Best Jokes (continues)

Mike-B posted:

Not a joke but a real life spam I received a few minutes ago  

Test a Miele Hoover   ........    Hoover TESTERS WANTED!   ........   Test & Keep a Miele Blizzard Hoover

Apologies to non-UK forumites & I'd better explain that (some) brits call all vacuum cleaners a Hoover.    

The Hoover company is based in Ohio, so most Americans should be on board with the gist. Helps explain this reference from The Simpsons ....

The immediate response from me regarding the spam would be whether the sender was testing providers or benefactors. 

    Hi JoeRand,  its nice to see we are not so divided by a common language  

THE other day my wife and I were laughing about how competitive we are - but I laughed more.

Truly sad news, the guy who invented predictive text has pissed away and his funfair is next monkey.

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article  which appeared
in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at  disabling the
security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to
find one or two large safes filled with cash &  valuables, were  surprised
to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,  "At
least we'll have a bit to eat."

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.
They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline
read:












IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING !

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
 She was wearing a  loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps.  He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front
of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet
he  grunted  and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the  pretty lady in the pink
dress.
 
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
 He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering  her lips and wiggling her bottom.
She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making
noises  that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall
to show a  little more skin.
She did, and the gorilla was about  to tear the bars down.
 "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he
said.  This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing
flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the
cage,  flung  her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

 "Now, tell him, you have a headache."

A guy goes to a  supermarket  and a beautiful blonde waves at him and says hello.

He is rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from so he says do I know you?

 She replies I think you are the father of one of my kids!

 His eyes get big as he thinks back to the only time  he was ever unfaithful and he says.  My God  are you the stripper from my Bachelor party. The one I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while my partner whipped my ass  with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my arse?

She replies No  I am your son's Maths teacher.

Elephant to Camel : "Why do you have boobs on your back ?"
Camel to Elephant : "That's a f*****g good question coming from  someone
who  has a penis on his face."

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your
daughter to death with a spanner."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You ****ing
b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom,
and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at  this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall  charge
you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For  fifteen years
I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a
*****ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a French footballer. 

 Investigations have shown that it was most probably murder on Zidanes' floor.

steve (a vegetarian too!)

My doctor has been invited to a meeting about constipation.

He can't go.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Stephen Tate posted:

Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?
He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated.

Luckily there's still 3 months till cracker opening time...

Salmon Dave posted:

Stephen Tate posted:

Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?
He floated his stock while everyone else was being liquidated.

Luckily there's still 3 months till cracker opening time...

It's better than that!

Unfortunate arm extension for new UKIP leader...

James Bond comes up to a chicken.

The chicken asks ' Hey mate, what's your name"

of course the reply was " bond, James Bond"

Bond then asks " hey chicken, what's your name" 

 " Ken Chicken "

JamieWednesday posted:

Unfortunate arm extension for new UKIP leader...

It's about what I would expect...

steve

Transcript from disturbance at Jacob Reece-Mogg's meeting this morning.

A little Pythonesque methinks:

See Tom Petty has died.  That's a Heartbreaker

My wife has packed her bags and gone!

Just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

Has she gone away with Al Dente?