Best Jokes (continues)

VladtheImpala posted:

MDS posted:

VladtheImpala posted:

JSH posted:

Cbr600 posted:

joerand posted:

 

I thought this was very clever, and funny. Unfortunately my son says you need to get out more !

I'm with your son but I just don't understand it - which probably means I should get out more too!

26.86 + pi (about 3.14) = 30. A very nerdy joke but funny! And not even Bill Gates could do something similar with "c", "(N(a) or L)".

By the way, as pi is a constant, do you always give the same tip?

Now who's being nerdy? 

I'm here for all the next 23.659% of an average lunation, try the veal!

OK, I had to look that one up.

Tell your son how he can explain Pi to the waitress using a square and circle beermat.

joerand posted:

Of course, the slightly more mean spirited customer could always tip e.

Jesus walks up to a hotel receptionist and dumps a bag of nails on the counter.

Then asks  " Can you put me up for the night "

TOBYJUG posted:

Jesus walks up to a hotel receptionist and dumps a bag of nails on the counter.

Then asks  " Can you put me up for the night "

Hotel receptionist, "Can I interest you in our current special; stay three nights and get the fourth for free?"

Jesus thinks for a minute, then responds, "No thanks, it's a wash for me."

Difference between the true Jesus and a picture of him?
 
One nail hangs the picture.

New to this thread. Apologies if posted before.

While Titian was mixing rose madder
A model lay posed on a ladder
The position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he nipped up the ladder and 'adder.

I know a great dyslexic Barber.

His trim and shave number is the best thing since sliced beard.

I've just had my shop broken into. They stole 50 cans of redbull.

i just don't know how they sleep at night.

Bob the flasher was going to retire, but he had a re-think and is going to hang it out for another year.

Richard Morris posted:

New to this thread. Apologies if posted before.

While Titian was mixing rose madder
A model lay posed on a ladder
The position to Titian
Suggested coition
So he nipped up the ladder and 'adder.

That reminds me of a long ago winner of a Private Eye limerick comp.

Is it really so very unthinkable
That Rodin's 'The Thinker' is linkable
To impossibly cool
Meditation at stool
When one knows one has passed an unsinkable?

Lover's initials carved in a tree trunk. Romantic stuff isn't it?

Then again, has me wondering who brings along a knife to a date in the woods?

Q. How do you make an Australian laugh on a monday?

A. Tell him a joke on a friday.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Sam and Janet.

Sam and Janet who?

Sam and Janet evening.

Q. What song did Glenn Campbell record after successfully completing his Slimmers World programme?

A. 'Like a Nine Stone Cowboy'

SNAIC in the Grass posted:

JSH posted:

Did someone do the "What's the difference between Trump and Hitler" one? 

Hitler got elected without Russian help

Then there's the Unanswered Question one.  "Make America Great Again" was the slogan.  The question is "When was it last great"?  Answers on a postcard to the White House

When we kicked the Redcoats out, of course!

The best thing to have come out of America was the British in 1776

You out of jail again then, Snaic?

Dunno why you've resurrected this again. As we said, if the last time America was great was 200 years ago, it's all been downhill since. 

We feel much the same about our leaving too.  Better to Just let you get on shooting each other and murdering your wildlife each day and hope you stay on your island

JSH posted:

You out of jail again then, Snaic?

Dunno why you've resurrected this again. As we said, if the last time America was great was 200 years ago, it's all been downhill since. 

We feel much the same about our leaving too.  Better to Just let you get on shooting each other and murdering your wildlife each day and hope you stay on your island

Friendly reminder - please play nicely together...

Phil

Interviewer: 'So where do you see yourself in 5 years time?'

Me: 'My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.'

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic.

BigH47 posted:

Interviewer: 'So where do you see yourself in 5 years time?'

Me: 'My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.'

     Interviewer:  ' So where do you see yourself in 3 years time?'

     Me: ' I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.'

Man phones the police,  "I think my wife has died"     "What makes you think she's dead?" asks the cop,    "The sex hasn't changed but the washing is piling up"  

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.  One says, "I think I've lost an electron"   the other says "Are you sure?"      "Yes, I'm positive"

The name is Bond. Ionic bond. Taken, not shared.

Apparently having sex whilst drunk, is banned in Iceland......not sure about asda,  you will have to check their rules.

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