Best Jokes (continues)

2 electrical fitters are installing new signage at London Brick. They'd almost finished the job but noticed that instead of a B they only had a P left in the box. Well we can't put that up said one chap. The other chap said "you don't think we made a mistake yesterday at Accles and Pollock do you!!"

A chap walks into a village pub one evening. He's alone, dishevelled, unkempt and a little bit smelly.

After a could of drinks the landlord decides to engage him in conversation.

"Are you new to the area or just visiting?" he enquires

"Visiting for a week or so - I'm here with the circus" the man replies

"That's great - what do you do at the circus?"

"I'm an elephant de-constipator. Travelling sure can bung 'em up" the man replies. Thinking, 'that might explain a lot', the publican continues:

"Wow! I've always adored elephants, are yours friendly?"

"Absolutely - you can come over tomorrow and meet them if you like, I can get you in!"

"Well, that would be fantastic."

So, the next day the landlord goes over to the circus and - to his delight - gets to meet the tame elephants. As he does so, the man spies one looking in some mild distress.

"Excuse, me, but duty calls..." says the man. He proceeds to do his job, which entails exactly what it sounds like it entails.

Afterwards, he is literally covered in elephant poo. Sprayed head to foot, and one arm, er, completely covered. 'Perfume' to match. You can imagine.

"Jesus," says the publican "how much do you get paid for doing this?"

"Fifty quid a week, plus board and lodging"  replies the man.

"Good grief, for getting covered in . . . that, the whole time?!?  Tell you what, we need staff. Come and work at the pub. I'll give you £100 a week - double - and board and lodging. What do you say?"

"What? And leave show-business?"

Another bloke walked into the same village pub & asks the landlord for a pint & a packet of helicopter flavored crisps.  The landlord says “Sorry we only have plain.”

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk.The man below responded,
"You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ****ing fault!

Whoopi Goldberg thought the same on discovering her real dad was Peter Cushing.

tonym posted:

Just heard on the news that Beyonce has discovered that Roy Castle was really her father.
Can't see her taking his surname somehow.

and another    for Whoopi Cushing

Enough ..........  too much side splitting for so early in the morning 

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

You'd have to be a real sucker to fall for that one.

Tony2011 posted:

Clive B posted:

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

You'd have to be a real sucker to fall for that one.

Yeah, that one really sucks! 

Apparently "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"...

Phil Harris posted:

Tony2011 posted:

Clive B posted:

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

You'd have to be a real sucker to fall for that one.

Yeah, that one really sucks! 

Apparently "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"...

This has moved on a bit since yesterday,  I'm writing this from hospital & I thought I'd better warn readers that the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.    

Mike-B posted:

Phil Harris posted:

Tony2011 posted:

Clive B posted:

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

You'd have to be a real sucker to fall for that one.

Yeah, that one really sucks! 

Apparently "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"...

This has moved on a bit since yesterday,  I'm writing this from hospital & I thought I'd better warn readers that the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.    

That's your excuse 

G

Mike-B posted:

Phil Harris posted:

Tony2011 posted:

Clive B posted:

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

You'd have to be a real sucker to fall for that one.

Yeah, that one really sucks! 

Apparently "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"...

This has moved on a bit since yesterday,  I'm writing this from hospital & I thought I'd better warn readers that the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.    

Mike, I hope you haven't gone Cordless !!

Phil Harris posted:

Tony2011 posted:

Clive B posted:

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

You'd have to be a real sucker to fall for that one.

Yeah, that one really sucks! 

Apparently "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"...

You haven't met Tracy from the chip shop then

I think Tracy from the chip shop may have some competition.

Henrietta also comes with various accessories.

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state
of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.

I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.

Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.

I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.

So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

The Hoover company is based in Ohio, so most Americans should be on board with the gist. Helps explain this reference from The Simpsons ....

The immediate response from me regarding the spam would be whether the sender was testing providers or benefactors. 

    Hi JoeRand,  its nice to see we are not so divided by a common language  

THE other day my wife and I were laughing about how competitive we are - but I laughed more.

Truly sad news, the guy who invented predictive text has pissed away and his funfair is next monkey.

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article  which appeared
in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at  disabling the
security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find one or two large safes filled with cash &  valuables, were  surprised
to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,  "At
least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
read:












IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING !

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
 She was wearing a  loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps.  He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front
of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet
he  grunted  and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the  pretty lady in the pink
dress.
 
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
 He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering  her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making
noises  that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall
to show a  little more skin.
She did, and the gorilla was about  to tear the bars down.
 "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he
said.  This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing
flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
cage,  flung  her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

 "Now, tell him, you have a headache."

A guy goes to a  supermarket  and a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He is rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from so he says do I know you?

 She replies I think you are the father of one of my kids!

 His eyes get big as he thinks back to the only time  he was ever unfaithful and he says.  My God  are you the stripper from my Bachelor party. The one I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while my partner whipped my ass  with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse?

She replies No  I am your son's Maths teacher.

Elephant to Camel : "Why do you have boobs on your back ?"
Camel to Elephant : "That's a f*****g good question coming from  someone
who  has a penis on his face."