Best Jokes (continues)

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?

Because all property is theft.

"Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?

Because all property is theft."


Karl Marx, although initially favourable to Proudhon's work, later criticised, among other things, the expression "property is theft" as self-refuting and unnecessarily confusing, writing that "... 'theft' as a forcible violation of property presupposes the existence of property..." and condemning Proudhon for entangling himself in "all sorts of fantasies, obscure even to himself, about true bourgeois property."

Yours pedantically

Jon (erstwhile Marxist scholar)

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and says "It's illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the model" the Scotsmen replies in disbelief. "Look at the logbook this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you're therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

quote:

Originally posted by Lloydy:
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and says "It's illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the model" the Scotsmen replies in disbelief. "Look at the logbook this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you're therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

The new MG 'Zero' shouldn't get very far then....

From the iPhone Amazon app:



Used?? Yuk!

Tony

A dark-cloaked figure appeared before me and said, "I'm here to take your life". said, "Are you Death?". He said, "No, I can hear you perfectly".

Tony

At school one of the teachers said that I didn't pay enough attention.
But that was just his or her opinion.

quote:

Originally posted by nap-ster:
Irelands Xmas Number 1

Awesome

Did you hear about the skirt-chasing ex-Lib Dem MP who caught the flu and died after he overdosed on cold remedies?

I just read it the newspaper - it was a Lemsip Obit.

A man was in court for carrying out a lewd act in a public place. Whilst in the dock he was overcome by a coughing fit, and was asked by the judge if he would like to suck a fisherman's friend. No thank you, your honour, I think I'm in trouble already.

"Excuse me waiter. There are two ears in my soup."

"Eh?"

I apologise if my poor attempt at humour offended anyone, that certainly was not my intention. And, although I have seen far worse content on the 'Best Jokes' posts, may I ask the moderators to remove my post

Don't worry Roger. Some comments were directed at a joke that has now been removed. It's a rare thing for that to happen. It did cause offence to a number of members and on balance I felt it best to remove it.

Is it snowing outside, or did Kerry Katona just sneeze?

Tony


Apologies to parents of fat, useless, drug addicts. ;-)

A man is sat on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.

The baby wont take it so she says .....''Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man''.

10 minutes later the baby still wont breastfeed so she says again.....
''Come on darling, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man!'' To which the man replies...

''Listen love, could you make your fucking mind up, I shouldve got off 4 stops ago''.

Tony

quote:

Originally posted by roger poll:
I apologise if my poor attempt at humour offended anyone, that certainly was not my intention. And, although I have seen far worse content on the 'Best Jokes' posts, may I ask the moderators to remove my post

Roger, there was another joke posted after your's. Then people started to make comments about the other joke. Then this other joke was removed. But the moderator did not remove the comments related to the removed joke. So now anyone reading the thread thinks the comments are directed at your joke.

But let's get the record straight: your joke is not only funny but it is also very informative. For instance, many foreigners did not know that judges in the UK would make this kind of offer.

For completeness - and also in case someone is interested - please could you to post the contact information of the fisherman's friend?

But maybe you prefer that people contact you directly?

Top Tips: Tell your friends not to buy you any Frankie Boyle DVD's for Christmas presents.

quote:

Originally posted by nap-ster:
Top Tips: Tell your friends not to buy you any Frankie Boyle DVD's for Christmas presents.

???????

steve (baffled)

Ok, anything to ensure a listen to the DBLs:

Just changed my facebook profile name to "NO-ONE". That way, when I like people status' it says NO-ONE likes your status.

Tony

I've just renamed my Wifi Network "Kids there's no such thing as Santa."
That should make for some interesting conversation on Christmas day around the dinner table as 9 year old Savannah connects to the internet to update her Wii/DS.

A man and a woman who hadn't met before find themselves sharing a sleeping carriage of a train.
After a little bit of embarrassment they go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk.
In the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I’m sorry, but I’m awfully cold and I was hoping you could get me another blanket.”
The man leans out and with a smile says, “I’ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
The woman thinks for a while. “Why not,” she giggles.
“Great,” he replies, “Get your own bloody blanket!"

Tesco. Consider putting the Samaritans phone number on your Christmas meals for one.

Asda has just rung me, someone is drunk, smoking a joint,
wearing a thong and riding a plastic reindeer around their store.

I'll come and get you but this has to stop.

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors then went unto the Vice-Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor
of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President Looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.