Best Jokes (continues)

nigelb posted:

BigH47 posted:

I can't help but think that some people have too much time on their hands, if they interact on threads like this!!!

But you managed to find the time! 

Maybe I should have added a  ?

London estate agents insist market is 'booming' after woman pays £1bn for house on Downing Street

Conortsun posted:

London estate agents insist market is 'booming' after woman pays £1bn for house on Downing Street

Glasgow Rangers could do with the money.

Time wasted is time . . . well, spent.

A Wimbledon themed joke:-

The wife told me the best way to enjoy strawberries, is to dust with icing sugar and pile cream on top.

But Pile cream tastes awful . . .

BigH47 posted:

Time wasted is time . . . well, spent.

A Wimbledon themed joke:-

The wife told me the best way to enjoy strawberries, is to dust with icing sugar and pile cream on top.

But Pile cream tastes awful . . .

So you listened to I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue on Monday as well then Howard?

MDS posted:

Conortsun posted:

London estate agents insist market is 'booming' after woman pays £1bn for house on Downing Street

Glasgow Rangers could do with the money.

And to continue the theme, does the deductions for "NI" shown in our payslips mean Northern Ireland? (stolen from the Evening Standard)

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

Good old Little Johnny. My favourite is the mating call of the oyster. It needs to be seen rather than written. 

Stolen joke of the day:-

Non-Breaking Pop News for #NationalCreamTeaDay: The Jam and Cream were to reunite for a gig on the Devon/Cornwall border today, but the organisers couldn't agree who would go on first .

Kevin I steal my jokes from elsewhere, but he may listen to ISIHAC.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvEp_B5Kq8

For those who haven't seen this!

Salmon Dave posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvEp_B5Kq8

For those who haven't seen this!

Brilliant! 

G

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better, but I am wondering, should I keep the letters.?

steve

My friend Gav sadly died yesterday from taking Heartburn tablets. Can't believe Gavisgon.

Wimbledon Fact for Today: It's tragic that you don't see any baby Wombles, but when one gives birth, the others immediately get rid of the litter .

''Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef,

who caused local farmers much grief,

to their cows he would run,

cut their legs off for fun,

and say "look, I've invented ground beef!"

steve

Did you hear about the woman who died after falling in a vat of grease?

The doctors did everything they could for her, but in the end she just slipped away.

Well, TobyJug, if we're going down the limerick route:

A dissolute man from Belgrave

Once found a dead whore in a cave

He said 'How disgusting;

'But it only needs dusting,

And think of the money I'll save'

My favourite.

" There was a young vampire called Mable,

Who's periods were always quite stable,

every full moon, she would whip out her spoon,

and drink herself under the table ".

and not forgetting.

" There was a man from Leeds, who swallowed a packet of seeds,

blades of grass grew out his arse,

and his balls were all covered in weeds ".

Ah limericks -one of my favourite verse forms. One of my favs:

There once was a parson called Bings

Who spoke of heavenly things

But his secret desire

was a boy in the choir

With a bottom like jelly on springs

I'll get my coat...

https://forums.naimaudio.com/topic/limericks

G

There once was a randy old monk

who fell asleep in his bunk

he dreamt the god Venus

was touching his - elbow

and woke up covered in perspiration.

There once was a girl from Madrid

Who had an affair with a squid.

She said, "I've tried eels

And sported with seals,

But once you've been squid, you've been did."

There was a young man that loved naim

and put all his kit on a fraim

he cherished the sound, all plummy and round

but hid his bank statements in shame