Best Jokes (continues)

Donald Trump's parrot
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the
Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

steve

A lesbian one night in Khartoum

Took a prostitute back to her room

But they sat up all night

Discussing the right

Of who should do what

And to whom.

Paper Plane posted:

Donald Trump's parrot
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the
Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

steve

Echoes of history perhaps and the 1980's comedy take on Ronald Reagan....'cupcakes and crumbly candy bars'....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2n87YKSjrA

Donald Trump is visiting an elementary school class one day while they're in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he'd like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". He agrees and asks the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stands up and says, "If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Trump, "That would be an accident."

Next a girl raises her hand and says, "If a school bus full of children went off a cliff, that would be a tragedy." "No, I'm afraid not," says Trump. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent and no other children volunteer. Trump looks around the room and says testily, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

At last, a boy at the back of the class raises his hand and says, "If Air Force One carrying you, Mr Trump, was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" shouts Trump, "That's exactly right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "Because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

The managing director of Dulux Paints has been found dead on top of Ben Nevis having suffered from severe Hypothermia. Doctors have said he could have done with another coat.

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any one racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

A couple of reference books that haven't seen each other in a while meet on the sidewalk. Book 1 says "Wow, you look so much thinner". Book 2 replies "Thanks, just had my appendix removed".

I used to date a tennis player. Love meant nothing to her.

Seeing its the REALLY BAD Joke time here! 

The Night Shift at Scotland Yard arrived at HQ the find some wag had stolen all the Toilets-- investigators swung into gear immediately!--

as of this writing they still had nothing to go on

D41

A number of hookers in Nevada, where prostitution is legal, have organised as 'Hookers For Healthcare', to oppose the new healthcare legislation in the U.S. Senate.

This poses a real quandary. I don't know which side to believe. I mean, on one side there's this small group of amoral people who every day debase themselves by doing anything, no matter how disgusting and depraved, to please the men who give them money. And on the other side, we've got hookers.

tonym posted:

A number of hookers in Nevada, where prostitution is legal, have organised as 'Hookers For Healthcare', to oppose the new healthcare legislation in the U.S. Senate.

This poses a real quandary. I don't know which side to believe. I mean, on one side there's this small group of amoral people who every day debase themselves by doing anything, no matter how disgusting and depraved, to please the men who give them money. And on the other side, we've got hookers.

Excellent. Sir has been on a bit of a roll lately. About time best jokes became funny again.

Warning - swearing. But very funny:

A 30 year old goes to the doctor and asks " what should I do to live longer years?"  The doctor advises " give up smoking, give up drinking alcohol and give up women".  The patient thinks about it and then says " But those things would not really prolong the years in my life span"  The doctor replies "thats true but they would make you feel like many more years..!"

Quote for a Sunday: “Life is like box of hollyhocks” - Florist Gump

Kevin-W posted:

Warning - swearing. But very funny:

Brilliant. As a long-suffering commuter of Southern Fail, I really enjoyed that.

BigH47 posted:

Quote for a Sunday: “Life is like box of hollyhocks” - Florist Gump

Quote for every day "Life is like a child's shirt; short and shitty".

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you habe any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers...."I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk"

That is so bloody awful H, I can't stop myself from liking it.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 32K, 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

tonym posted:

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 32K, 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

Ouch!

Phil

Warning About eBay

Take Heed!  Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent £95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastard sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

A teacher asked a young class if they knew any long words.  A hand shot up from a amall boy "yes" she asked "masturbation miss!" the boy enthusiastically replied.  The teacher thought about it and said " that's a bit of a mouthful".  The same boy instantly replied "No miss thats called a blowjob!"