Best Jokes (continues)

I used to date a tennis player. Love meant nothing to her.

Seeing its the REALLY BAD Joke time here! 

The Night Shift at Scotland Yard arrived at HQ the find some wag had stolen all the Toilets-- investigators swung into gear immediately!--

as of this writing they still had nothing to go on

D41

A number of hookers in Nevada, where prostitution is legal, have organised as 'Hookers For Healthcare', to oppose the new healthcare legislation in the U.S. Senate.

This poses a real quandary. I don't know which side to believe. I mean, on one side there's this small group of amoral people who every day debase themselves by doing anything, no matter how disgusting and depraved, to please the men who give them money. And on the other side, we've got hookers.

tonym posted:

A number of hookers in Nevada, where prostitution is legal, have organised as 'Hookers For Healthcare', to oppose the new healthcare legislation in the U.S. Senate.

This poses a real quandary. I don't know which side to believe. I mean, on one side there's this small group of amoral people who every day debase themselves by doing anything, no matter how disgusting and depraved, to please the men who give them money. And on the other side, we've got hookers.

Excellent. Sir has been on a bit of a roll lately. About time best jokes became funny again.

Warning - swearing. But very funny:

A 30 year old goes to the doctor and asks " what should I do to live longer years?"  The doctor advises " give up smoking, give up drinking alcohol and give up women".  The patient thinks about it and then says " But those things would not really prolong the years in my life span"  The doctor replies "thats true but they would make you feel like many more years..!"

Quote for a Sunday: “Life is like box of hollyhocks” - Florist Gump

Kevin-W posted:

Warning - swearing. But very funny:

Brilliant. As a long-suffering commuter of Southern Fail, I really enjoyed that.

BigH47 posted:

Quote for a Sunday: “Life is like box of hollyhocks” - Florist Gump

Quote for every day "Life is like a child's shirt; short and shitty".

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you habe any widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers...."I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk"

That is so bloody awful H, I can't stop myself from liking it.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 32K, 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

tonym posted:

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 32K, 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

Ouch!

Phil

Warning About eBay

Take Heed!  Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent £95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastard sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

A teacher asked a young class if they knew any long words.  A hand shot up from a amall boy "yes" she asked "masturbation miss!" the boy enthusiastically replied.  The teacher thought about it and said " that's a bit of a mouthful".  The same boy instantly replied "No miss thats called a blowjob!"

joerand posted:

Cbr600 posted:

joerand posted:

 

I thought this was very clever, and funny. Unfortunately my son says you need to get out more !

I'm with your son but I just don't understand it - which probably means I should get out more too!

JSH posted:

Cbr600 posted:

joerand posted:

 

I thought this was very clever, and funny. Unfortunately my son says you need to get out more !

I'm with your son but I just don't understand it - which probably means I should get out more too!

It's Pi, as in π, which has a value of 3.14........ 

JSH posted:

Cbr600 posted:

joerand posted:

 

I thought this was very clever, and funny. Unfortunately my son says you need to get out more !

I'm with your son but I just don't understand it - which probably means I should get out more too!

26.86 + pi (about 3.14) = 30. A very nerdy joke but funny! And not even Bill Gates could do something similar with "c", "(N(a) or L)".

By the way, as pi is a constant, do you always give the same tip?

VladtheImpala posted:

JSH posted:

Cbr600 posted:

joerand posted:

 

I thought this was very clever, and funny. Unfortunately my son says you need to get out more !

I'm with your son but I just don't understand it - which probably means I should get out more too!

26.86 + pi (about 3.14) = 30. A very nerdy joke but funny! And not even Bill Gates could do something similar with "c", "(N(a) or L)".

By the way, as pi is a constant, do you always give the same tip?

Now who's being nerdy? 

MDS posted:

VladtheImpala posted:

JSH posted:

Cbr600 posted:

joerand posted:

 

I thought this was very clever, and funny. Unfortunately my son says you need to get out more !

I'm with your son but I just don't understand it - which probably means I should get out more too!

26.86 + pi (about 3.14) = 30. A very nerdy joke but funny! And not even Bill Gates could do something similar with "c", "(N(a) or L)".

By the way, as pi is a constant, do you always give the same tip?

Now who's being nerdy? 

I'm here for all the next 23.659% of an average lunation, try the veal!

OK, I had to look that one up.