Best Jokes (continues)

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your
daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,
and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at  this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall  charge
you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For  fifteen years
I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a
*****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a French footballer. 

 Investigations have shown that it was most probably murder on Zidanes' floor.

steve (a vegetarian too!)

My doctor has been invited to a meeting about constipation.

He can't go.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Stephen Tate posted:

Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?
He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated.

Luckily there's still 3 months till cracker opening time...

Salmon Dave posted:

Stephen Tate posted:

Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?
He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated.

Luckily there's still 3 months till cracker opening time...

It's better than that!

Unfortunate arm extension for new UKIP leader...

James Bond comes up to a chicken.

The chicken asks ' Hey mate, what's your name"

of course the reply was " bond, James Bond"

Bond then asks " hey chicken, what's your name" 

 " Ken Chicken "

JamieWednesday posted:

Unfortunate arm extension for new UKIP leader...

It's about what I would expect...

steve

Transcript from disturbance at Jacob Reece-Mogg's meeting this morning.

A little Pythonesque methinks:

See Tom Petty has died.  That's a Heartbreaker

My wife has packed her bags and gone!

Just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Has she gone away with Al Dente?

Or 'Rigger' Tony?

Daveas posted:

Has she gone away with Al Dente?

No, I think it was Al's mate Mac Aroni. I also heard a rumour that she went off with two brothers - Rick an Toni.

Someone told me it was that lass Annia she went off with.

I too heard she started to fancy women and took a liking to that Lyn Guine.

This is fun!

Christopher_M posted:

Or 'Rigger' Tony?

Damn, you beat me to it Chris.

nigelb posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Or 'Rigger' Tony?

Damn, you beat me to it Chris.

For the love of God please no more....!!!!

Phil

Phil Harris posted:

nigelb posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Or 'Rigger' Tony?

Damn, you beat me to it Chris.

For the love of God please no more....!!!!

Phil

Spoil sport.

Phil Harris posted:

nigelb posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Or 'Rigger' Tony?

Damn, you beat me to it Chris.

For the love of God please no more....!!!!

Phil

At last, I now understand the purpose of the exploding sausage!