Best Jokes (continues)

Stolen joke of the day:-

Non-Breaking Pop News for #NationalCreamTeaDay: The Jam and Cream were to reunite for a gig on the Devon/Cornwall border today, but the organisers couldn't agree who would go on first .

Kevin I steal my jokes from elsewhere, but he may listen to ISIHAC.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvEp_B5Kq8

For those who haven't seen this!

Salmon Dave posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkvEp_B5Kq8

For those who haven't seen this!

Brilliant! 

G

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them.

I did that and I feel much better, but I am wondering, should I keep the letters.?

steve

My friend Gav sadly died yesterday from taking Heartburn tablets. Can't believe Gavisgon.

Wimbledon Fact for Today: It's tragic that you don't see any baby Wombles, but when one gives birth, the others immediately get rid of the litter .

''Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef,

who caused local farmers much grief,

to their cows he would run,

cut their legs off for fun,

and say "look, I've invented ground beef!"

steve

Did you hear about the woman who died after falling in a vat of grease?

The doctors did everything they could for her, but in the end she just slipped away.

Well, TobyJug, if we're going down the limerick route:

A dissolute man from Belgrave

Once found a dead whore in a cave

He said 'How disgusting;

'But it only needs dusting,

And think of the money I'll save'

My favourite.

" There was a young vampire called Mable,

Who's periods were always quite stable,

every full moon, she would whip out her spoon,

and drink herself under the table ".

and not forgetting.

" There was a man from Leeds, who swallowed a packet of seeds,

blades of grass grew out his arse,

and his balls were all covered in weeds ".

Ah limericks -one of my favourite verse forms. One of my favs:

There once was a parson called Bings

Who spoke of heavenly things

But his secret desire

was a boy in the choir

With a bottom like jelly on springs

I'll get my coat...

https://forums.naimaudio.com/topic/limericks

G

There once was a randy old monk

who fell asleep in his bunk

he dreamt the god Venus

was touching his - elbow

and woke up covered in perspiration.

There once was a girl from Madrid

Who had an affair with a squid.

She said, "I've tried eels

And sported with seals,

But once you've been squid, you've been did."

There was a young man that loved naim

and put all his kit on a fraim

he cherished the sound, all plummy and round

but hid his bank statements in shame

Donald Trump's parrot
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the
Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

steve

A lesbian one night in Khartoum

Took a prostitute back to her room

But they sat up all night

Discussing the right

Of who should do what

And to whom.

Paper Plane posted:

Donald Trump's parrot
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the
Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

steve

Echoes of history perhaps and the 1980's comedy take on Ronald Reagan....'cupcakes and crumbly candy bars'....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2n87YKSjrA

Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school class one day while they're in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he'd like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". He agrees and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Trump, "That would be an accident."

Next a girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus full of children went off a cliff, that would be a tragedy." "No, I'm afraid not," says Trump. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent and no other children volunteer. Trump looks around the room and says testily, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

At last, a boy at the back of the class raises his hand and says, "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr Trump, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" shouts Trump, "That's exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "Because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

The managing director of Dulux Paints has been found dead on top of Ben Nevis having suffered from severe Hypothermia. Doctors have said he could have done with another coat.

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any one racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

A couple of reference books that haven't seen each other in a while meet on the sidewalk. Book 1 says "Wow, you look so much thinner". Book 2 replies "Thanks, just had my appendix removed".