Best Jokes (continues)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

‎"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Paddy and Mick are talking. Mick says to Paddy,do you know Christmas is on a Friday this year ?is it says Paddy......lets hope its not on the13th.

Just bought the wife an artificial leg for Christmas,its not her main present,its just a stocking filler.

Epileptic Santa.

"He seizures when you're sleeping."

The wife rang me at the pub, "Darling, I've got a chilled bottle of Chardonay, the kids are at your mothers, I'm in front of the log fire with my new Ann Summers outfit, with strawberries and cream all over my fanny and what are you going to do about it?" ..

"What sort of wine was it again?"


Why are women like a KFC?

After you've finished with the thighs and breasts all you have is a greasy box to put your bone in.



How do Eskimos stop their teeth from freezing.....they grit them.


Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo.

After a belting set he asks the audience if they have any requests.

Wee Japanese fella at the front shouts up "Play a jazz chord"

So Stevie sets about playing an amazing Harlem Jazz Blues Set for 15 minutes.

The wee fella shouts up again...."No, No play a Jazz Chord"

So Stevie says "Look if you think you can do any better then come up here and do it"

So the japanese fella gets up on stage, sits at the piano, pulls the microphone to him and sings......

"a jazz chord to say a ruv you, a jazz chord to say ow mwuch i kware ".


A muslim was sat next to Paddy on a plane,Paddy ordered a whisky and the stewardess asked the muslim if he'd like a drink too, which he replied in disgust "I'd rarther be raped by a dozen whores than let alcohol pass my lips ",Paddy handed his drink back and said "me too,I didn't know we had a choice ! "

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Shit! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"



John Higgins has said that it's great to be back playing snooker again at the UK Championship.

Although he is a bit disappointed that he's going to lose 9-5 in the quarter finals.


A man applies for a job with the Police. Inspector says "these are the best qualifications i have ever seen, just one test before i offer you the job.Take this gun and go and shoot 6 Muslims and 6 Pakistanis, and a rabbit"

The bloke replies"why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, see you on Monday"


Linford Christie goes to a golf club and the man at reception says, "Sorry sir, we dont let black people play here. There's another club 10 minutes down the road that might help." "But I'm Linford Christie!" he says. "Alright then, clever bastard 3 minutes down the road, now F*** off!"

These are just great, that's what I meant!

Regards,
Michel

I see the Campaign for Proper English are ranting on again. So what if I can't spell armegedon?! It's not the end of the world!

I had a racing snail that never won a race, so I removed his shell to make him more aerodynamic.It just made him more sluggish.

Tony

During a survey of the sexual activities of the elderly, one old chap of 84 is asked what his sex life is like. Well, he says I have sex nearly every day. Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday, nearly on Thursday.........

Coronation Streets favourite football team...........Tram near rovers.

Where's me coat?

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre ," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"A leetle, at ze beginning."

That's the last time I bring my wife to a party. Two glasses, and she made a spectacle of herself.

Tony

The JD Sports store in Liverpool is the only one in the country that has an 'Evening Wear' section.

I used to think that the whole world was against me. But I’ve found that a few smaller countries are neutral.

Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?

Because all property is theft.

"Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?

Because all property is theft."


Karl Marx, although initially favourable to Proudhon's work, later criticised, among other things, the expression "property is theft" as self-refuting and unnecessarily confusing, writing that "... 'theft' as a forcible violation of property presupposes the existence of property..." and condemning Proudhon for entangling himself in "all sorts of fantasies, obscure even to himself, about true bourgeois property."

Yours pedantically

Jon (erstwhile Marxist scholar)

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and says "It's illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the model" the Scotsmen replies in disbelief. "Look at the logbook this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you're therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

quote:

Originally posted by Lloydy:
Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and says "It's illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the model" the Scotsmen replies in disbelief. "Look at the logbook this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you're therefore breaking the law."
The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

The new MG 'Zero' shouldn't get very far then....

From the iPhone Amazon app:



Used?? Yuk!

Tony

A dark-cloaked figure appeared before me and said, "I'm here to take your life". said, "Are you Death?". He said, "No, I can hear you perfectly".

Tony

At school one of the teachers said that I didn't pay enough attention.
But that was just his or her opinion.

quote:

Originally posted by nap-ster:
Irelands Xmas Number 1

Awesome

Did you hear about the skirt-chasing ex-Lib Dem MP who caught the flu and died after he overdosed on cold remedies?

I just read it the newspaper - it was a Lemsip Obit.

A man was in court for carrying out a lewd act in a public place. Whilst in the dock he was overcome by a coughing fit, and was asked by the judge if he would like to suck a fisherman's friend. No thank you, your honour, I think I'm in trouble already.

"Excuse me waiter. There are two ears in my soup."

"Eh?"

I apologise if my poor attempt at humour offended anyone, that certainly was not my intention. And, although I have seen far worse content on the 'Best Jokes' posts, may I ask the moderators to remove my post

Don't worry Roger. Some comments were directed at a joke that has now been removed. It's a rare thing for that to happen. It did cause offence to a number of members and on balance I felt it best to remove it.

Is it snowing outside, or did Kerry Katona just sneeze?

Tony


Apologies to parents of fat, useless, drug addicts. ;-)