Best Jokes (continues)

The recipe said put the casserole in at 180 degrees, now the bottom of my oven is filled with it.

This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public. True email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,   Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board. As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Marys Crescent, which is just off St Marys Road in Bodmin. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon. The remaining five walking reprobates are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen. What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like. I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me. I remain sir, your obedient servant ???????

Mr ??????,  I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable. Regards PC ? Community Beat Officer

Dear PC ?   First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Marys Crescent, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5. Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch on Fairpark Road, or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock. Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me next Wednesday, If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub. Regards ? P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department, with whom I am also in contact!!

Was only a matter of time for this to happened..

Me (Licking lips in anticipation) - "I've never done a bungee jump before!"
Instructor - "Please don't lick my lips again".

Jeremy Corbyn's allotment: a socialist plot.

"An apology" from the Hampshire Chronicle:

"During an election profile article on the Winchester UKIP candidate Martin Lyon in the Chronicle last week there was a typographical error in the words “county councillor” producing what looked like a crude remark.

Stolen joke of the day:-

Confession for Today: I haven't always worn a belt. In fact my trousers would often fall down unexpectedly

But that was many moons ago .

Christopher_M posted:

"An apology" from the Hampshire Chronicle:

"During an election profile article on the Winchester UKIP candidate Martin Lyon in the Chronicle last week there was a typographical error in the words “county councillor” producing what looked like a crude remark.

The error attracted some vulgar attention on social media.

We apologise to Mr Lyon for the error and any embarrassment caused."

That reminds me of an application form we received at work, in which the applicant stated in the 'reasons for applying for this job' section 'I have always wanted to work for the Cunty Council'. They weren't shortlisted. 

When working on the (then) new Scotland office building the first letter that arrived from the newly appointed main contrator was to the job architect, Simon White.

It was addressed 'Dear Mr Shite'.

This is going to go well we thought.

G

British Pound is diving, time to buy Naim!?

Snait in the grass - don't give up your day job.

thebigfredc posted:

Snait in the grass - don't give up your day job.

He hasn't got one.  Not old enough yet

Yebbut what if you don't happen to like fries? Can't I have soused herrings in a piquant sauce in my box? Not that I'm mad about them, just prefer them to fries. And they're sort of related in a way.

Is that a "yes" then?

Adam Meredith posted:

tonym posted:

Yebbut what if you don't happen to like fries? Can't I have soused herrings in a piquant sauce in my box? Not that I'm mad about them, just prefer them to fries. And they're sort of related in a way.

Thinking beyond productivity

Using Yebbut to Generate and Restructure Ideas

The word “yebbut” is a term coined by Edward de Bono in the sixties as a grammatical shorthand for a number of alternative thinking operations. The word has no magic powers in itself, but once you’re accustomed to using the operations it’s meant to invoke, their usage is less cumbersome, just as converting mathematical word problems to numerals and symbols makes reckoning easier.

Yebbut stands for yes but.
Provocation is used to see where an idea or statement leads to with further exploration. Traditional logic, what de Bono calls rock logic, is concerned with “what is,” using the judgment system to determine whether or not a statement is true, or to classify something into a known category. The alternative to judgement is movement, or water logic, which is concerned with “what can be,” following a provocation is see what it leads to.

Since yebbut is an operation rather than a noun, verb, preposition or adjective, the term doesn’t lend itself to a convenient dictionary definition. But the uses for yebbut can be explained and described without much difficulty. The first step is to become familiar with the thinking operations represented by yebbut, then it becomes easy to use the word in context. There are three primary uses.

Denoting a provocative statement

The first use of yebbut is at the beginning of a phase or sentence to indicate that what follows is a provocation. Whether or not the statement is true is irrelevant; it’s only used for effect, as a novel point of departure for stimulating new trains of thought that hopefully result in new ideas.

.......these two must be the best jokes in over 215 pages. Hee hee hee.........

I have been laughing for more than 8 hours and I just don't know when I will calm down enough to stop.......

Umm..interesting but I thought the word, or rather phrase, was 'Yebbut Nobbut'. I believe this phrase is used by young people to buy some thinking time in order to extricate themselves from difficult or embarrassing situations. If more time is needed then the phrase is repeated several times. I believe the phrase originated on an estate in Bristol by a young lady called Vicky and spread (via TV) to the rest of the country, but I am happy to be proved wrong (by Adam probably). Not sure any philosophers were involved, just teenagers.

I can't help but think that some people have too much time on their hands, if they interact on threads like this!!!

BigH47 posted:

I can't help but think that some people have too much time on their hands, if they interact on threads like this!!!

But you managed to find the time!