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

Was only a matter of time for this to happened..

Me (Licking lips in anticipation) - "I've never done a bungee jump before!"
Instructor - "Please don't lick my lips again".

Jeremy Corbyn's allotment: a socialist plot.

"An apology" from the Hampshire Chronicle:

"During an election profile article on the Winchester UKIP candidate Martin Lyon in the Chronicle last week there was a typographical error in the words “county councillor” producing what looked like a crude remark.