Best Jokes (continues)

nigelb posted:

Phil Harris posted:

nigelb posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Or 'Rigger' Tony?

Damn, you beat me to it Chris.

For the love of God please no more....!!!!

Phil

Spoil sport.

Like anyone actually takes any notice of me!!!

Phil

Of course she could have gone with either Big Olly or Tuff Olly.

Just found out the truth. She's gone off with her new Indian fancy man, Ravi Oli.

I'll get me coat.

If she ever comes back she's in for a rocchetti.

Saw her in the street the other day, she looked so rough I didn't recognise her. In fact I walked straight pasta.

I am a big fan of Tommy Cooper which might explain my taste in what I loosely describe as humour. 

One of my all time favourite shorts:

Phil Harris posted:

nigelb posted:

Christopher_M posted:

Or 'Rigger' Tony?

Damn, you beat me to it Chris.

For the love of God please no more....!!!!

Phil

Come on Phil a few silly (geddit?) jokes can't do any harm.

I warn you, I've got more!

JamieWednesday posted:

One of my all time favourite shorts:

 

The man was a genius. Of course he had no idea of this.

Australia  announced today it is building  A Space Station to launch its own Satellites into space using Fuel derived from its vast coal resources

steve

I went to a Royal National Lifeboat Institution dinner and dance charity event last night.    They definitely knew how to push the boat out.

MY FRIEND was recently crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.

One of my friends was once hit by a steam train, apparently he was chuffed to bits.

A lad in my class at school was run over by a steam roller one afternoon. When I asked the nurse at the hospital which ward he was in she replied " Wards 5, 6 and 7 "

DBS-Al posted:

One of my friends was once hit by a steam train, apparently he was chuffed to bits.

 

Now that's good. 

MDS posted:

DBS-Al posted:

One of my friends was once hit by a steam train, apparently he was chuffed to bits.

 

Now that's good. 

Still chuckling on recall of this one!

G

steve

In the wake of the Las Vegas shooting the National Rifle Association is now pointing blame squarely at alcohol pricing at the concert venue. Beers were $10, shots were free, and there was no cover.

Joe

I know they say comedy is tragedy plus time and on this occasion not enough time has elapsed.

Ray

Ray,

They also say tragedy needs comedy and I held onto that one for almost two weeks before posting. There's a point at which a joke becomes stale. I see it as a political shot with the NRA at the brunt. The late, great American comedian George Carlin said “It’s a comedian’s duty to find the line and deliberately cross over it.”

Let me know if it's too soon for this one ....

What do the World Trade Center towers and genders have in common? There used to be two of each and now if you joke about either you're bound to offend someone.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter... Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!!

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb ?

A Brazilian.

Where do animals go when their tails fall off ? 

A Retail Store.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dejav

Dejav who?

Knock knock